Recognize I'm A Fool And You Love Me

Bin Laden

2011-05-04T20:53:00.000-07:00

This is what I have to say about the death of Bin Laden:

September 13th, 2001, my dad and i started on a trip to NYC. the trip was planned well before 9/11 and the plan was to visit our family friend in DC and then go visit my brother in NYC. we had no way of knowing what was in store. as we traveled across the country we saw a multitude of American flags being hung on overpasses and message of love and loss, frustration and mourning. Our friend lived in Alexandria and we passed by the Pentagon to get to her. i saw the collapsed side of the building, reduced to smoldering rubble. i took pictures. my dad, at the time, admonished me for it, until we got to NYC. i think he thought it was macabre and disrespectful to the gravity of the situation. i saw it as first hand account of history and a major event that needed documentation. part of it was macabre, but most of it was historical documentation.

he understood and followed suit when we got to NYC. few things make me instantly scared and sad as remembering crossing the George Washington bridge with the New Jersey Fire Dept. trucks and looking at lower Manhattan on fire. when we got to Times Square the full impact of the devastation was not in the amount of smoke, which was plenty, or in the places we couldn't go or the looks on people's faces. what struck both my dad and me the most were the posters of missing people that Kinkos, or some local xerox company, had done for free for the people looking for their loved ones. walls covered in faces with phone numbers on the bottom pleading for any information, any shred of hope, that their loved ones were still alive. as we walked along the streets and saw these posters plastered on bus stops and empty walls, we began to realize the extent.

it's one thing to talk about the Twin Towers falling, but to remember that it was filled with people is another. people jumping from the 40th floor on live TV. people's whose faces now plastered all over New York City. seeing that, and knowing that everyone you saw there was dead causes me not to shed a tear for Bin Laden.

i live in a very liberal, insulated area and have heard many people say, "i know, but it's still the loss of a life, and that's sad." i suppose that's fair. however, that life lived 10 more years, taunted the world for 10 more years than his victims and, when killed, was given a respectful burial complete with traditional Muslim preparation of the body. that's more than he gave his victims. i think it was noble of us to have done that. i think that is was politically savvy to have done that. i think it was humane to have done that. i think it exemplified the best in us to have done that. we didn't have to, but we knew we had to. if for no other reason, to prove to ourselves and the world that, although this person had orchestrated horrible tragedies upon us and our collective psyche, we will not stoop to his level and will treat him with the respect one person should show another.

a friend of mine, who's a genuinely good dude, keeps posting about his disgust with the American nationalism going on. he scoffs at people chanting "U.S.A.," he judges and admonishes at will. i think that's a position of privilege and lacks perspective. to scream about how much you hate America, as an American, is repulsive. the very fact that you CAN rail against your government and not find yourself in an unmarked grave is a testament to the greatness of our country. his ability to criticize is the very first right we have...as Americans. i'm not saying you agree with everything or are not critical of our government, it has done some profoundly fucked up things. however, it's not all bad and there should be some acknowledgment of that.

however, i digress. this friend of mine belittling people and even going so far as to call it "disgusting" when people who are celebrating being American is incredibly insensitive and, like i said before, lacks perspective. the college kids chanting were mostly 9 yrs old when it happened and have lived the greater part of their sentient life with a nervous, high alert, country. i can easily remember sitting with my mom before her flight left for Hajj. or being met the gate by my brother. these kids have never known that. all they've known is how unsafe we are and if they want to celebrate the death of public enemy #1, let them.

until 9/11, we, as a nation, never really experienced fear. there was Pearl Harbor, but that was in Hawaii, not on the continental United States, so it was still distant. we've always had an aura of invincibility. that was completely gone Sept. 11, 2001. so, if people want to celebrate a normal, cathartic, cry of relief at the death of Bin Laden, give them that. if people want to feel proud to be apart of a country that brought him down, give them that. if people want to express solidarity and happiness as a country, give them that.

on a personal level: until you have to frantically figure out the geography of NYC so you can sort out the distance of your brother to complete destruction while having every attempt to call him met with a busy signal, shut the fuck up. until you ride in with firemen to a burning NYC who may not make it home that night, shut the fuck up. when you stare the faces of thousands of posters, with phone numbers that will never be contacted with good news and fully comprehend the scope of this horror, shut the fuck up.

if ever there was a time to not judge, to not admonish, and to let people heal however they seem fit, it's now.

passwords and tepid water

2011-05-01T05:43:00.000-07:00

it took me two days to get into this silly account. i had to reset my password to the password it already was. anyway, it's over. the crap thing is that i have a shoddy memory and had some pretty hilarious gems to post and, of course, i can't remember. that would lead most people, including myself, to think that maybe they weren't that important...and that's fair. however, i ask, how important are most things on blogs? exactly, so it was valid.

i slept most of the day away yesterday. i became a narcoleptic chocoholic. it was embarrassing. my sole attempt at doing anything significantly productive was to clean out the refrigerator. i started the process, tossed a bag of moldy lettuce, went into the bedroom and the next thing i know it's 2 hours later. i fell fast sleep with the refrigerator door wide open. not ajar, but open like a teenager in search of a midday snack. it's was bizarre.

my friend came over and we worked out again to the Badger...who still doesn't give a shit...and got sweaty and gross and glorious all at the same time. i'm a marvel of science and nature. anyway, just before this i noticed the water wasn't getting hot in the bathroom, but who spends 5 min. washing their hands? i figured i hadn't waited long enough for the heat to really kick in. no big...but it bothered me. i kept checking back and soon realized that there was no hot water in the house. my only day off this week that i'd successfully napped away, do you think i took a shower at any point after yesterday morning? if you said yes, because i'm a lady, you'd be correct about the lady part.

now i'm stuck. i've just worked out and have a day and half day's worth of grime on me, on top of sweaty boobs and a increasingly gross feeling on my neck. i *really* wanted a shower, but it was 11pm and have i mentioned my laziness? so i went to bed. yes, those sheets will be washed tomorrow.

i woke up early this morning because i knew i had one of two choices. i could either go to the gym i haven't been to in 6 months and shower there or i could take it back to Ukraine, circa 1998, boil lots of water and hope for the best. i reject the gym so magnificently comprehensively that instead of driving 10 minutes to shower in relative comfort, i opted for a tepid bath. so, 6 pots -of various sizes-- of water later i had my bath. i stored the boiling water in my slow cooker to stay warm. it was not pleasant, but not horrible. i did start out lathering like a chronic OCD patient, but then accepted the fact that between the bubbles and the gleaming white bubbles on my skin, i was clean. midway through i had to refill the slow cooker and running through the house dripping and sudsy was not a favorite moment in my young life. after the wash, complete with wetting my hair so i was submerged in this nonsense, i put the slow cooker filled with hot water into the draining tub, added cold water, and created a mini shower with my loofah sponge. that was nice.

oh the things we take for granted. so, i'm clean now and should be getting a new hot water heater later on today. hopefully i won't have to do this again tomorrow, because i have to work at 9 and have zero interest getting up at 6:30am to do this all over again.

however, i repeat, i'm clean...so it's not all bad.

2 steps forward, 3 steps back with a sundae!

2011-04-17T18:08:00.000-07:00

Jillian Michaels had her way with me today.

Not in a sexy, lesbian way, but in a choking-on-my-heart way. My friend and i took 2 days off this week. Thurs was because she was busy and Fri was because we were lazy. Instead of working out, we opted for chatting while watching Independence Day in our workout clothes, which promptly got abandoned for a Friendly's sundae run. This morning we were 0.2% excited to shred, but shred we did. I sweated and hurt, with equal intensity, like i'd never done this DVD before. it was horrible. i almost want to do it now just to prove to myself that i'm better than that, but i'm, fundamentally, a lazy person and the idea of cramming my boobs back into that sports bra is fantastically unappealing. so, i'll just rest on my laurels of three days ago, when i rocked the fucking house.

Monday i felt a pain in my chest. it was above my left breast and really achy. i rubbed it wondering if i was having a mild heart attack. then, i remembered my heart is significantly lower, heart attacks generally start in the arms, i am 33, not morbidly obese, and there was a greater chance that it was merely the first time my pectoral muscles have ever been asked to do anything more than go anatomically unnoticed under my fleshy, ample bosoms.

damn you Jillian and all of your planks!

for all of you worried about my health, the ache never returned.

for all you men, the ample bosoms remain.

Jillian and the light switch

2011-04-16T06:56:00.001-07:00

i've been doing Jillian Micheal's "30 Day Shred" DVD with a friend for about 1.5 months. i dread every second of it, even thought it's getting easier. she does a shit ton of planks and you wanna know what the last thing a chubby girl wants to do? hold up all of her mass on her feeble, grossly under-worked arms. even still, i do it. we shred. it's actually pretty awesome. the best thing that's come out of it, aside from the realization this morning that the only place i've lost weight is in my knees...the least fleshy part of my body, which is not a great accomplishment, just funny because it's so random. no, the best thing out of this experience is the ability to slowly turn off the wall switch with my foot, while fully loaded down with dishes.

two things are significant about this:

1) i'm insanely clumsy as if evident by the number of single dishes that were once sets in my cabinets and the stains on my clothes. i once spilled coffee on myself a work so comprehensively that i had to go down to Old Navy and buy a whole new outfit.

2) it also means my core is getting stronger and making me steadier which will, in the long run, make weight loss easier because i can move my flabby body better.

hey, Rome wasn't built in a day.

new me...well, new blog direction, anyway...

2011-04-15T17:23:00.001-07:00

i haven't written anything in a long time and, honestly, it's because i'm busy and have become incredibly private/paranoid about what i put out in the ether. so, i don't really have any interest in talking about me and my personal life so much as random experiences.

i attribute this shift to two things:1 ) my boyfriend who is, actually, incredibly private and sorta paranoid. mostly because he's technologically retarded and doesn't understand privacy settings, but, in all fairness, has a point. plus, i respect his right to not blab about our relationship to anyone with ears...or eyes, for that matter, and 2) the fallout with my best friend over said boyfriend. the details are not important, but the virtue of keeping things to oneself has become incredibly relevant and vital to my own sanity. the state of our friendship has revived the super secretive side of me that i haven't employed for years and was once only used to avoid scandal. my actions this time were not scandalous and the situation was not really about him and would've happened for one reason or another, but the aftermath of it all was a general clamming up on my part. better safe than scarred, i say.

they say that girls look for their dad's --for better or for worse-- in men and i have, clearly, latched on to the paranoid, hilarious, and crazy part of my dad. constantly prefacing quirky stories with, "my beautiful, crazy man," he is incredibly sensitive about his private life and pretty sure the FBI is tracking him...just like dad. dad not so much the FBI, but "Big Brother" in the abstract. both have fair points, because technology is this quasi-amorphic bit of magic that we don't have much control over, unless you play World of Warcraft or went to MIT.

this being supported by the fact that mere moments ago a voice projected out of my computer speakers, briefly and loudly, in a foreign language. now, where i live i'm no stranger to non-English speakers, but i am a bit disconcerted by the ability to hear this guy through a speaker that is only connected to my computer. it felt very "Frequency" to me. i have no interest in speaking to the dead, even if they're related.

all of this prefacing was leading up to something and now i can't remember what it is. i don't want to "Draft" this because it'll just join the ranks of 17 other drafts i've composed in the last year. so, i'll end, but not before i say two things: 1) look for more anecdotal nonsense to come your way, because i have been ripe with silliness my whole life and i've been letting that freak flag fly lately and 2) i actively had to stop myself from posting a pithy, yet hilarious, comment on a friend's Facebook status forced to recognize that, while i have great affection for him, he has grown way too humorless for the likes of a frivolous me. he also went from being a prosecuting attorney in TX to a preacher so...no surprise, i suppose.

the comment was pretty funny, though.

MA election: the Democratic problem

2010-01-20T02:25:00.000-08:00

living in MA, i welcomed the considerably more liberal --borderline pansy-- atmosphere as opposed to the oppressive retardation of MO. however, we are embarking on a new MA, i think. Sen. Ted Kennedy died in August and they just ran an election to fill his seat...and a republican won it. they whole world is in an upset. how is it that one of the most liberal states and a once safe Dem state elect a republican?

now, i was listening to NPR one morning when a political analyst explained that the reason the race was so close was because Brown (R) was running an incredibly smart campaign and Coakley (D) simply was not a good candidate. i, to be honest, don't know either of their platforms... i mean, can pretty much guess, but i have no idea how accurate that assessment is. apparently it was pretty spot on since Brown won and is the successor to Ted "the Lion of the Senate" Kennedy's wildly liberal seat. seriously, how does that happen?

i was thinking about the health care situation and how we got here and i blame the High Road. i completely respect Obama's diplomacy and that was one of the biggest reasons i voted for him. i loved the idea of the return to political discourse and thinking before reacting. it was such a welcome departure from the bullheaded, staunch, stubborn will of W...or, rather, Rove and Cheney. i think his calm, rational disposition is an asset that has yet to come to fruition and repair our country's psyche and international relations.

i am a fan of thinking and compromise. however, i am also a fan of decisive action on important issues. i understood, in the beginning, when Obama tried to compromise with Republicans and reach across the isle to bridge the partisan gap. it was important to reestablish the spirit of cooperation and to make good on a promise to try to unify. mostly, i think it's important to do initially, because if they do not respond in kind, it leaves you free to make unilateral decisions and not be accused of being a tyrant, because you tried. however, once it became clear that Repubs were playing grade school, temperamental, obstructionist games, compromise should've been a wrap. the definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different result. if you constantly try to compromise with a body of people who routinely reject your efforts, continuing to do so makes you look insane, at best, and moronic, at worst.

the reason Bush had so much support...even until the bitter end...was because he was decisive and focused. now, it was not on the right things, but that's because we assumed our president to work in our national interest. that was not the case with Bush. he wasn't working for us. he pandered to us and tried, with his infuriating "good ol boy" shtick, to make us believe he was one of us and, therefore, could be trusted, but that simply wasn't true. none of it, actually. he's from CT and not a TX cowboy, but more importantly he was not one of us. well, he sure as shit wasn't me with his tenuous grasp of the English language. he is a son of incredible privilege and, consequently, had no idea what it means to be one of us. he was selling a story and we listened, hands propping up our eager chins, with our foolish legs swaying in the air.

Bush was not our servant; he had a different master. he had oil, insurance, and drug company friends to please. he had old vendettas to settle. he had Saudi Arabian friends to maintain. how else do you, logically, reason that, though 15 of the 19 hijackers were Saudis, that Iraq is where you should fight? it, actually doesn't make any sense. and WMD wasn't even the point. a shit ton of countries have WMD. Iraq would, or would not as it turned out, have still be aiming for WMD after we caught Bin Laden and neutralized Al Queda. but we, as a people, bought it because he sold it. he seemed sure, sold it as an imminent threat, and went after it. he took deliberate action on a issue vital to our freedom. of course, we all know it was complete bullshit now...and many of us knew it then... but the bulk of the people bought it. that also endeared him to a lot of very scared people. even if he was wrong, he was willing to go balls to the wall to try to protect us.

this brings me to the problem with the Dems. the natural and strategically beneficial response to a blindly stubborn, unpopular president is to be the exact opposite; be reasonable and refreshing. that was Obama and it worked. the Dems were energized, the GOP was floundering, and it seemed like the dawn of the Age of Reason after the Dark Ages of Bush. however, in their efforts to distinguish and distance themselves from everything Bush, Dems somehow missed the biggest lesson: decisive action yield respect. once Obama tried to reach out to Repubs the first 5 times, the Dems should've --with their complete control of the congress and the presidency-- pushed through their original health care legislation. what they allowed to happen was a negotiation process that allowed Repubs to muddy up just enough of it to make enough Dems sour on it that it was at risk. they allowed themselves to be in a position where so much time was spent negotiating that it gave the GOP time to regroup and work their fear mongering magic. they put themselves in a position where they could be controlled by the likes of Joe Lieberman.

they should've decided that health care was too important to monkey around with and was vital to our nation and pushed it through. they would've been accused to being like Bush. the GOP would've railed that they were no better than the last administration and they may have been right, but they would've yelled anyway. if you're gonna be the bad guy, be it on something that ultimately helps the people.

i recognize that is not the way to run a democracy or a presidency and is not conducive to bipartisanship, but it is better to ask forgiveness than permission. especially since universal health care is such a good idea. Dems aren't trying to pass, oh i don't know, illegal wiretapping and surveillance programs. they are trying to give everybody health coverage. they're trying to stop medical bills from being the #1 reason for personal bankruptcy.

i know that being a Democrat inherently means you are compassionate, mindful, and a firm believer of the High Road. the High Road is all well and good, but it's lonely and you'll go bankrupt if you break your leg from such heights.

fun anyone?

2008-09-09T06:19:00.001-07:00

when i was a kid, my siblings and i would fight over the toy in the cereal box. now, kids must draw straws to see who gets saddled with this bullshit.

i woke up this morning and opened up my new box of cereal. i hadn't looked on the box, so i had no idea what was going to be in there. i opened it up and sitting on top of the sealed cereal pouch was a step counter. oh, you read that right: a step counter.

two things i have to concede:

1: i'm 30 years old and therefore am no longer of the age where keys are entertaining. i haven't lost all of my girlish zeal and unbridled imagination, however toys...at this point...have to try a little harder to be fun to me.

2: the cereal was Frosted Shredded Wheat, so it could be argued that it's a relatively healthy cereal, so the toys inside should be health related. that's fair to a point, but complete bullshit. first of all, the toys in the boxes are not for the adults, they're for the kids. kids, generally, don't have much say in the cereal their parents buy, and if the parent has bought the kid shredded wheat you *know* they had no say. few children will choose shredded wheat over lucky charms. anyway, so if the kid has to eat this cereal, the least the company could do is put a decoder ring or something in there. they somehow managed to make a sucky breakfast even worse.

a step counter.

boooo.

it's been a long time...

2008-08-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

...i shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to.

my bad.

so, my myspace page has WAY too many people of consequence on it and i think it's time i return to the wonderful anonymity of blogspot. i've got lots to say and want no one of interest to read about it. i like my privacy...which is why i post on the internet. ah, inconsistencies...one of the many features i offer.

you know what freaks me out besides the personification of food and the Burger King dude? little animated people in my computer dancing for house mortgages. what exactly does one have to do with the other? maybe they're dancing for joy. i don't know, but it's really creepy because they move a little too smoothly for my taste and it looks less like a binary code to a beat and more like a mini-chick doing the butterfly to get my attention. i don't like gnomes. well, i've never met a gnome, but i know plenty of short fucking people and they tend to have a chip on their wee little shoulders and could easily bite my knees from that height. i live in the woods where there's lots of inbreeding. i'm not even that tall, so imagine how short they are to freak me out!

the thing is that i've watched too many scary movies, have too active of an imagination, and, well, quite frankly, don't take meds and have lots of weird thoughts. so, it makes me a bit uneasy having little people in my computer who could, should i never click on their banner and therefore be on the receiving end of their ire, eat my emails or fuck with my connection. hey, you don't know! neither do i and that's the problem. i don't like them being so lifelike. it's bad enough that when you click on some websites, all of a sudden a voice comes out of the speakers i forgot were on to tell me that i've been selected to receive a free nano ipod or somethings. it tends to startle me and i can never figure out how to turn it off.

all of this shit makes me too comfortable with dead wrong things. my computer shouldn't talk to me and certainly not without my permission. couple that with a freakishly lifelike woman seemingly innocuously dancing to lower mortgage rates and you have a very bad combination for world domination. you think i'm nuts? well, few who know me would put up much of a fight, but that's neither here nor there. who's to say that one day some sadistic fuck hacks into these websites and has these dancing women start talking to you telling you to do shit that's not quite right. it could happen. we've already grown accustomed to people in our computers and our computer spontaneously talking to us. all you need is some choice words and a weak mind at 3am and you've got trouble.

i can see it now: some pale, pasty kid in a musty room reeking of Doritos and B.O. hopelessly doomed to be girlfriendless until he turns off the Warcraft, opens up a window and bathes sitting at his computer listening to Eliot Smith, when this dancing seductress comes across his screen and sounds like a porn ad.

"Hey there, mister? Wanna keep me company?" she says swaying her cyber-hips. "I'm so lonely, but not i'm not the least bit tired. I wonder what we could do together all...night...long." Slowly she bends over and drops it like it's hot to the floor. At first he doesn't think she's talking to him. Academically he knows it's not true, but he's 16 and horny and aware that it'll easily be 3 years from now before some drunk chick in college pity fucks him for doing her homework, so he's all ears.

please, two months later he's on CNN.

all i'm saying is that it ain't right.

2008-03-17T20:53:00.000-07:00

me: you're all crafty and shit, do you know anyone who knows how to macramé?

siri: isn't that just macaroni and cheese?

The Grammys

2008-02-11T12:16:00.000-08:00

Cuz and i just got done watching the Grammys and it was a veritable snooze fest. it felt like we only saw 5 awards given out and a lot of old people on stage...most of them unrecognizable. it was a parade of musical has beens. some were oldies, but goodies and others were just old. we figured that the gift bags this year were filled with Dentucreme, Geritol, Metamucil, Aspercreme, and Bengay.

before this goes any futher, let's discuss John Fogerty. why is he on a stage? has he put out an album this year?...and by year, i mean decade? don't get me wrong, i *love* me some CCR, but what in the hell was his old ass doing on stage? my favorite moment was the section of the show i liked to call, "The Old Farts Convention." on stage was Jerry Lewis, Little Richard and John Fogerty. it was like watching the Grammys from 1973. although, my favorite quote of the night was when the camera faded into the guy at the piano, Cuz yells out, "Who ate Jerry Lewis?" what made it so bad was that he was almost completely unrecognizable. granted, he was still sounding good rockin' a litte "Great Balls of Fire" on the piano, but lawd 'a mercy!

i can appreciate giving props to originators and old school heads, but they could've tried to intermix them with, oh, i don't know, current artists. then again, the outfits the youngins were rocking were ridiculous and skeet so i can see not wanting to give them a lot of airtime. Cuz summed them up in this rant:

"Kanye was in some sort of Lite Brite outfit lookin' like a glow worm. Akon looked like the Death Avenger. They had the queen [Aretha Franklin] looking like a lemon meringue pie and Alicia Keyes was wearing some black painted on pants in shoes she couldn't walk in. i mean, what is going on!?!"

the night wasn't a total wash. it had its moments...granted, most of the moments were generated by us at their expense, but it makes them no less fun.

my two favorite moments of the show...aside from my boyfriend, Jason Bateman, being there...was Kanye's acceptance speech when they started playing the music on him. he was like, "oh, ya'll not really gonna play the music over me are you?" they did. then he started to dedicate the award to his recently passed mother and thank people for their prayers and support, with the music still playing, he said, "it would be in good taste to stop the music then." they did. nicely done.

my next favorite moment was watching Quincy Jones' tubby ass doing the wide leg squat to pick up the paper that Herbie Hancock dropped during his win for Album of the Year...which we're really not even going to discuss. Q looked like he almost split his pants doing that.

however, all of these things aside, my absolute favorite moment of the night came not from the TV, but from the other end of the telephone line. Will.I.Am was doing that wiggy-wack ass rap about something...all i know is that he rhymed "grammy" with "grammy" about 4 times...Cuz bemoans this performance and they show, by extension, and said, "Will.I.Am, Sam I am, bored I am, night-night I am." true. true. she said she felt like a teenager who was made to go on a family vacation whose iPod had run out of juice and whose cell phone had no reception, bored looking out the window at the Grand Canyon. she was on a roll tonight and was spot on. i suppose, in light of that, i will let her sum the night up:

boo to you grammy. boo to costumes. boo to booking. night...night.

stages of woman

2008-01-19T11:28:00.000-08:00

i have a very cool group of friends where i live: Erin, Sarah, and Sara...i have a lot of Sarah's in my life. anyway, i was thinking last night that we represent the three stages of woman.

Sara is married with two kids and is very "mom." home to cook her family dinner by 7 and in bed by 8 sort of thing.

Erin is married and pregnant...and still rocking heels. love that woman.

Sarah is married and is working out a baby plan for, maybe, next year.

I...well, i could sort of represent two stages. i could either be child-free and single or i could be the widow, either way. since it's been 7 years since Shawn died, i suppose i'm mostly just child-free and single.

it's cool because we all have very different lifestyles, but totally come together for food, drinks, and laughter. i love it. plus, for me, it's nice to have a few people guiding me through the unknown. when you have a few supportive friends married and/or with kid --not Cathy-- you know you have company any step you take.

they're sorta fabulous women.

snow

2008-01-19T11:20:00.000-08:00

i promise i'm not as dorky as this is going to sound, but...

i love being out in the snow, especially when it's falling on my face. i'm like a child. i like to eat it out of the sky and like the way it feels on my eyelashes my favorite part is looking up at the night sky to the thousand of white flakes coming at me and imagining i'm flying at warp speed through space.

strangeness.

2008-01-14T01:39:00.000-08:00

i have a lot of hair. it's long. it's thick. it's everywhere. i have naturally curly hair, so by day three of neglecting it it's become this poofy, awesomely wild mess. i love it! except for when it scares me. i once jumped because i thought someone was standing too close to me until i realized that it was just my own hair in my peripheral vision. the problem is that things tend to get lost in it...especially around day 4 of not combing it. the curls start to lock and accidentally turn into secure holding areas for writing utensils. the pens are so solidly nestled, that they don't fall out when i turn my head or anything. so, it's not uncommon for me to be in the shower, combing out my hair, and have pens or hair ties or something fall out. when you have that much hair, you can't feel anything. hell, even my fingers have to fight to actually touch scalp.

what happened tonight was embarrassing mostly because my hair is straight. i blew it dry the other day and have combed and cared for it since. so, there's really no way for things to get stuck and, if they do, for me not to feel it. anyway, i'm on the phone with my dad tonight and i'm playing with my hair as we talk. i'm stroking the top of my head and feel a lump. i immediately revisit the spot and locate the protruding object. i pull it out and couldn't help but laugh. i found a fucking earring in my hair. i don't know how it got there. it was this little jeweled cross stud that i was wearing earlier. the thing is that i took it out of my ear. i simply have no idea how it made it's way from my ear, to the table, to the top of my head.

it's a mystery.

i'm waiting for the day i find a golden ticket or a midget in there.

reasons

2008-01-12T23:46:00.000-08:00

aside from him being the male doppleganger of my best friend, there are other reasons why we should be together.

the him-being-Andrea except a man is important because she's crazy. partially in the "zany" way, but mostly in the medicated way. so, he can rest assured that he can do his worst and i'm not going anywhere. there's little sarcasm, anger, pessimism, depression, silliness, or general strangeness he can bring that i haven't either been through alone or via Andrea. anytime i can tell whether or not you've taken your meds over the phone, it's safe to say that there's not a lot that scares me. i'm reasonably certain that there's no other woman in the world who could care for and love him better than i could.

while that's a rather sound argument, there's more. i realized tonight that i've only been keenly interested in him for about 4-5 months and, considering, i've made quite a bit of progress, i think. i know he hasn't had a girlfriend --and probably sex-- for a few years and i exude sexuality. i'm not bragging, it's just a fact. i'm a sexual creature and have a flirty way about me. i can see how, for a man who's been arms length from a woman for that long, that could be intimidating. not to mention the girls. they're ample and speak for themselves... in a very loud voice.

it's also clear that whatever happened with his last girlfriend did a number on him. it takes a particular kind of heartache to turn a man into a Wookie. he's sort of Spider Jerusalem without the mountain hut (see above picture); that kind of hurt that causes you to retreat into a curtain of hair and abandon almost all grooming techniques. now, he's not nasty or anything...actually, i think he's quite beautiful... but he has created an actual shell around himself-- a furry buffer zone between him and the world. i respect it.

i see it as a physical manifestation of heart wrench.

all of that being said, i can understand why this is slow going and i'm fine with that. i'm certain he's worth it in the end...provided, of course, i get him in the end. which brings me back to my original thought. aside from him being the male version of Andrea, we're destined to be together because the story of us so far is just far too interesting and bizarre to be left to the archives of our separate lives. without even a proper relationship, we've accumulated a staggering and hilarious compilation of grandchildren worthy stories. things just too weird to be an accident. between his inner black man, tripping over boxes, and bacon, how could i want anything other than that? whose story is that compelling? could you put down a book that began with those three things? i couldn't.

i doubt i'll ever meet anyone as wonderfully strange as him who can peak my interest without trying; relaying thoughts in a voice i could listen to forever. he fascinates me in a way that'll take the rest of my natural life to understand and i'm comfortable with that...as long as he's with me.

spinach

2007-12-08T21:00:00.000-08:00

now, what i'm about to tell you is going to fall directly in the category of TMI. i know that. it's nasty and no one wants to know this much about another person unless the person is either an infant or invalid. however, it's so funny and ridiculous that i had to share.

raise your hand if you knew that spinach was a natural laxative. i didn't.

about two weeks ago i came home from Thanxgiving to an empty fridge. which is fair, since i was gone for a week. i went grocery shopping and realized that i hadn't been eating a balanced diet. i had a sever lack of vegetables in my life. so, i tried to remedy that. the two vegetables i love the most are broccoli and spinach. i'd had a good amount of broccoli before, so i figured it was time to give spinach a chance. i bought lots of it with the intention of making a lot of food in one night to last the week.

i got home and proceeded to make a spinach quiche for breakfast and spinach and sausage stuffed shells. everything was going well for the first few days, but then my stomach was getting jacked up and i started to think that i'd made something wrong. that, clearly, didn't stop me. i was like fucking Popeye jacking up that spinach. recently, in an effort to continue my culinary expansion, i've been making Indian food. i bought lamb and wanted to try my hand at Saag.

what is Saag, you ask? a spinach sauce.

i had some tonight and was on the phone with Andrea. i was telling her how much spinach i'd been eating. she said, "girl, you know spinach is a natural laxative, don't you?" i laughed and told her i didn't, though it explained my recent bathroom activities. she just busted out laughing. she laughed even harder when i recounted all the dishes (every major one) i'd made consisting primarily of spinach. she kept cracking up saying, " i can't believe you didn't know that."

i sure as fuck know it now.

i don't know what i'm going to do. i don't think there is anything i can do, but wait it out and stay hydrated. at the rate i'm going, it won't be long, now. although, i'm seriously thinking about getting one of those padded toilet seats. while i'm thinking about that, i'm going to be packing up the food and taking it into work.

my body is not my friend right now. and here i thought i was being responsible and eating my leafy greens. i think i'm going to have to pick up some Pedialite or something to replenish my electrolytes. i'm going to end up dying of dehydration.

death by spinach. that's a dork's death if i ever heard of one.

why?

2007-12-06T11:37:00.001-08:00

seriously, what the fuck is this? if you're going to appropriate a culture, don't: a) do it poorly and b) choose the most chickenheaded aspect of it. consult. for chrissake consult.

bad form

2007-11-06T12:32:00.000-08:00

my brother, Atief, is my grounding force. without him, i'd be floating aimlessly in space losing my goddamn mind, humming David Bowie, sucking on the stems of flowers trying to taste God. i love him more than anyone in this world and i trust him above all others. he'll let me know when i'm making sense and when i'm about to buy a one-way ticket on the Chumpville Express.

he called me today and i told him about this guy and his cold response to my invitation. i told him partially to make sure i wasn't over reacting. once i got home today i started having the worse cramps and so i wanted to make sure i wasn't being overly sensitive. he told me no and that the only thing that could excuse his behavior is if he was borderline autistic and couldn't pickup on social clues. he told me, "the next time you talk to him, make up some 8 digit number and ask him if it's prime. if he responds quickly then maybe you can cut him some slack." i told him that i wished...had i not been so stunned...that as soon as the guy blew me off that i just looked at him and said, "bad form, man. bad form." Atief suggested i simply mouth the word "wow" because it "causes instant self-evaluation."

i don't care when your last girlfriend was and what happened in the breakup. when a girl-- who comes to talk to you and who you openly admit to having a good time with-- shows interest in you and invites you to a concert, you don't dismissively reject her and then make a joke about her having fun going to the concert alone.

as Atief so eloquently put it, "it's 4 standard deviations from the norm," and, quite frankly, bad form.

2007-11-05T16:21:00.000-08:00

my situation isn't new, but that doesn't stop it from being depressing. the guys i want don't want me and the guys i don't do.

the latest one may be the worse one yet. it isn't so much that he doesn't like me as much as he's indifferent to me. someone being dismissive with genuine emotion is hard on a whole new level.

i finally worked up the nerve to ask him to a concert and he casually said that he'd already seen the band live and that they sucked. not to sound conceited, but it never occurred to me that he'd say no. we've had fun together before and i was pretty certain he liked me...but clearly i was wrong. i just stood there in disbelief after he said no and said, "really?" he looked at me and said, "yea." i was stunned. i was a broken record of disappointment and just kept asking, "really?" i thought he was joking or being difficult but would ultimately come around. i couldn't move. i stood there and it felt like in one fell swoop he'd cracked open my chest, snatched out my heart with his bare hands, and began gnawing it before the first drop of blood hit the floor.

what can you do besides watch the bastard eat your heart?

so, i'm done. i have to be. i'm in very serious danger with him. my sanity and spirit are tacked together with toothpicks and wood glue at best and he could easily break me. i know now that i don't have thick enough skin for him and, in the end, i don't want to have it. i don't want to be more jaded and bitter than i am. i'm already faking a solid 75% of my happiness as it is. i want to learn to be emotionally open and quasi-carefree again, but it has to be with someone who'll take care with me. clearly, he won't.

what's so sad is that he's an interesting and wildly intelligent guy. i love talking with him and hearing what he has to say about everything. plus, his voice is audio velvet sinuously caressing my ears. he's beautiful...a bit scruffy...but such a handsome man with perfect lips.

he just makes it impossible to know him.

youth and disappointment

2007-10-05T13:53:00.000-07:00

i think the worst the about getting older is seeing the loss of dreams in your friends. that tone that they get when they realize that this is their life and they don't like it. in a way, losing Shawn when i was only 22 had an upside: i learned early that the best laid plans of mice and men.... so now, i don't really make long term plans. it's 90% fear of failure and 10% laziness. it's not that i don't like responsibility or anything, it's just that i want to make sure when i do something and commit to it that it has a pretty good success rate.

i was talking to Cathy last night and it was so sad. she made a lot of bad decisions very early and now she has to come to terms with the weight of her choices. her #1 bad choice, easily, is Kasey. she just couldn't leave him alone. i don't know whether it was a self-esteem thing, a sex thing, a Captain Save-a-Ho thing or what, but she when it came perfectly clear to everyone that he was not what she needed --even at 15-- she dug in her heels. now, three kids and a 15 years later she's stuck. the sad thing is that she and i dated Kasey and his best friend at the time, Danny, at the same time. Danny was a piece of shit and didn't hide it. Kasey was the same way, but she...i don't know...she didn't see it or fell victim to the "deep down inside" syndrome. i can't imagine what my life would be like if i stayed with Danny. what a bastard.

three kids...she's stuck with him forever. especially since the youngest twins are only 2. she called me last night and you could just hear in her voice the loss of hope. it's very sad. i had similar conversation with my boy, Tariq, and he's going through the same thing. his situation is not as dire as Cathy's, but there's the recurring theme of how you thought your life would turn out. i think it's sad for me because i've already been through it and know how disheartened you feel and now i'm watching people i love go through it. if my life had worked out the way i wanted, i'd be 5yrs deep married to Shawn--who fiercely loved me-- living in Chicago with a degree, two step kids and one of my own. now, i'm nowhere near that.

although, i must say, i think now Cathy's understanding why i proceeded the way i did. a couple of months before Shawn died he asked me to have a baby with him. i told him no, not until i graduated college. after he died, Cathy asked me if i ever regretted it. i told her no. she said --which i think spoke volumes about how she views kids and her relationship with Kasey-- "but then you'd have a piece of him." i responded, "but they wouldn't have a father." i thought it bizarre to think that my desire to hold onto Shawn would trump my kid's emotional well being. since then, Cathy has made comments every now and then about me getting older and still not having kids. i just refuse...not to have kids, but to have one without a husband. she ridiculed me for that for years, and now i think it's finally dawning on her the value of it. still, it's sad to see her have to come to that realization entirely too late.

that's not to say i have it all together. i'm currently learning the value of patience. i'm a few months deep in my crush of this guy who is just awesome...a bit jaded and worse for the relationship wear...but pretty spectacular. lately, i've found myself getting very discouraged by the whole thing. he seems very wounded and i know that i have to proceed with care, but dammit, it's so much work! i'm not use to being this tempered. i know if we ever got together that we'd be amazing, but this process is really rather annoying. a lot of my worry is that this is going to turn out to be Vegas: Part Deux, but i have to just get past it. Vegas was a whole other beast and i shouldn't compare the two. i think there's a chance for something very real here and i know he's worth it. it just fucking sucks.

when i have kids, i'm going to encourage them to stay young and free for a long as possible. this grown-up shit is for the birds.

beautiful thing

2007-09-17T17:05:00.000-07:00

i went to this club in NYC, yo, this past weekend for my birthday with my girls...well, Erica, since Massandje lost her ID and couldn't get in... and there was this guy there, Ryan. this guy, no lie, was Shawn incarnate. he was built like Shawn, sorta looked like him, was ridiculous like him. it was pretty amazing...aside from his nastiness. basically, when i wasn't slapping his hand away i was having a great time. at one point he asked me if he could give me a birthday kiss and i let him kiss my cheek. next thing i knew he was licking my neck. see? nasty. anyway, toward the end of the night we were dancing and it was...it was like having my baby back for a little while. we danced there with my arms around his neck and his around my waist, my face buried drinking him in.

for that moment, i knew Shawn had found a way to be with me for a little while and in that instant, i didn't miss him so much.

it was a beautiful thing.

feelin' groovy

2007-09-06T01:34:00.000-07:00

i've been in an insanely good mood for the last...hell, it's been going on so long, i don't remember the last time i was emotionally wrecked. even Captain Retardo and his idiot moves can break my stride. a lot of things are going right and i'm fucking giddy as shit about it.

i turn 30 in two weeks and am happy as shit to be rid of my 20's. i've crammed a whole lot of life in these past 10 years. i've seen the world and lost more; it's all very bitter sweet. i'm not even sure i'd change anything. all of those moments and choices have led me here to the person i am now. granted, i could do with a degree and out of this town, but short of that, i think i survived them pretty well. all of this loss and sadness, biterness and rage has made me scorn the world, but --simultaneously and contrarily-- open my heart up so wide it makes me cry. it's kind of a beautiful thing. my heart will never be as open as it once was and my eyes will always betray the sadness my smile tries to mask, but that doesn't mean the happiness isn't real.

it's very strange business being me.

admittedly, this has some...oh, why lie...a whole hell of a lot to do with a boy. which, really, i should get over, because these things never turn out well for me. i'm doomed to be single and mingling in fucked up relationships for all eternity. the insufferable life of a cool girl who's never quite cool enough to date. that's just the way this shit rolls. i'd like him to be a blessed break from the norm and --if i were a true optimist-- would dare say he and i would be a sight to behold, but i'm not a true optimist and know this will end in ruin because i am cursed with a perpetually shitty Life Deck doling out trash hands.

strangely, i'm not freaking out over this. a calm has washed over me and steadied my nerves. i feel easy and confident. of course, he unnerves me and makes me stammer, but that just makes this whole thing sweeter. maybe i've just learned to enjoy the ride; "buy the ticket, take the ride." sure, all of the tracks aren't down yet and i'm careening upwards of 110mph on a dark and windy track in a foreign land, but dammit if that air isn't sweet with his scent and the breeze cool on my neck.

if sudden death is inevitable, then let it be this night, on this train, with this man.

enough already

2007-08-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

you know, people need to leave O.J. alone.

the Goldman family needs to get a hobby, pronto.

whether right or wrong, O.J. was found not guilty. for judges to keep allowing the Goldman family, in particular, to confiscate this man's money is ridiculous. as much as i hate to say, you know it's because he's black. thousands of white people get off from murders they clearly committed and people complain about a flawed legal system, but that's where it ends. O.J.'s found not guilty for the murder of his white wife and her lover and the man never gets left alone.

now, i'm aware that the reason the Goldman's are forever up in O.J.'s grill ...and in his pockets... is to collect on the wrongful death suit settlement. perhaps that's where my problem lies. certainly awarding the Goldman and Brown family $38 Million and $24 Million, respectively, in a wrongful death suit is enough to ensure that the man will live the rest of his life struggling and poor. which, i think, is an excellent ruling for a man found innocent. a whopping bill of $62 million is not tantamount to a guilty verdict at all. it doesn't send a clear message that the courts think he should've been found guilty but, since that didn't work, they would allow other legal avenues to ruin him.

aside from the race issue, i'm just sick of these people in general. i recognize their grief and, definitely, the feeling of being cheated is a harsh one to deal with. however, at some point, you just have to let it go. it's been 12 years. 12 years and they're still yapping behind him screaming, "it's not fair." i can only imagine how this has ruined their lives. can you imagine talk around the dinner table? O.J. updates and plans to continually bring him down. it all must get so tedious and spiteful. all of that hatred starts to eat you alive. i understand the desire for justice, but this is bordering of obsessive revenge. i think it'll start to backfire, because, i think, it starts to paint O.J. as the victim. a man who was cleared of all charges, but can't make a single move without the Goldman's (in particular) filing lawsuits.

i also find it interesting that the Brown's, if they do get involved, does it at the 11th hour. they're not leading this charge. O.J. was married to their daughter and was part of their family, if anyone should feel the most betrayed, it should be them. you'd think it'd be them. but i digress.

at least, O.J. is starting to speak out:

OJ Lashes Out At Family Of Victim

Updated: 10:18, Wednesday August 01, 2007

OJ Simpson has lashed out at the family of the late Ronald Goldman, one of two people he was sensationally cleared of murdering.

Simpson cleared of murder in 1995

The former American football star spoke out a day after Mr Goldman's relatives won the rights to Simpson's cancelled If I Did It book.

The controversial book detailed how Simpson would have killed his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ronald Goldman - a crime he has always denied.

News of the book's imminent publication caused a storm of protest.

Simpson was cleared of the vicious stabbings in 1995 following a trial that gripped the world. However, he lost civil lawsuits brought by the families of both victims.

Simpson criticised Mr Goldman's family of seeking to profit from the book after they said it promoted criminality and commercialised abuse.

A federal bankruptcy judge in Miami had awarded the book rights to Mr Goldman's family to satisfy a £19m wrongful death judgment against Simpson.

The sportsman-turned-actor said: "I find it sort of hypocritical that they talked everybody in America to boycott the book saying it was 'immoral', it was 'blood money'.

"But we now see it wasn't 'blood money' if they got the money."

True. True. the Goldman's get 90% of the profits of the book and the Brown's get the other 10%. what happens if the book makes $100 million . will they finally shut the fuck up? will he get the remaining $46 million? do the rights transfer back to him? there has to be a ceiling.

i do have to say one thing though: O.J. that book...not the best idea.

2007-08-08T13:33:00.000-07:00

i had a dream about Shawn last night. i don't remember the last time i had a dream this vivid...well, actually i do. it was a few years ago. these dreams are such a blessing and a curse. the thing that makes them so amazing is that it's not like i have some vague hint of him being there. it's just him. everything about him. everything he was and who he was to me is the same. there's no one else in the dream. it's just the two of us together again for those hours until my alarm pulls him away.

it makes waking up so hard and me hostile to the world for the rest of the day. it's not just the pain of loss, which is occasional, but acute. it's my life. it's where i am and who i am because of it. it's the wondering that gets me. where i would be, who would i be. i never would've met these people or lived in this apartment. as much as like some of them, truth be told, there's not one i wouldn't trade for him. i would be married somewhere with a couple of kids to a man who fiercely loved me. now...it's pathetic. and it sucks because there are few things worse in this world than feeling you got robbed. i abhor should've, could've, and would'ves, but there simply nothing i can do. not even then, there's nothing i could've done differently. it just is and it hurts and i have to suck it up.

i'm so tired of this being my reality.

the hottness

2007-08-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

you know it's too hot when it's too hot to go swimming. i'm about to smooth sit up under my airconditioner and paint my nails.

lawd-a-mercy!

my sweet Spaz

2007-07-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

Spaz dies tonight and it's just very sad. apparently, he got into a fight with a neighborhood dog and the dog killed him. you know, i used to make fun of people who cried over their pets, but i can't stop crying. he was such a cool cat.

the thing that saddens me the most is my mom. she LOVED him. he was her first pet. she never had any pets growing up and with having to take care of my aunts and uncles, i suppose they were more her pets. so, i feel so sad for her and losing him. she once told me that since he came from me --and was weird and talkative like me-- it was like having a piece of me there with her.

i hate hearing her voice like that.

she has another cat, but Spaz is a touch act to follow and Chi Chi isn't nearly as charismatic and affectionate. i supppose i'll have to rescue another cat to give her.

burn, baby, burn

2007-07-02T18:20:00.000-07:00

apparently, as Goat put it, "Holy Smokes went up in smoke."

this place was amazing. it was this old church that was remade into a BBQ place. the tag line was, "the answer to your BBQ prayers." the interior was just like a church. you sat in a pew and ate by a stained glass window. just beautiful. of course, one of the few spots i loved around here would got up in flames. i seriously need to move.

it was the place David took me on our first date...which seems appropriate now. the real question i have is how did it happen. i wonder if he burned that down too.

here's a link to the pic. oh, David...yea, kinda.

shame

2007-06-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

you know, it's sad when news headlines sound like Onion articles. i was at work yesterday and read this:

Rapper Stack Bundles shot to death

i laughed and called Atief in disbelief. i thought it was a joke. Stack Bundles? he and i often try to top the rap game in ridiculousness, but after this we both conceded that it was an impossibility. trying to keep up is like trying to chase the wind.

conflicted

2007-06-11T17:30:00.000-07:00

this clip managed to make me simultaneously like Sarah Silverman and feel bad for Paris Hilton...neither of which is particularly easy to do.

Sarah Silverman Blasts Paris Hilton At The MTV Awards - video powered by Metacafe

This message is brought to you by Captain Obvious:

2007-06-10T06:37:00.000-07:00

Poll: Most Palestinians depressed by violence

Captian Retardo

2007-05-23T00:09:00.000-07:00

so, it looks like Captain Retardo is contemplating retirement...and not a moment too soon.

i have been a very patient girl with this damn man. he's lucky i like him so much. trust me, i've bailed on lesser offenses. i can respect his gangsta and really was not willing to participate in his freak out. i'm not interested in anyone else. he has my complete and undivided attention, he just needs to calm down. i think that's starting to happen.

i went to the Watering Hole...as is my wont...and we showed up at the same time. i went on in, sat down, and starting talking to Debbie. a couple of minutes later, he comes in and sits next to me. we're talking and have a good time. the funny shit didn't start poppin' until this guy asked him if he wanted to play pool. what makes this so funny is that i go there to watch American Idol with Debbie and hang out. David doesn't like American Idol and actively laughs at us for watching it. so, our show is on and when the guy asked him if he wanted to play, David looked at me and hesitated. he didn't go until i reminded him that he didn't even like the show and that i'd come over to where he was when it was over. he said ok and then left. he popped back in a couple of times and then i went over to him when it was done.

what makes that so funny is that for someone who's freaking out and all noncommittal and distant, he was awfully concerned about leaving me. so, after my show, we played pool for the rest of the night and dicked around. that was fun: nice and flirty. he'd tap me and the ass with the pool stick and i'd nuzzle his ear to fuck up his shots. it felt...dare i say it?...normal again.

as my mom says, "whatever it is you're doing, it's working." the sad thing is all i'm doing to paying him very little mind and doing me. i knew i didn't make up how much we liked each other. i guess he just needed to throw on the brakes, which is fine with me. i've long since said this, since we started dating, i feel very comfortable and secure with him. even through his freak out, i don't think he's out with any other girl or anything like that. i can't explain why i don't believe that, i just do.

i've never really had a public relationship before. all of my shits have either been long distance or clandestine. either way, there is a certain comfort and security in everyone knowing you're together and openly flirting together. it certainly makes me --otherwise pathologically insecure-- capable of falling back and giving him space. tonight it was almost like i had my David back. i liked it...a lot.

being with him is much different from a lot of situations in the past, most notably, Vegas. man, that was a disaster. Andrea still believes he's full of shit and actually does like me. i agree, but it's irrelevant now. i was crazy about Vegas, but i always felt like i wasn't good enough. i don't feel like that with David. i know i can be as silly or retarded as i want with him and he'll either match it or top me. i don't feel like i need to stay abreast of current events just to casually talk to him. we can talk about those things, but i don't feel like i need to do any prep work to be around him. i can call him a jerk when he's being one. i can tell him he's sexy, because he is and he can effortlessly bring up Moni Love in a conversation. what's not to love about that?

what can i say? i'm totally smitten with this man. he's tall, beautiful, well rounded, and, most importantly, silly. my God the man is ridiculous. i fucking dig that. plus, i like having him naked in my bed. he's got probably one of the best backs i've ever seen. we have a good gig that has serious potential. i'm willing to wait for that for as long as it takes.

one really funny thing that happened was that he kept talking about an egalitarian society as he kicks my ass in pool. i said, "you know, who ever said i liked egalitarian societies?" he said, "oh, what? are you more of a traditionalist." i said, "as a matter of fact, i am. i'm a southern girl. i believe in letting a man be a man. i cook and bake and do all things domestic and you should knock some of my balls in to make me feel better." he laughed and then blew some shots to let me catch up. at one point, he hit two of my balls in at the same time. he looked at me, smiled, took off his hat and bowed. i walked over from around the table and curtsied.

boys: they're so insane.

2007-04-26T11:21:00.000-07:00

yea, i get my american idol activity on.

pretty fly

2007-04-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

for a white guy.

truer words have never been said. i burst out laughing when he said that. obviously, he was joking, but it's true. he's full of pleasant surprises... plus he massages my shoulders while he kisses me. i recognize that i'm in the bright eyed stage of this thing with him and there are a million things that can go wrong, but i just want to savor every second with him.

yesterday, he'd been up since 5am, spent 2 1/2 hours at the gym, went to work, and still came out to play pool with me at 8pm. when i got there he said he was tired and that he wasn't going to stay out too late. 11:30pm we're still playing darts and pool. 12am we're outside kissing goodnight. 12:30am he comes back inside with me. 1am we're kissing goodnight and head home. what's not to love? he was going to come home with me, but he just looked so damn tired. he probably would've gotten back to my place and fallen asleep as soon as he hit the bed. besides, he'd already put in his work by staying out with me until 1am. by then, he'd been up for 21 hours. i think he kinda likes me.

aside from him being very well-rounded and adorable, the thing i like most about him is how easy his spirit is. he's so damn chill. it's easy to act a fool and play around with him. i don't feel like i need to be... anything. i don't have to be witty or sexy or politically savvy. he plays pool while i watch American Idol. we got together when i was looking real average. i know that --since i didn't do anything but exist--that he simply likes me, so it's easy to be me.

i big heart this guy. i really hope this works out, because i wouldn't mind feeling this content for a long time.

2007-04-08T17:48:00.000-07:00

any death is sad, but there are those that are just especially awful. i found out probably the second worse death yesterday.

the first happened to a friend of mine. her uncle hadn't been heard from in a few days and her mother went over to check on him. her mother found him dead --which is bad enough-- but the shock from it caused her mother to have a heart attack, i think. can you imagine? losing your uncle and your mother at the same time. ugh. that's just the worst thing i've ever heard.

the second worst happened to an old childhood friend of mine. she and i didn't stay in touch at all, so this isn't personally sad for me, it's sad for her mom. Yvonne Matthews didn't have any kids and had adopted Rachel and rasied her as her own. i don't remember how all of that happened, i know Yvonne wasn't married and it was just the two of them. we all went to the same church growing up and Yvonne works at the same university as my dad. anyway, dad told me last night that Rachel and her 3 yr old daughter had died in a car accident (the car hit them as they were crossing the street) somewhere in NC.

i feel so horrible for Yvonne. she lost her only child and grandchild at the same time. she went from having a whole family to being all alone...again. ugh. Rachel was only 24. that's just aweful. i think parents burying child is that worse thing. there's something unnatural about it. as a child, you sort of know that someday you'll have to bury your parents. sometimes the timing is unfair and a kid will lose their parent while they are really young, but most of the time the cycle runs its natrual course. i don't have any kids, but i can't imagine what special sort of hell it must be to raise and nurture a person and to have them taken away from you. all of that lost potential.

i've been thinking about it most of the day. it's amazing to me how insanely random life is. you have people who squander opportunities and personal relationships in equal measure, doesn't seem to realize what they have, and certainly doesn't respect any of it. then you have people would give anything to have half of what they have. it is what it is and each person lives their own life, but it's just hard to understand how unfair life is.

maybe all of that is what makes me try so hard in my personal relationships. i never want to take anyone for granted, because...and i hate to take it back to church, but...we aren't promised tomorrow, and, at the end of the day, i may not have a college degree yet and my job may suck, but i know i'm loved and everyone i love knows it.

i guess, to me, that's what it's all about.

computer love

2007-04-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

god love technology.

i was napping and woke up to the phone ringing. i let the answering machine pick it up and heard a bunch of people on the phone chattering away. i picked it up and it was just about my whole family. my uncle darryl had called from his Skype account --a phone service that makes calls from your computer and can have up to 9 people on the phone at once. he had called the family for a cross-continental phone party. it was Aasim...and eventually Olga... in Spain, Atief in Chicago, me in MA, and mom, Benjamin, and him in St. Louis. we tried to call my sister in VA, but she wasn't there. it was really fun.

once we established that it was a bona fide party, i played DJ and started it out with some Flashlight. few things are cooler than your family singing "da-da-da-dee-da-da-da-da" from literally all over the world. it was really good talking to Sim. i haven't talked to him in a long time and he's going to Afghanistan for a couple of months in June. he's flying into STL next month and i'm going to go home to see him before he heads out. after that, i think i'm going to go back to Spain with him in August. i've been flirting with the idea of moving over there; maybe not forever, but at least for a little while. so, i'm partly going over to see him and travel with him, but i'm also going over to scope it out and see if i'd like it. if nothing else, i want to live there long enough to become fluent in spanish. it's all in the works, but i'm seriously thinking about it.

anyway, it was really fun being able to talk to my whole family. i really miss Aasim and that phone call really made my year.

you know, for as inauspiciously as this year started, it's turning out to be pretty fucking dope.

happy easter

2007-04-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

luda-lu and RACS

2007-04-07T23:56:00.000-07:00

hi-larious.

Ludacris Freestyle An ENTIRE Music Video - The most popular videos are a click away

RACS (Rappers Against Child Support) PSA - The most amazing home videos are here

equal opportunity dancer

2007-04-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

wow. really? "GAY VOODOO LIMBO TANGO AND WANGO DANCE"? is that like the Wang Chung?

what i find really remarkable about this --aside from the egregious punctuation mistakes-- is that they kept responding. at no point did the recruiter think that this might go public? see, that's just ignorant on a whole other level.

good look

2007-04-04T09:04:00.000-07:00

david is a good look for me.

i haven't blushed harder than i did tonight and cheesing with a shit eatin' grin on my face all the way home. this man...this beautiful, funny, sexy man is a good fucking look for ya girl.

this river is wild

2007-04-01T08:38:00.000-07:00

i went hiking yesterday with david and had a great time. actually, we ended up spending most of the day together. he came to pick me up around noon and i didn't get home until 8 or so.

first we went to...oh who the hell knows where we were? only the gods and he know. anyway, we we hiking for about two hours. we ended up on the rocky cliff that we sat and talked and admired the scenary on. that place would be amazing during the fall. you could see everything. for as much as i tend to hate living here, the one thing i've never been able to deny is that it is beautiful. it's just the people that ruin it.

anyway, we hiked back to his car and drove into Shelbourne Falls for lunch. strangely, nothing was open. there we were, 3pm on a saturday afternoon, with nothing open to eat. we walked around for a bit and he took me down to see the falls. i can't remember what it was called, but it had something to do with salmons. i think he said it was a place where the Native Americans used to catch fish. anyway, it was this rushing fall and beautiful. there were all of these rocks that created mini waterfalls all over the place. there were a couple of pockets that i could see spending the better part of a summer day in. anyway, so, he asked me if i wanted to go down and i said yes; being the waterbaby that i am, how could i refuse?

we climbed down the side and made it onto the rocks. i'm standing there and really just want to touch the water. i took off my socks and shoes and started to climb down the rocks. by the way, rocks are really slippery when wet. i'm edging my way down and slipped on the rocks and completely fell in the water. i had mentioned to him earlier that i was really clumsy. you'd think, knowing this about myself, that i'd stay clear of situations like that, but, luckily, at this point i lack shame when i fall. i'm going to fall at some point, so i might as well have some fun. david jumps down and pulls me out and i'm just laughing, because all i could think was, "typical." i actually didn't realize how wet i was until i stood up. i thought my foot just went in and part of my leg with it. nope. my whole back side-- up to the top part of jeans--was soaked. not just wet. i was dripping all over the place.

we laughed and went back to his car. good thing i had just done laundry when he came to get me, so my clothes were in the back of his car. he took his gym towel and put it in the front seat for me.

we drove to get some food and were going to go to Springfield to this BBQ place, but he remembered there was a place in Hatfield that was a converted church. it was called Holy Smokes. the tag line was, "the answer to your BBQ prayers." it was adorable. i laughed as we walked in saying that it'd been years since i'd been to church. the inside was totally awesome. the seat were pews, complete with the red cushions. the menus were "Amenu" and there were flying pigs all over the place. it was really cool eating pretty delicious BBQ by the light of a stained glass window. such a sweet place. they had homemade lemonade that was just right. we both ended up having the "Turf and Turf" which was ribs and beef brisket with mac and cheese and cole slaw. the cole slaw was off the chains. the mac and cheese was pretty good. what was really good was their jumbalya. man, de-lish.

i was going to change when i got to the Holy Smokes, but by that time capillary action had transfered most of the wet from my jeans to the towel.

he had to meet his friend to look at a place in Holyoke, but we had time. so, we stopped off to get some ice cream and hit some balls at the driving range. i've never played golf before and completely wasted his money, because i sucked. i don't think golf was meant for girls with my...attributes. it was fun watching him, though. the best part was hearing the swooshing sound of a good swing. he said it was the most addictive sound, and i believe him. i told him he'd get along with Glenn and Jason, who are both golf nuts.

after that, we checked out his potential apartment with Carlos and then he took me home. he helped me carry my laundry in, we kissed goodnight, and he left.

it was, easily, the best day i've had since i've been here. it was really adorable, because as soon i got in, i put my stuff down and called Andrea. not 5 min. after he left, he called me to thank me for the day and that he had a really good time with me. nice. so, we're going to get together Tues.-- since i always go to the Watering Hole to watch American Idol with his sister-- and we'll play pool or something.

this guy's a good look. and i've already made an ass out of myself, so there's not much else to see. come to think of it, he also saw me fall in the snow, when i was helping to dig him out --which is how we first met. i really am a klutz. fingers crossed with this guy. so far, he's a good look. he talks a lot and reminds me a bit of dad in his almost manic need to do things, but he definitely keeps it interesting. plus he likes to do a lot of outdoors stuff, so he's perfect for me and wanting to get out and exercise.

like i said, fingers crossed.

george harrison would be...

2007-03-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

proud? i don't know, but this shit is hilarious. hey, at least they're trying to be more historically accurate and didn't use white chocolate.

oh, irony

2007-03-30T09:27:00.000-07:00

LOL.

2007-03-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

special request

2007-03-23T01:50:00.000-07:00

fellas: you simply can not ask a girl to flirt with you. it's not a good look. it's an even worse look if she indulges you and you suddenly turn into Beaky Buzzard. man, have i had my fill of ridiculous men. tonight was no different. there's this new guy at work. i don't see him much and don't really have an opinion of him, although he seems to rub just about everyone i talk to the wrong way. he's loud --well, he has a bit of a booming voice-- and he's really cocky... but not in the hot, Vegas cocky way.

my only real encounter with him was when he asked if any people from work ever went for drinks. he was referred to me, because, apparently, i'm the resident drunk. anyway, i told him i usually hang out at the Watering Hole and that it was a serious dive. he said he doesn't do dives and that he only drinks expensive liquor. fine. so i told him to check out the Tunnel Bar and that their drinks were a bit pricier and that they made really good martinis. he responded that he doesn't drink martinis and started to tell me what he did drink, but, honestly, i tuned him out because: a) i do do dives and b) if i did go out, i wouldn't invite him so i couldn't care less what he drinks. that encounter didn't totally turn me off, he's just a snob and probably overcompensating. it is what it is. my usual contact with him is very minimal and relatively pleasant.

tonight, Jase was working and i big heart Jason. so, i peaked in to see if he was at work yet and dude asked me what i was looking for. i told him, "honestly, i was looking for Jason." he told me when he came in and i said i'd be back when he got there, which i did. as soon as i saw Jase, i went over and started talking and shamelessly flirting with him, as is my wont and our gig. i came over with some coffee, which Jase jokingly asked if i bought him for him. i shit you not, dude sais--semi-seriously-- "how come you don't come over flirting with me and bringing me coffee?" on the surface it seems playful and innocuous enough, but i don't know him. so, it's just kind of weird.

i only shamelessly flirt with my friends. i love Jase and we've known each other for years. there's nothing between us, which is what makes it so fun. no chance of misinterpretation. hell, even when Vegas was around i didn't flirt with him as much as i do Jase, because i actually liked him and my affection for him was not for sport.

anyway, i told the guy that i was an equal opportunity flirter and that i'd think about it. later on that night, his department got a phone call and as i transfered the call, i commented on his loud voice. he said some people considered it offputting. i slyly told him that i found it rather soothing.

then it happened: dude turned into Beaky. he was stuttering and fumbling his words. it was so bad, not only could he not recover, but he ended up just hanging up the phone on me. come to think of it, i never saw him leave. he must've just slipped out.

anyway, i laughed about that the whole night. hell, i laughed just now typing it. to be so bold as to ask a girl to flirt with you and then fumble so badly you have to hang up on her...hi-larious. oh, and what makes the story even better is that, at least when i first saw him before Jase came, he was leaning up against the counter with his arms propping him up and his fly was wide open. Jase asked me if i told him, i said no because it was funny. what makes it hysterical is that he's going to get home tonight, realize it was open, but have no idea how long it was or who saw. there's the funny.

i know i'm kinda cold-hearted, but to roll with me, you gotta bring your A game.

lunatic

2007-03-17T04:19:00.000-07:00

i'm a lunatic. i'd like to think it's part of my charm...who knows. so i went out tonight to a friend of mine's going away shindig at Ye Ole Watering Hole. i went with 6+ inches of snow and sleet coming down. i'm an idiot.

i did this kind of crazy driving only one other time, but it was much further away and i was...well, am...in love with the guy. so, i'd do that for him again in a heartbeat.

this guy tonight is my Aussie, Kerry. he's "or-some." the reason i went out tonight is because he's moving on Monday and he makes me laugh. i've been frequenting the Watering Hole with him for quite some time now and he's pretty much the only person who has successfully managed to get me to a point to where everytime he calls i'll come out...because he makes me laugh. what can i say? dude's a good time. anyway, it's about 15 mi. away from where i live and it took me almost an hour to get home. crazy talk.

i'm not a big believer in...many things, actually. no, that's not true. i very much believe in Karma and the notion of giving to the ether what you want in return. it's why i give Goat rides home when i wasn't even thinking about going to NoHo. because, i'd like to think that i'm putting that out into the world and, if my brother was ever in need, it would transfer to him. i adhere pretty strictly to the Golden Rule, even when i'm being an asshole to someone. obviously, i don't care how they treat me; or if it's badly, i'm not surprised.

i do believe that sometimes we are compelled to do something without knowing the reason, but it's later revealed. many times i know why. i knew, when i drove to New Haven during one of the worst storms since the early 1900's simply to celebrate his birthday, what i was doing. i knew i was doing it so he'd know that he mattered to me. of course, i didn't know we'd fight most of the night, but that's not really a surprise for us. tonight, however, i knew i wanted to hang out with Kerry, but i'm going to see him tomorrow, too. so, it wasn't just him that was driving me to venture out in this shit. the answer came as i was leaving.

i earlier bought a little shovel to leave in my car. my last one broke and it hasn't snowed a whole lot, so i never replaced it. with the weather at my door, i figured now would be a good time. i bought the last one at Wal-Mart this afternoon, as the snow started coming down. tonight, i helped dig two guys that were totally fucked out. the second guy had some people pushing, but it was packed all around his tires and their pushes were of almost no use. the guy before, though, was the reason i came out. i was leaving the bar and he was all kinds of jacked up. i tried to push his car out as he backed up, that only got him stuck more. so, i went to my car and drove back to help dig him out. it took us about 15 min. to do it, but he eventually made it.

as i was leaving, he thanked me and asked me if i wanted a couple of bucks. i asked him why. i told him to not worry about it and that we were all in this mess together. as soon as he was out, 30 ft. away the second guy was caught up. so, i handed my shovel to the guys while i parked my car. they had him out by the time i got there.

i think these are the moments that are important. it's not just about sending it up to the ether to come back to you or someone you love. although, it is comforting to know that somewhere in VT someone is helping him [sorry, i have no idea why he's on my mind so much tonight]. more than that, though, it's important to connect with people. living up here is a very lonely experience. i think the one thing i miss the most is touch. not in a sexual way, but just the sense on touch. being comfortable and close enough to someone to allow them and be allowed to touch them is everything. it's also important for me to being able to effect someone's life and shine a little light --no matter how brief-- onto them. small things make the difference.

to me, tonight was 30 minutes out of my life. to them it was being able to get home safely. it took almost nothing from me to make a huge difference to someone else.

so, maybe i'm a lunatic for even venturing out in the snowy mess, but someone's home right now because of it. that kind of crazy i'm comfortable with.

seriously, enough

2007-03-16T12:16:00.000-07:00

i'm all for cultural sensitivity. i'm...actually, not really into political correctness. i think it stymies almost every creative outlet out there, because it doesn't stop you from feeling, it just stops you from saying it, and creative expression is all about the inside coming out. not everyone's going to like it, but you shouldn't be concerned with what other people will say...unless-- in these modern times-- those people have lawyers and will ruin you. so, no, not a big proponent of political correctness.

erin and i went to see 300 last night. ah, it was awesome. lots of hot, determined, violent, sweaty men. there was no weak link in those 300, either. even the old dudes were ripped. it was a bit melodramtic, but it was a visually beautiful movie. the Spartans were smartasses until the very end. if ever there was a movie right up my alley... i think the only thing missing was a car chase scene.

anyway, so i dug it. i woke up this morning to this article.

oh, would you just shut the fuck up. of course it portrayed Persians in a bad light. it's a movie about 300 Spartans fighting the entire Persian empire for freedom...told from the point of view of the Spartans. were they supposed to sympathize with them? generally, in the retelling of wars --and in wars, themselves-- there are good guys and there are bad guys. usually, the side telling the story is the good side.

for fuck's sake, it based off of Frank Miller's 1999 graphic novel, well before the war.

and now, for a few responses:

"Already, I have spoken with many of my friends whose only knowledge of the history of the Persian empire and the Persian wars has been formed by this movie," Yousefi said, "and who vehemently believe that the movie is historically accurate."

then, your friends are dumbasses and should do some independent reading.

Iranian-based Taliya News slammed 300 as a "hateful movie" and a cog in the "U.S. propaganda machine."

really? because the last time i checked, Spratans were Greek.

He finds 300's depiction of the Spartans to be accurate; he finds its depiction of the Persians to be "irresponsible."

here's a thought: it was told from the Spartan perception of what they encountered, not how they actually looked. the best example is when they started fighting against some Chinese looking dudes who had hand bombs and the storyteller refered to them as "fighting with magic." not exactly historically accurate.

if we are to believe everything we saw, Xerxes was about 10 feet tall and most of the creatures they fought against would shock Barnum himself.

plus, if we were to believe everything we saw in the movies, Wesley Snipes is a vampire, George Clooney's a con artist, and Nicholas Cage is attractive.

it's all bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

abuse

2007-03-12T16:08:00.000-07:00

at a time when the abuse of president and his government agencies are rampant and extensive, it's hard to shock me. don't get me wrong, it's not that i'm not outraged, it's just that my mind has been boggled for so long as to how it's been allowed to happen that nothing surprises me anymore. it's clear that the current administration is a self-serving, dangerous political regime. at this point, their lies don't even try to justify the means.

at first, i was quick to take a look around me and wonder why there weren't abounding marches in the streets and why it seemed that my fellow americans were ok with this. there were a couple of flaws with my criticism: 1) i wasn't marching in the streets, so it's hard to throw stones when i'm living in a glass house, but more than that, i firmly believe that 2) people weren't ok with it, they not only, initially, trusted the president --which you should until he proves himself to unworthy-- but once it became clear he was a true believer of his own rhetoric, the people trusted the elected officially who were supposed to be their voice to the president. the members of congress did not stagger their way into their offices. they campaigned. they assured their constituents that they, not their opponent, would act in their best interest, be their voice, and reflect their will. that's why we have congress, so we don't have to take to the streets when parts of our government start fucking up. we can protest, if we want, but it shouldn't be initially necessary. now, when it's clear that the checks and balances of government are failing, then, i think we are obligated to protest and fiercely.

i think if we protested at every sticky point, we'd lose effect. case in point: Rev. Al Sharpton. now, i respect Al, but there are a great number of times he just needs to sit down and shut the fuck up. i appreciate him being the sounding alarm of gov't misdeeds, but when all you do is squawk, people stop paying attention. you lose you effectiveness when everything is an issue, nothing is an issue. it's also hard to take someone seriously who doesn't seem to prioritize his concerns. he's like an hysterical grandmother who freaks out in equal measure at mismatched socks and house fires. even when grandma is legitimately warning you against growing smoke in the house, no one's listening because...she's just being grandma. now, if grandma picked and chose her hysteric battles, we wouldn't be casualties on the nightly news. that's Al Sharpton. even when he's valid he's a joke. but i digress.

times seem to be reaching critical mass: in politics, in entertainment, in personal relationships, and it all seems ready to implode. few employ reason. even fewer yield. the concept of compromise has all but gone the way of the dinosaurs. sadly, treachery and subterfuge are not only commonplace, but have come to be expected. still, i'm a insufferable optimist and/or a fool --in which case you should recognize it and still love me. so, even in the worst of times, i can still be floored.

i read this article slack jawed. it's not that i didn't believe it was happening, it's the nerve...and quite frankly the sloppiness in getting caught. if anyone should be able to cover their tracks --aside from the CIA-- it should be the FBI. that's just embarrassing.

US Airways

2007-03-09T13:43:00.000-08:00

if you can at all avoid it, certainly avoid US Airways! these dipshits lost my luggage coming and going to St. Louis this past weekend. i took these pics during my 20min. wait just to talk to the lost luggage people monday morning.

everytime i've taken this airline i've either missed my connecting flight, almost missed it, or had my bags lost. the bad thing is that half the time i almost miss my flights it's not because the layover is short. it's because they're always late. this particular flight, though, i had a layover in Philly and, i shit you not, my arrival gate and departure gate were right next to each other. these guys could've literally rolled my bag 30 ft to my next plane. we also got there early from St. Louis, so they had 20 extra scheduled minutes to get it on the plane. we ended up leaving 30-40min. late because a couple of connecting flights and they --again, i shit you not-- were waiting for some luggage.

really?

so, my flight was supposed to get into Bradley at 12:30pm and i had to be at work at 2:30pm. we didn't get there until just after one. i didn't speak with the lost luggage guy until 1:40pm and we didn't get the paperwork sorted out until 1:50pm. i'm so pissed off at this point that i'm crying. actually, that's not true. when i first realized my luggage was lost again, i was crying. as i'm waiting, i ask a baggage guy if there was another person to help this guy --who'd been with one customer for 15min since i'd been there. he actually said i could go upstairs to the check-in desk and "if they were in the mood to help" me they would. to which i responded, "i paid $400 for this ticket, they'd better get in the mood." please, i wish someone would tell me they didn't feel like helping me.

by the time i got to the guy, i was a freakish and intense calm. i asked him for a phone to call my boss, but he said his phone didn't call long distance. really? so, i was directed to the airport information booth where they directed me to a pay phone. you got me fucked up if you think i'm going to pay for this call. i did my part to get myself to work on time. these are the dipshits who managed to fuck up 2 hours of leeway time. i decided i was going to go upstairs to the check-in counter and make the phone call there. this guy standing at the info booth tells me to calm down and hands me his cell phone. i told him that i really wanted US Air to pay for the call. he talks me down a bit and i call work from his phone.

so, there i am at Bradley International at 2pm waiting for the shuttle bus to get me to my car, to then drive 45min., take a shower, and get to work...work, i should've been at by 2:30pm. not to mention, this weekend i worked off of the least amount of sleep legally possible. i think the only people who go less sleep than me were sleep deprivation subjects.

on the plus side, i had a good weekend. i got to see almost my entire family (except for Sloan, Larry, and Aasim), which was really refreshing for me. it's kinda cool to see the fusing of my otherwise splintered family.

kinda makes me want to move back home.

crazy person

2007-03-02T00:39:00.000-08:00

i feel like a crazy person right now. it's 12:20am and i have an 8am flight out of Hartford and it's snowing right now. i still have to pack and my apartment's a mess. i'm hopped up on caffeine and have a bazillion things running around in my increasingly unfocused head. i'm flying out to for my sister's baby shower and have to figure out how to accomplish her shower planning and attendance, my niece's birthday party 2 hours away, seeing my friends, and not neglecting my mom all in the course of three days. lots and lots of lattes.

i've recently discovered a strange and contradictory thing about myself: i don't really like to fly. i *love* to travel, but i don't really like to fly. i don't like pissing the better part of my days in lines, the soft core violations of security checks, and simply don't like the feeling of flying. when i fly, i only drink ginger ale, because i constantly feel like vomiting. isn't that weird? isn't that the exact wrong thing to hate when you travel as much as me? how fucked up am i?

i've also decided not to sweat demanding people. i've found that when i come home to MO everyone is demanding of my time. i appreciate that people want to see me, but i never have more than a few days, at best, and everyone wants that time. generally, i usually only want to see Andrea and my mom when i'm in MO, but so many other people are pulling on me. i've decided: fuck 'em. if you want concentrated time with me, you get on a plane and come see me. i live alone and you'd have my undivided attention. you can't possibly be mad at me for not spending more time when i'm the only one moving. it's like someone getting mad because you don't call. fuck that, phones work both ways. the only person who has an right to me is mom, because 1) she gave birth to me and 2) she's my mom. that's never a problem, because i like hanging out with my mom.

oh, man, i am procrastinating. i'm in the age old dilemma of whether or not to sleep. i don't want to over sleep, since i have to be up in about 5 hours. the snow now complicates things. i am so fucking tired though. i think i'm going to pack my shit up, listen to some more Damien Rice, and try to clean up a bit and see how i feel in about 2 hours.

lame. so fucking lame. the snow is coming down steady and hard. if snow was a man, i'd know what to do with my time. as it is, it's just wack. i really hope this doesn't delay my trip.

"pick pockets of our goodwill"

2007-02-28T08:25:00.000-08:00

2007-02-28T08:09:00.000-08:00

hollywood can sleep well tonight.

2007-02-26T17:29:00.000-08:00

2007-02-23T01:16:00.000-08:00

so, i abandoned the email...technically, i "save draft"-ed it. i figured if it was that hard, then it's too soon. lord knows, i don't need one more thing to regret.

lame

2007-02-23T01:09:00.000-08:00

i am so fucking lame. i'm sitting here trying to write this email and it is slow fucking going.

in all honesty, it's way too soon to be trying to contact this person, but i know if too much time lapses, and he falls out of my routine, that it'll be twice as hard to get it back. so, i'm trying. i'm trying to salvage a friendship and i can't get this stupid email right. it just sounds so detached and cold. i'm going for "guarded," but it's sort of abrupt. maybe it's because i'm so used to speaking freely with him, that all of these walls are making it very difficult. it's like a path through the woods on your way home; you know it by heart, every dip, every branch, every turn. now, it's like my home is a war zone and the path leading me there is lined with land mines. i still know the way by heart, but i have to walk gingerly. it's all rather exhausting.

this email is lame. really, it's merely indicative of the entire situation, so, in a way, it's fitting that it sucks. i want to keep a moderate amount of contact, but i don't really want to engage in a conversation just yet. i don't want to give the impression that everything is fine and i don't want to give him false hope that we will be ok, when i'm undecided about whether or not i'll see him again. how do you toe that line?

the embarrassing thing is that the damn thing is only 4 lines long and the only thing i want to say is that i miss him. lame.

my poor heart

2007-02-23T00:22:00.000-08:00

i just looked at myself in the mirror and i'm a mess. my mascara is smeared so much i look like The Crow. i've been crying so long my head and heart hurt. the shameful thing is that it's not about a boy, it's about a show. i just watched the final part of a three part event on Grey's Anatomy and was weeping like a child. i was a mess last week, but tonight...oh, my god, tonight.

i got home from work at 10:30pm and immediately took off my shoes and pants and plopped myself in the middle of the floor of my living room floor. for the next hour i didn't move. i never made it to the couch and i totally forgot i was hungry. i turned on the tv and was hooked. i won't bore anyone with the details, but, essentially, Meredith had to decide she wanted to live. the part that wrecked me was that the reason she decided to fight to live was because of Derek. not just that they loved each other and all of that, it was what Denny said. he said that it was rare to find someone like him who was a talented, good man who loves her and an optimist, despite everything he sees working in a hospital. he said the reason she needed to live was that if she died it would forever change him.

uh, cue the waterworks. the scene and all that followed had me sobbing. not just the lone tear streaking down my face. i mean full on heaving chest, audible sobs. by the time it was over, my cheeks were raw and my chest was soaked. i think the last time i cried that hard at TV was ...oh, well, the Notebook, but i'm genetically predisposed --as a woman-- to weep at that movie, but before that...The English Patient. i watched in my downstairs back home and cried all through the credits and after the screen was blank. i pretty much cried myself to sleep on that one. tonight wasn't that rough, but it was pretty fucking close.

of course, there's all of the connections with Shawn and then this past thing, but even if my life had been a basket full of roses, i still would've been a mess. i'm a sensitive soul, what can i say?

what a good fucking show.

2007-02-21T23:55:00.000-08:00

This Man Obviously Has Substance Abuse Problems And No Capacity To Love vs. But You Love Him!

February 14, 2007 | Issue 43•07

Point

This Man Obviously Has Substance Abuse Problems And No Capacity To Love

By Your Brain

It is time to face facts: Your boyfriend has nothing to offer you. He is a mean drunk, a liar, a cheater, and an emotional drain. He contributes nothing to your life but added stress and self-doubt. You have been together five months and he wants to move in, but never once has he said "I love you," and he never even refers to you as his girlfriend. Clearly, he only wants to live with you because he is two months behind in his rent and is about to get evicted.

Stop making excuses for him. He cannot hold down a job because he is lazy, not because the jobs don't suit his talents or because he's making some kind of shrewd career move. What could possibly be redeemable about someone who steals money out of his girlfriend's purse to buy coke, and doesn't deny it or apologize when she calls him on it?

You must recognize his manipulative behavior and not mistake it for love or compassion. When you confront him with very reasonable concerns, he tries to cow you with guilt or anger. It is not normal, it is not healthy, and it happens time and again.

Your friends, coworkers, parents, brother, and sister all agree that he does not treat you well, that he is irresponsible, that he is mean and unpleasant. They simply cannot all be wrong.

Your worry and pain far outweigh the good times you have enjoyed. Even sex is a chore with him. He tries to put the blame on you by saying you "did it all wrong" or he "always has to do all the work," but he only says that to mask his own physical inadequacy and excuse his selfishness. And do not defend him by bringing up the mix CD he gave you four months ago. It was one cliché gesture and they were all songs he liked anyway.

There is no reason to continue being with someone who exploits your good nature and saps your self-confidence. You must break it off with him immediately. Period.

Do not let him talk you out of it this time.

Counterpoint

But You Love Him!

By Your Heart

None of that other stuff should matter when you love somebody. What, you're going to abandon someone who's battling an uncontrollable addiction—right when he needs you the most? Maybe you're the one who's being selfish.

You haven't been working at it enough. Relationships are never easy. Don't be a quitter. If you keep on loving him no matter what, the chance this will work out can only improve! He'll finally realize how much he's been taking you for granted. He'll get a job, buy you a ring, and it'll be true love at last. It's going to be so awesome!

Just think of how cute your babies will be!

He can't be a drug addict forever. People change and grow over time. They do. I really believe it. But if you leave him now, he won't, and it will be all your fault. What he needs the most is a really supportive girlfriend who will help him get out of his $30,000 debt so he can record his demo and get steady DJ work again. He is going to be so appreciative. Maybe he'll write a song about you!

If your family and friends won't accept your boyfriend, they probably aren't real friends or are just jealous. Heck, Mom and Dad never have anything nice to say about your boyfriends anyhow. Don't reject him like everyone else has. Just focus on your relationship. In time, everyone will realize how wrong they've been.

He's a very smart, creative, unique guy, you know. Remember when he made you that mix CD? That was so romantic! Don't be so egotistical that you can't take a little criticism from him. Instead, you should thank him. True, he's not all sappy and lovey-dovey. But you see something past that gruff exterior that no one else can!

Remember how depressed he was after the first time you forgave him for cheating? He didn't talk to you for weeks. Well, he learned his lesson. I have a feeling that the bumps in the road are behind you. The heart has a gift for knowing what the brain doesn't.

Why throw this great thing away? I don't like saying this, but if you dump him, you do run the risk of never being with someone again. It could happen. And you remember how much it sucks to be single. So count your blessings.

Whatever you do, don't let go! Every long-term relationship has its ups and downs. If you really love him, you've got to be in it for the long haul. That's what real love is all about.

auntie april

2007-02-17T20:05:00.000-08:00

i'm liking this gig more and more. i'm not ready for kids myself, but i still get to shop for them, make them happy, and get an idea of what's in store for me. it's a good look.

i was in Target today and, on a whim, found myself picking out baby clothes for my sister's baby shower and singing "Baby Love" by Diana Ross and the Supremes. i ended up with over $50 worth of clothes. it was adorable. if i did that on a whim, imagine what i'll intentionally do. one thing is for sure, this little girl is going to want for nothing with this family. we're crazy and trying and you may need to take us in doses, but when you're in it, there's a lot of love surrounding you.

i'm getting really excited. i'm also excited because my other niece is turning 5 in a few weeks, and it's so much fun shopping for her. we had some really great moments together at Schroon this past nov.; my favorite was stargazing. i was sitting in a chair, with her on my lap, and a blanket snuggling us in as we looked up, on a pitch black night, at perfectly lit stars in the middle of the Adirondacks. the best was her doing her not so quiet whisper pointing out stars. she loved it. once i got home, i promptly sent her my solar system mobile. i'm not sure what i'm going to get her this time, but i want it to be good.

i'm going to try to make it to IL for Emily's birthday party. it's the same weekend as Zaina's baby shower, so i should be able to do one on Sat. and the other on Sun. it's going to be so cool seeing everyone in my family, save for Aasim, Olga, Sloan, and Larry in the same weekend.

i've got a good family. sometimes they hurt my feelings and piss me the hell off, but i wouldn't trade 'em.

honkytown strikes again

2007-02-13T01:24:00.000-08:00

i'm at work today and the size of the "African American History Month" table is just embarrassing. oh, i'm sorry, it's a table and an endcap. the table is a glorified night stand. it's small enough that i can grab either side. yea, it's unacceptable. i mentioned that it was a bit shameful last week, but was ignored. i came into work today and it bothered me all over again. it's just insulting. i mean, if you're not going to do it well, don't do it at all. it's a token table of blackness. so, this morning i mentioned it to my assistant manager to which he replied, "how do you think we feel? for gay [week?month? i don't remember] we only get an endcap." i looked at him and said, "yea, but we were enslaved." funny how that never seems to lose it potency. so, he told me to talk to the store manager...and i did.

i went into her office and ask, "what's up with the blackness?" i told her what i thought of it and that --which is true-- this weekend an older black lady came in looking for our table and found it wanting in girth and variety and left quite annoyed. my manager told me if i could fill up a table that i had free reign. she and i walked out to the table and we're looking it over and i'm telling her what i plan to do, at which point she picks up Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man and wonders out loud what it's doing there...as though in the wrong place. i blankly stare at her and say, "um, because it's written by Ralph Ellison." she said, "oh, is he black?" i took a deep breath, shook my head, and said, "oh [her name], not only is he a black author, but the book is about the invisibility of blacks in white America. yea, i'm gonna need another table."

what made it so funny was that it felt like i was being punk'd. it felt like any minute Ashton was going to come running around from the mystery section laughing. she couldn't have chosen a more glaring example of a) her ignorance and b) the necessity for black history month if it was scripted. the best part is that, in this area, white people are so proud of their liberalism that they are shamed more than most when faced with their own racism and ignorance. that was not an example of racism, but it was ignorance. no, the racism is the next story.

anyway, the way this story ends is with me and my pretty, expanded table of Blackness. i made sure i showed every manager and had them marvel at the beauty of the Blackness. oh, and i'm making my managers a list of important black authors and titles to know. for the love of Christ, it's Ralph Ellison. so, a packet is about to come their way.

now, for the racism:

there's this girl, Erica, i work with. she nice enough and she's cool...in theory. in practice, she's a bit abrasive and crude. she's white and has a mixed son. i give her props, because she doesn't do the standard "white girl with black dick" gig and try to act black. she's trying to get educated in black culture primarily to raise a strong black man. i respect that. however, sometimes she starts to fall into that "wanna be down" pitfall and i have to check her...hard. i'm very lenient with white stupidity...i'd be the angriest girl in the world if i didn't...but for all of the books and friends of color, she just does some white-ass shit. two things that black people just don't do: 1) call each other "bitch" unless earrings and nails are coming off and you're about to throw down and 2) talk about someone's mom. she does this thing where she thinks it's funny to respond to anything with, "your moms." so, when i'm talking about Paris Hilton and say, "man, if ever there was a murder victim," she --having only just arrived to the conversation-- foolishly says, "your moms." yea, i shut that shit down quick.

so, today. i couldn't find 9 copies of Cornell West's Race Matters. i looked everywhere. i looked in place it didn't even make sense to look, like biography. nothing. nowhere. i even got other people involved in my search, she was one of them. after exhausting every logical place she says, "i know this is going to seem fucked up, but did you check True Crime." yea. next she'll tell me Barak Obama looks "clean." this is why black people hate white people. i looked at her and said, "that's just ridiculous," but --as Andrea pointed out, which is true-- it shows where white people's heads still are. really? Cornell West in True Crime? because all black people are criminals? later on Erica said, "i know it was far-fetched, but i was trying to help." i responded, "it was far-fetched bordering offensive." gotta shut that shit down quick.

today has been an endurance test in stupid cracker antics. fucking Honkytown.

"make me wanna holla/the way they do my life."

final thought before bed

2007-02-12T02:42:00.000-08:00

is "just friends" such a super bad thing?

just because he doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean he's not good for me and we wouldn't make great friends. is that such a bad thing? is it possible? am i fooling myself? am i getting comfortable with the idea of just friends simply to be near him?

of course, news of my rejection is rippling throughout my family...which is awesome. i think the single best response i got was from my big head, Uncle Darryl, who said, "where's he live? i'm gonna shoot him. nobody breaks my baby's heart." that was excellent. mostly, i've gotten "he's not good enough" talk. i appreciate people talking shit about him to make me feel better, but the truth is that i'm not mad at him. i don't think he--necessarily--led me on. i think he capitalized on my affection for him, but i don't think it was malicious. so, i'm not angry with him. i'm hurt and embarrassed, but my decision to not see him again isn't about revenge or anger, it's about distance. it's self-preservation. i think his reasons for not dating me are pretty solid. i still think that we could've had something fantastic, even if it blazed fiercely for only a little while.

i can't tell you how many times people have asked me if i think he's going to call or want to "see how long it takes him" to contact me. my response to everyone is why. why would he? the ball is squarely in my court. he knows where i stand. i know where he stands. i know he wants me in his life, so it's my decision whether or not i can live with the terms. why would he contact me? to see if i'm ok? if there's one thing i hate the most, it's a hero complex. luke taught me that shit. you can not be the breaker and the builder of me. you can't be both. you can't hurt and heal me. sometimes you just have to be the bad guy. anything less gets confusing. in any case, he and i are no where near the fiasco point that was luke. so, i expect, at some point, he'll contact me, but this isn't some sort of battle of wills and i'm not staying away from him to punish him, because my decisions now are no longer about him. i've thought of little else but him for two years, now. it's me time.

i can't really see a reason we wouldn't, in the end, be friends. for whatever reason, he's good for me. yes, i love him. yes, i'll always love him. i just need to figure out a way to turn that into the way i love Felipe or David or Rec. i love those men. do i want to be with them, no. so, i just need to figure out a way of steering this guy in that direction. but, i'm not going to break him down in my eyes to make myself feel better. and, i'm not going to belittle our connection to save face. am i being almost surreally reasonable? yes. you must also understand that this is me, academically, assessing the situation. emotionally, i'm all torn up, but stuck. so, we'll see how this plays out.

all i know is that i've wasted a lot of my understanding and affection on some supremely unworthy assholes. so, this sounds like me being a chump for yet another man, but i think he's worth it. i think there are people who you are destined to know. i remember talking with this woman once and she was spouting some new age mumbo jumbo about finding people who "are part of your tribe." i think she has a point. i think there are those kindred spirit people. those people who fit. i think there are simply those people that belong to you and you to them. maybe it's the whole "birds of a feather" thing, but i think there are some people who are just fit and feel like home.

much like andrea. i have no doubt that andrea and i were destined to be friends. lately we've marveled that we didn't meet until high school seeing as how we had so many people in common growing up. it seems so unlikely in town like Columbia and her being friends with my cousins (at that time) and us being at their house all of the time growing up that we didn't meet until i was 16. i think we were always meant to meet, i just think we weren't ready for each other yet. who i was before i met before her, what i was going through when i met her, and who i ended up being are such different people. i think who i was before my high school crisis she would've hated and i would've thought she was just scary. i think the stars had to align just so for us to be as good of friends as we are now. the proof of that was our post graduation fallout. we didn't talk for 3 years, but when we finally came back together, we were still in sync...and i think that's amazing. so, she was someone who was meant to walk through life with me. hell, at this point, i can't shake her.

i said all of that to say this: he makes sense to me. i totally recognize that...well, i'm a fool--and you love me...i still love him tremendously and don't want to let him go. i also know i will if i can't sort this out. however, i will be the sorrier if i hastily cut him out of my life.

i feel like i'm writing our story. i have the title, the first couple of chapters, and i know how we'll end, i just don't know how we'll get there.

2007-02-12T01:14:00.000-08:00

remember when i had that dream about the spaghetti? well, it almost came true.

i was making chicken and broccoli alfredo last night and almost set myself on fire. in my dream, it was intentional, but last night was completely by accident. i really like thick spaghetti-- fettuccini sometimes doesn't boil evenly and few things are worse than partially cooked pasta-- so i was cooking that and one of the noodles fell out and landed on the burner. the noodle was burning and smoking up the place, but i don't notice because i was trying to dice up the chicken and work out the broccoli. next thing i knew the smoke detector was going off. i thought it was being overly sensitive and overreacting over the boiling water and the steam. i look up and realize my kitchen was quickly filling with smoke and i start to choke. i opened the windows and aired the place out, but it was completely fucked up. here i am, a few days earlier dreaming about dying by setting fire to my place with spaghetti and here i've gone and almost done it. that's fucked up.

now, if only i could hone my premonitory skills toward lottery numbers.

blood

2007-02-12T01:03:00.000-08:00

i don't think my sister likes me very much, i've decided. i mean, i know she loves me in the way that you love your family, but i don't think she likes me. we've never been each others confidante or anything, but i was sort of hoping that her pregnancy would bring us closer. i offered to photograph the progress and offered to come to VA if she wanted to do baby shower there. i don't know. i guess i assumed that being her sister and all that i'd be doing her baby shower. i thought that that's what the sister does. she said no to the pictures...which was fine, because she said she's not photogenic. i completely sympathize. i'm cute, but you'd never know it from my pics, so i respected that.

anyway, i'm talking with my mom tonight and she told me that my sister wanted to have the baby shower in STL, since most of her friends live there. i heard she might want to do that and figured it made sense, thinking her friends were throwing her party. come to find out that she's asked our sister-in-law to do it. i mean, laural and i have had our problems, but i love her just the same, so my outrage has nothing to do with her. i problem has to do with my sister. i mean, it's kind of insulting that she would ask her sister-in-law over her own sister. if it were her friend doing it, i wouldn't have a problem with it. i mean, her friends obviously know her better and, when i have a baby, my friends will be the ones to do it. however, after friends, family comes next. clearly, i rank lower than laural in zaina's book, which, quite frankly, hurts my feelings.

i thought my sister was just a little distant, but i never really took it personally, because she's like that with everyone. this...i don't know, this is different. so, i've come to the conclusion that my sister just doesn't like me. again, i know she loves me because i'm family, but i think, if she had the choice of sisters, she wouldn't choose me...and clearly didn't. i understand that i'm in MA and laural's in chicago and therefore closer to STL, but at least call me and allow me to decline, or tell me yourself. don't have me find out that i'm not going to be involved in the celebration of my own niece second hand. that's just tacky.

i'm so tired of not being wanted.

my new boyfriend

2007-02-10T17:39:00.000-08:00

now that he got rid of that albatross Alanis...we're in the love. how do i stay sane with a hollywood boyfriend? as long as i don't catch anything, his exploits don't end up in the tabloids, and i have full access we'll have no problems. that's not really a problem, because his devotion to me is legendary.

get Wayne Brady on her ass

2007-02-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

seriously, enough.

black people have enough to contend with without people like her trying to create a ridiculous divide merely to jump-start a literary career. i think my biggest problem with her is not her actual view. i think there's a bit of validity to it. true, someone who is first generation doesn't have a lot of the historical familial baggage. however, that doesn't mean that they're not black. it doesn't mean that they haven't experienced the same social and economic hardships as Black Americans. i think what unites black people is maybe 30% history. i think what really unites us is a current shared cultural experience.

my problem with her comes with not keeping that shit in-house. how we --as black people--relate to other blacks is an internal debate. to the rest of the world, it doesn't matter what your lineage is--you're just black. oh, you may have "something in you," but no one is really making a large distinction between bi-racial, sub-saharan, caribbean, etc. so why publicly try to divide and segregate your own people?

it reminds me of college. of course, everyone goes through identity issues when they hit college...no matter what color you are. i was no different. i chose to drop the bi-racial stuff and just be black. it has absolutely nothing to do with how i identify. i claim and am proud of all aspects of my heritage --i'm particularly fond of the Dutch part...it has a nice touch of irony to it-- but i made the decision for two reasons: 1) it keeps things moving. i don't want to, and shouldn't have to, divulge my entire life story just to satisfy curiosity. just being black is easier. if you want to know more, especially when i'm rockin' the curls, i'll be happy to oblige, but i'm a very private person and that keeps nonsense at bay. more importantly, 2) that's how the world sees me anyway. it's not a matter of me caving to the ignorance of the world, but if i'm going to be mistreated or stigmatized, i want the good with the bad. i'm not going to segregate myself from the main people who understand me best. plus, i dig being black. there's a culture, style, and swagger i love. there's a natural cool that comes with being black; it's in the stride of our walk and the rhythm of our talk. it's the dap we all know; the universal language everyone can see, but few can execute.

hell, why do you think so many people try to be black? tanning salons, lip injections, volumizing shampoo, and low rise jeans all strive for what? darker skin, fully lips, thicker hair, and bigger asses... all of which we have naturally.

so, she should be celebrating and respecting all aspects of our people and the many ways we are beautiful instead of trying to tear us apart. i have no idea what her other politics are and haven't read her book, so she may make total sense in a great number of other realms. however, in this one...don't make me choke a bitch.

2007-02-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

i had this dream last night that i was about to set my apartment on fire. i had put a strand of spaghetti on the burner and turned it on hi. i sat there for a minute watching the fire spread to my curtains. i went into the other room and heard my IM go off. it was Ryan. i walked over to see what he said and it read something like, "i'm so glad you're around. you're the only person who makes me feel better." or something like that. so, there i am standing in the middle of the room with my life burning down around me rethinking the whole thing. i went back into the kitchen, put the fire out, and sat down to chat.

that was really weird. i'm not suicidal...though this dream may suggest otherwise. things suck right now, but i know what the overwhelming drive to die feels like. i know what looking at a straight razor through tear blurred eyes rationalizing to yourself that nothing can hurt more than this is like. i'm not that. this sucks balls, to be sure, but even in my darkest moment i don't feel like that.

it was just a strange dream. is spaghetti even flammable?

true true

2007-02-06T10:10:00.000-08:00

black history month...get familiar

2007-02-06T03:16:00.000-08:00

Little Known Facts:

#31: the banjo originated in Africa and up until the 1800s was considered an instrument only played by blacks.

#33: Jack Johnson patented the wrench on April 18, 1922

#42: McKinley Morganfield a.k.a. "Muddy Waters" was considered the "Father of Chicago Blues" and the Rolling Stones named themselves after his 1950's song.

#48: The "306" group was a club that provided support for African-American artists during the 1940s. Founded by artists Charles Alston at 306 W.141 st in Harlem, it served as a meeting place for the likes of Langston Hughes, Jacob Lawrence, Romare Bearden, and Augusta Savage.

#56: Cathay Williams was the first and only known woman Buffalo soldier and posed as a man (Williams Cathay) to enlist in 1866.

"You can't separate peace from freedom, because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom." -Malcom X

incog-negro

2007-02-05T23:49:00.000-08:00

everyone can calm down. i'm not drowning in a bottle of Jack twiddling a straight razor. i'm fine...well, i'm not fine, but i just need to roll reclusive right now. you know my steez. i just don't have much to say, and i don't do pity.

"i won't put on my pity party dress with the special ribbon in my pity ponytail."

however, when i do resurface, i will take Massandje up on her "fuck the world, don't ask me for shit...April get your swerve on" weekend offer; but that won't be for awhile. until then....

2007-01-30T19:45:00.000-08:00

for a brief moment, i thought i didn't hurt as much as i expected. on the surface, i've been taking this well. i've been crying, sure, but it isn't the constant flow i expected. i can hold it together in public pretty well...except for my tangible sadness. i still cry when i wake up and a little when i have moments alone. all things considered, it isn't all that much. so, i was thinking that maybe i blew it all out of proportion and really didn't love him as much as i thought.

silly, silly girl.

i'm doing what i haven't done in a very long time. i'm clenching my teeth. i never clench my teeth. well, one other time. i haven't been eating, my insomnia's back, and i have constant headaches. i only just now realized what's going on. i clench my teeth only when my stress level is peaked. that's what's making my jaws tired and head ache. the loss i feel is so much bigger than a few sobs and corny poems. it's so big it's only coming out in pieces. if my body has learned anything in the past few years, it knows what the brink of my sanity looks like and how much i can take. think of it as scattered showers: they last longer than thunderstorms, but don't destroy property. if my tears were to fall like rain, it'd be a monsoon and there'd be nothing left when it was all over.

so, i clench.

this sucks so fucking much. man, i was so sure. not that i thought he'd show up at my doorstep bearing flowers and absolute devotion. i thought we'd have to work out timing and logistics, but not this. we just seemed so right for each other.

insufferable optimism

2007-01-29T12:33:00.000-08:00

it's hard to lament the tragedy of my broken heart when my girls represent proper. i drunk-typed deep in the throws of sorrow and liquor last night and broke the news. i don't do honest confessions...ever, but i went for it and it fucking failed like Bush on Foreign Policy. so, naturally, i'm devastate. my heart's desire. the only man i want. the only man i think about responded with a big, fat, Issa-esk, "NAAAAWWWWW!"

since then, ALL of my girls --every single one of them-- has contacted me in some way. that's love.

it's hard to be crushed by one man with some many beautiful women at my back.

2007-01-29T00:38:00.000-08:00

most think i drink to dull the pain, but that's not true. i drink to quiet my mind in the the still of the night. unanswerable questions and unrequited love, nothing makes the night more unbearable.

2007-01-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

And all that I've got
and all that I need
I tie in a knot
that I lay at your feet.
I have not forgot,
but a silence crept over me.

i can't stop crying.

Happy Birthday.

LOL!

2007-01-27T02:25:00.000-08:00

i love black people. i never really had much of an opinion on Rev. Al Sharpton, but this shit made me laugh. sort of the political equivalent of "don't make me come back there."

REALLY!?!

2007-01-25T00:10:00.000-08:00

i rarely watch SNL anymore, but after that "Dick in a Box" short i figured maybe they took a turn for the funny again. so glad i did. this skit had me rollin'.

Tigger

2007-01-24T00:25:00.000-08:00

that's fucked up. it doesn't help that the kid sort of looks retarded. but really, how hard can a man in a padded costume hit? how funny would it be if the guy who was in the Tigger costume slipped out of town in the middle of the night and only left a note that read:

"You know what Tiggers do best...."

joanna newsom

2007-01-23T23:49:00.000-08:00

"a mix between Bjork and Lisa Simpson."

"she sounds like Theodore gone solo."

"It's like eating something prepared by someone you love. You'll eat the meal, but you may have to endure at times."

when i first heard her, i laughed. then her song "Bridges and Balloons" got stuck in my head, but my head sang it in a better voice. i like her songs, i just wish someone else sung them. then there are times when her voice is genuinely sweet, but she'll hit a note that makes me wince. i have no overall problem with her voice...i mean, it's kinds of annoying and wouldn't date someone with it [which would be weird for a guy to have that voice in the first place]... but it's different and i can respect that. it's just those few notes that sort of ruin the experience. maybe the quality of song will trump the quality of voice.

(fingers crossed) here's to hoping.

professional crisis

2007-01-21T22:19:00.000-08:00

is cropping a photo cheating?

people keep insisting it's not, but i'm not too sure. there's this picture i took in Zagreb, Croatia of this guy ascending the stairs out into the night. i love that shot. it ranks as one of the top 10 pics of the whole trip. the problem is that on the left side, you can see a couple of people. i saw them in the shot when i took it, but i didn't want to compromise the angle and the length of the shot to cut out the people. so, i did the best i could...which was pretty good, considering you're talking about achieving a shot of one man climbing a long staircase in a mall filled with people. so, yea me.

now i see the picture and it's sort of driving me nuts. it's so close to what i want, but those people in the corner are fucking it up. so, i'm strongly considering cropping. i know it shouldn't be such a big deal, but it is. photo manipulation is such a slippery slope. when does it stop being a photograph and become CGI? i'm a purest and it took so much for me to break down and even get a digital camera. two reasons i did: 1) i don't have a flash for my manual, so i can't do night shots and, more importantly 2) i need new glasses and didn't want to risk half of my shots coming back out of focus. so, now that i have the digital, i don't want to go crazy and lose perspective.

now, admittedly, there's manipulation with film, too. i don't know why that's different to me. i guess because there's skill involved with the darkroom that's lost in the comfort of your home. no picture matters more than one that took you 2 hours to develop. you appreciate the work and the art more when you have to toil; it's the old adage of suffering for your art. where's the challenge if, when you decide to magnify the right corner to isolate the subject, it doesn't turn out right and you can just hit the "undo" button? i guess my problem comes from a lack of respect for digital photo. it's such a pussy avenue to photography; a camera that focuses for you and no film develop. it cheapens the art process of film. you appreciate a good shot when you've had to burn and dodge the hell out of it to maximize your grey scale. it's like raising a child and adopting a teenager. sure you love them both, but one you nurtured and cultivated into this person and is the fruit of your labor...unless they're a delinquent and then you blame their father. still, you catch my drift.

there's a connection between you and your photos when you've blindly --in a light sealed room--wound your film onto the spindle and proceed to spend the next hour hovered over a sink testing the temp. of the water, agitating the developer, timing your stop bath, adding the fixer, doing final washes and then hanging your negative to dry. all of that and you haven't even seen any of your images, yet. once you finally walk out of the darkroom with your photo, you've loved this thing to life. that doesn't happen with digital. digital photography is essentially a transfer of files.

maybe i need to find a way to respect digital photography and just accept it as a different beast. i mean, is Rachel Ray less of a chef than Julia Child because she uses the microwave? some may say so. i don't know...i'm still learning my damn self.

all i know is that i like truth in art and there're too many ways to lie with digital.

the gift that keeps on giving

2007-01-18T18:31:00.000-08:00

tied up in knots

2007-01-18T01:05:00.000-08:00

i'm a hot mess. my head is about to explode. either that or my heart is going to violently extract itself from my body through my throat. i sent this guy, my heart's desire, a letter from overseas about three weeks ago confessing my undying devotion and love. yes, it was a bit of a bitch move to do it while i was away and thus suffer no immediate heartache, but clearly after a year and a half of not saying anything close to what i really meant, i wasn't going to do it whilst in the US. so, i took the opportunity of that wonderful combination of clarity and distance to say what i'd been petrified and dying to say. now, i have the distinctly unenviable job of waiting.

the problem is that i'm a girl and the worst thing you can do is leave a girl alone with her mind.

i haven't heard anything. the problem with that is that, at this point, it's not uncommon. he's in a self-imposed exile and handling his B.I. and thus our regular communication has been interrupted. i'm respecting his gangsta, so i haven't clicked on him for it, though i miss him so. the problem is that since i haven't been in regular contact lately, his silence could mean everything or nothing at all. and i, in one of my more stunningly brilliant moments, was so proud of myself for having written and mailed the letter that i forgot to ask how long mail takes to get to the US from Slovenia. so, i have no idea of its ETA or if he even got it. it's not exactly uncommon for international mail to get lost.

so, as you can imagine, i'm freaking out while trying not to lose my cool. that is a tight rope to walk, my friend.

i don't regret doing it. never that. i would've eventually ruined our friendship if i hadn't. of course, i may have merely accelerated the dissolution process by doing this, but better it be honest, quick, and deliberate than passive-aggressive, interminable, and excruciating. ideally, he would profess his eternal love for me and coyly ask what took me so long, but he's a complicated man and unpredictable, at best. so, there's just no way to know until i *know.* honestly, i've been avoiding my mailbox in case there's a "sorry fo' ya" letter inside.

all i know is that i'm quietly going crazy...ier. whatever happens next means we'll either be making out or i'll never see him again. that may seem a little harsh and abrupt, but that's how i roll. i'll never be able to get over him if he's in my life...though, honestly, the idea of never seeing him again made my soul sink, so i may rethink that... it's not just that i want to make out with him. it's not just that it think he's beautiful and has an amazing heart. it's that i can't even think about wanting anyone else. he's all that occupies my mind. other guys, if they enter my mind at all, are mere distractions from him. so, if i can't have him, then i can't have him around, because all i want is him. it's the unfortunate side effect of loving too much.

now, i'm on pins and needles because i either get the one thing i want most or lost the one person whom i care for the most.

no wonder i've recently lost my appetite and have trouble sleeping...and i kinda want to vomit.

prince of vegas

2007-01-17T01:42:00.000-08:00

i was checking out prices for Prince tickets and that man must've lost his goddamn mind. he's playing in Vegas for the next two months and has 13 shows between Jan. 19-Feb. 24. you will never guess the price per ticket...$1500. what?! that nigga done lost his muthfucking mind.

all i know is that for $1500 halfway through the show that man better serenade me with Adore, come down off stage, fuck me sideways, and make me come three times all without missing a single note.

$1500...apparently that's the price for a glass of his own Kool-Aid.

wow.

2007-01-16T23:22:00.000-08:00

"Date safer, date smarter. We screen for marrieds and felons. Find love now."

wow. that's good of them.

it reminds me of this project i'm working on. for the cover i've been collecting the "xtreme" dating section of the Valley Advocate and-- let me tell you-- there are some fucked up people out there. my favorite are the bondage ads. hey, i'm not knocking the hustle, i can get down with a little handcuff action myself and dig a nice slap on the ass. what i find scary is actively seeking strangers to tie you and be tied by you in unfamiliar locations. if, in the course of your relationship, you discover that you both are into the tie-me-up-tie-me-down bit, i'm all for it. however, answering anonymous ads that call for you to go to someone's house with the expressed purpose of resigning control of your freedom and mobility sort of worries me. that's how carpet wrapped bodies found in the local dump happen.

but what do i know? maybe seeing if you make it out alive is part of the thrill.

maybe i'm totally paranoid.

2007-01-15T00:21:00.000-08:00

i don't hunger for adventure. i'm fine with Missouri. Meth addicts are the craziest people around. -Andrea

"every government degenerates when trusted to the rulers of the people alone."--Thomas Jefferson

2007-01-11T23:45:00.000-08:00

on Bush's new Iraq plan:

"A tragic mistake." Delaware Sen. Joe Biden

A "fool's paradise." Connecticut Sen. Chris Dodd

"The most dangerous foreign policy blunder in this country since Vietnam." Nebraska Sen. Chuck Hagel

"This is the craziest, dumbest plan I've ever seen or heard of in my life," Hawaii Rep. Neil Abercrombie

i have a question: when the president has acted (and continues to act) in direct opposition to the will of the American people --whom he serves-- who have explicitly and politically told him what they want, at what point do the impeachment proceedings begin?

"...impeachment must be both at the ready and readily employed--not for the simple settling of scores, not for political gain, but for the defense of freedoms that are ever in the balance." -- John Nichols "The Genius of Impeachment: The Founders' Cure for Royalism"

hi-larious

2007-01-11T14:19:00.000-08:00

"I'm the best there is. Plain and simple, when I wake up in the morning I piss excellence."

"The room's startin' to spin...'cause of the gayness."

Few things are harder than stifling raucous laughter on an airplane. I had to pause the cougar scene just to breathe.

i'm out!

2006-12-18T05:40:00.000-08:00

well, i leave for europe tomorrow. we're heading out around 11am to drive to boston for a 5pm flight. i think we'll have enough time, but you never know what's fallen apart with the big dig. so, we're not taking any chances. i still haven't packed and i have to do my hair, this is going to be short.

i'm so excited everything around me feels surreal. i think that's why i love photography. even if something doesn't feel real at the time or there's too much going on to focus and commit each moment to memory, i can capture that moment on film. this time tomorrow we'll be in paris. crazy.

sound advice

2006-12-12T00:01:00.000-08:00

"don't internalize his fucked up mentality. believing his view of you is like looking at yourself through the eyes of a crazy person."

i was on the phone tonight with a friend of mine and she was asking my advice on meeting this guy --i'm so much better at dishing out advice than taking it. her last boyfriend was such a mindfuck for her. he was this pseudo-pious christian guy who would sleep with her, but then feel guilty about it later. naturally, she was concerned about repeating history with this new guy who is active in his church and i was trying to convince her to go for it. seriously, all it takes is for one supremely fucked up guy to ruin it for the rest of them. i mean, what is she supposed to do with that? here's your boyfriend who is forever feeling the need to repent for being with you. sort of starts to make you feel a little dirty and undesirable. i tried to tell her to not compare this new guy with her last, but, of course, that's impossible. she'll do it. she has to. it's natural. she's internalized his shame, which may have been at himself for being weak to the flesh, but it only looks like being ashamed of her.

i'm rather familiar with that feeling, unfortunately. my last boyfriend may have been the worst relationship i've ever had. not that the actual relationship was bad, but it was that he was not a very good person to me. that's what i get for dating a "nice" guy. fuck that. give me my assholes any day of the week. i generally only date assholes. not that i like the abuse, but at least they're honest. this guy was so Dudley Do-Right that he denied his own feelings for some mythical greater good. not that he had some great love for me --he didn't-- but had he been honest with himself and other people he would have made out better in the end, and i wouldn't have walked away from the situation scraping off the pond scum that oozed from his mouth.

he also had a Hero Complex, which is my favorite. it's that obnoxious need to be everyone's hero and never bearing to be the bad guy. the fact is that we are all bad guys to somebody, some more than others. so, there he is on the one hand making me feel increasingly filthy and unloved, while simultaneously --not being able to stand to see me in such pain-- telling me how wonderful i am. you can't have it both ways. that tends to do a number on a girl's heart and ego. which do you believe? that you're easily discarded or that you're incredible?

neither. you block the whole thing out because he's a liar. he's lying about being easily discarded and about being incredible. he rules both of the out simply by being there.

it's taken me the better part of a year to come to grips with the fact that he's crazy. it's not just that it makes me feel better --which it does--but it's true... and i'm not in the habit of listening to crazy talk.

it's a shame, too, because until him i never felt unworthy. guys come and go for various reasons and you learn to live with it and take each situation for what it is. after him, because i let my guard so far down and honestly believed that he wouldn't intentionally hurt me, i set myself up for the greatest fall. i understand that his lies were spinning out of control and he was trying to save himself, but to hear someone actively deny ever being with you is tough to take. it makes you feel...well, worthless. to look at a guy and to automatically assume that there's no way he'd like you is rough. but it wasn't just that, it was not that someone wouldn't like me, it was the feeling that they would be repulsed by me. that for one moment they'd be too drunk to know better, sleep with you, and spend the rest of the life blocking it out. i mean, i have my flaws, but i'm not a dog. there's no reason --especially considering my past conquests-- that i should think that about myself. that's what he thinks of me and as we have just discovered, he's crazy.

so, i hope my friend can get past her ex and not cut herself off from what could very well be a smart match. she deserves to have someone love her and treat her kindly and with respect.

i hope i can do the same.

Europa!

2006-12-04T00:59:00.000-08:00

two weeks and counting. now that the tickets and the car are secured, i'm starting to get psyched about this trip. today i'm booking the hotels and tomorrow i'm getting my digital camera...i hope. ebay's a fickle little thing, you know. the auctions ends tomorrow, so we'll see.

i cut out of work early today to do this. there was not much for me to do and i have sick time, so.... my dad had a some great ideas for places to saty. we're driving, but it's a good idea to have a couple of hotels in place for a couple of stays. i know where i want to go, but didn't put that much input in it. even though this is "our" trip and i am doing all of the leg work, i still don't really feel like i have a whole lot of say. it's crazy, because i do, i just lack confidence. although, i did manage to sway him away from Bonsia and Serbia for the more safe and less ruined Hungary and a castle tour. so, that's cool. he had a couple of cool ideas for stops. well, we're spending the first two nights in Paris. partially to check the place out, but also to relax and plot our course. then we're going to spend Christmas in Rome --which is fucking amazing. what better place?-- and New Years in Vienna.

so, i have to book some hotels. i want to find a place in Rome that's close to Vatican city, so we can just walk there. what do they do for Christmas? just mass? i don't know, but it's going to be dope.

i'm starting to get giddy.

love

2006-11-18T23:56:00.000-08:00

my brother just flew in from Spain for Thanxgiving tonight. i called him at my mom's. before he picked up the phone, i could already hear him say hello. there's this sort of breathiness in his voice when he talks on the phone. the one thing that i love most about him that few others get away with is his nicknames. being the oldest brother gives him special privileges when it comes to me. it's the kind of thing where everytime he calls me...uh, a nickname, it's sort of code for "i'll always look out for you." i love it. i like feeling protected like that. i think there are so many times in so many days that i feel completely exposed.

all of my siblings have my back, i know. i think 'Tief most actively and constantly has my back, but with Sim, it reminds me of a couple of times where i was too young, too hurt, and too girl to know what was going on and he looked out for me. i remember one time, right after my boyfriend died, i had no bearings on life itself and a friend of his who had always liked me thought that that was the perfect opportunity...seeing as how i was single and all...to make his move. anyway, the guy and i were in my room and Sim would knock on the door when --i shit you not--it "got too quiet" in there for his liking.

anyway, i called him tonight and he kept falling asleep on the phone. he'd been traveling for 15 hours, but wanted to humor me. so, he kept trying to stay awake, but then i'd hear these long pauses and i'd say, "Aasim. Aasim. Aasim." then he'd respond and try to recap the conversation to show he was listening. it was cute. eventually, i had him give the phone to mom. you gotta let people off the hook, ya know. i'm definitely taken care of by the men in my life --Shawn included, which is why i loved him so much...which is also why i have trouble finding a boyfriend. high standards. i don't need to be coddled, but i need a security blanket. the thing with knowing you have people there for you means you don't have to be so cautious. not that you should constantly fuck up because you know there are people who'll clean up your mess, but it makes life a little freer. knowing you have the safety net is everything.

i have a lot of friends who are only children and they're fine. i know that being an only child is their reality so it's not that big of a deal. i just couldn't imagine my life without my brothers and sister. there's something comforting about knowing that there is, at least, one place on earth where people get your jokes and love you anyway.

for instance:
i was talking with Atief tonight about Ghostbusters. the conversation went a-little sumthin' like this:

me: i'm watching Ghostbusters and everytime i see these special effects all i hear is "beep-beep-beep-beep," because they're off the hook.

Atief: (laughs)wow. wait. man that was wack, but it was funny.

me: oh, good. yea, i was hoping that it'd do a little turn around.

Atief: did you just make that up?

me: yea, i just thought of it and decided to try it out on you.

Atief: nice.

see, with siblings, you're never in danger of losing cool points...you never had those bitches to begin with.

on Fred Durst

2006-11-16T15:11:00.000-08:00

andrea: who said he could act?
me: his creditors.

dreams

2006-11-03T16:55:00.000-08:00

the past two nights i've had the most realistic and involved dreams.

two nights ago i dreamed about Josh Primm. oh, Josh, how i love thee. that man will forever embody "beautiful man" to me...as i'm certain he does with a whole wealth of women. though, i love his so, i don't dream about him very often. i, honestly, don't think about him very often unless the topic of beautiful men comes up --or i'm with Sarah-phim--so it was a little odd to have an entire dream wrapped around him...and with no sex. what's that about? we were all "in love" in a "relationship." what a waste of a dream. that's great. i spend an entire night feeling emotionally connected to a man i haven't seen in a solid decade. damn. man, look, that's what the realm of dreams is for. if i can't have hot, kinky, NC-17 sex with him there --since i have no idea where he is in waking life-- where can i?

the dream last night was way less hot...seeing as how it starred my brother. Atief and i are in an auditorium and we're taking a test. the fucked up thing is that test was, apparently, important to me-- since i was stressing the fuck out-- but the question was to name 14 Ja Rule songs and i only came up with 2. what sucked is that everyone around me was getting up and leaving and milling about, and i still couldn't get past "Put It On Me." so, 'Tief's there and he's getting in some fight with a bunch of people and this girl. so, the girl calls to me to back my brother off. i get up there and get right in her face. i'm all up in her grill asking her what she thought was going to happen. did she think i wasn't going to have his back? she and her crew leave and i'm left trying to come up with some damn Ja Rule/ Ashanti duet. what makes that dream so strange is that neither Atief nor i are fighters. i may be more willing to fight than he is, and i'm certain we've both had a couple, but we're not the all-up-in-your-face type. and a test about Ja Rule songs? man, i should've been embarrassed if i could come up with 14. i would've passed that test, but i would've failed the cool test.

boundries

2006-11-03T16:39:00.000-08:00

where is the line between ignorance and IM-speak?

for instance, is this anyway to approach a girl online?

"Was Looking by and found ur Beautiful and awesome Profile and decided to Holla U to see maybe we have nice things to talk about.I'll Like to herabackfrom U."

i don't know. maybe it is. it's a combination of the inappropriate use of capitals and the writing out of "awesome," but the use of the "U."

the other one i got was this guy and, aside from Laffy Taffy being the song on his profile which turned out to be the least of his problems, he spelled "many" "meany." i checked to see if he was from a different country, and he wasn't. maybe i'm being too critical. maybe i'm just a bitch.

or maybe, i'm appropriately selective. yea, i like that better.

lost boys

2006-10-07T02:27:00.000-07:00

i just got in from a midnight showing of Lost Boys and had the best time. admittedly, i had to take a nap to be alert for a movie that started at midnight, but it was cool. i haven't seen that movie in forever. i actually can't remember the last time i saw it. so, i was surprised that i remembered parts of it. when i was getting ready, i was in the shower and all that kept running through my head was the main song that goes, "Thou shalt not kill." yea, excellent. i forgot how much i liked that movie. the funny thing is that i don't like the movie for the same reason most girls my age like it, a.k.a. The Coreys. nope, i always liked the movie because of the dog's name. i know. i'm a weird girl. i just really like the name Nanook. oh, and Jami Gertz's hair. there, i said it.

let this be a lesson to me: always nap before a midnight movie.

the last one i went to and didn't nap was The Princess Bride. i lurve that movie. i slept through that movie. the shameful thing is that i know it so well that i kept waking up at the parts i liked. my first time seeing it on the big screen and i was being Nana.

Fee Fee

2006-10-03T01:21:00.000-07:00

i was talking to Andrea tonight and she was telling me that her niece's dad's new girlfriend's name is Fee Fee. she laughed and said she couldn't take it seriously once she found out what a Fee Fee was. she asked me if i knew and i said no.

then she said, " i had heard from some prison inmates what a Fee Fee was."

that shit had me laughing so hard she made me drool on myself. no good can come from any story that starts like that. like tah hear it? here goes...ah ha-a-a...thank you very much!

ingredients:

zip lock bag or commissary bag
toilet paper roll or two
old sock
lotion

directions:
1. put the two toilet paper rolls together...unless you're white, then you just need one

2. put the plastic bag inside toilet paper roll

3. put the sock on the outside to create some warmth

4. put some lotion on the inside

tah-dah! you've got yourself a Fee Fee.

"ooh, simulation bah-gina."

if pranking is wrong, i don't want to be right

2006-10-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

Massandje missed my birthday, two weeks ago, and has yet to call me. this, surprisingly, didn't bother me all that much. it would've been nice, but it's not like she hasn't been incog-negro for a hot minute anyway.

yesterday, Cuz called me and wanted me to come down and hang out. it's only an hour away, but i wasn't really feeling the drive. i also wasn't feeling sitting at home, bored. so, i was on the fence. then i found out that Massandje was coming up from the NYC, yo, to watch Saacie's team play in the soccer finals. my first reaction to news that she was resurfacing was that i had to come down and bum rush her. go up and be like, "yo! how you doin'...Ma-SSAWN-dje." i had to give her a hard time. luckily for me, i decided the day before that i wanted a birthday cake...even if i had to make it myself. i had just made this cake that was partially eaten. so, i worked up a plan.

before i left, i made sure that my hair was done up in a cute style and i was decked out in jewelry. i packed my bridesmaid's dress from last year, some heels, a coat, and the cake. the plan was to be the stood up birthday girl left alone to pick at her cake. i told Cuz what i was doing and we worked it out.

i got dressed and ready and then Cuz and i went out to the liquor store. when we got back, Massandje was there. so, Cuz walked in and went directly to the backyard and unlocked the gate to let me in. i snuck up on the porch and sat in the furthest chair in the corner. i sat there in my red satin dress with my coat on --nothing represents "party done" like someone sitting outside in their dress and coat or it could've represented my cold fury, either way-- holding my cake on my lap. Cuz lit some candles so you could see me, but not too well.

once we were all set, Cuz called Massandje out to the porch, in the way that she didn't want to argue in front of Isaac. so, Massandje comes out and i started singing, "happy birthday to me," in this dejected, choked up voice. the best part is that i was cracking myself up, but didn't want to laugh, so i was holding it in, but it was so funny that i started crying...which only helped. so, there i am, all decked out and cute, picking my chocolate birthday cake, crying, singing pathetically in the corner of a darkened porch.

it was hysterical.

the best part was that Massandje didn't realize that they were tears of laughter and really thought i was crying. then she starts laughing and comes over to me to give me a hug. not breaking character, i slap her hand away and --shamelessly--start screaming at her not to touch me. this gets Cuz busting out laughing. i'm yelling so loud that you can hear it echoing in the neighborhood. i yell that she doesn't care and wasn't there for me, all the while crying. it was a thing of beauty. especially my "Goofy-falling-off-a-cliff" wail i do.

oh, Christ it was funny. Lord-a mercy.

pissing the day away

2006-09-22T17:51:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning at 9, when Sarah called me, and have been up ever since. it's 5:43pm and i haven't taken a shower. i haven't gone outside. all i've had to eat was some cinnamon graham crackers and peanut butter for breakfast and white cheddar popcorn for lunch. what's kept me preoccupied all day long...well, it may be more of a "what the hell did you do with your day"...you ask?

one word: iPod.

it took me forever to figure out why i wasn't able to download iTunes onto my computer, so that took a hot minute. then came the music. on various hard drives i, easily, have 40 gigs of music. anything you can imagine, i have. some of it's my own. some if it's stuff that other people have downloaded. a good amount of it i have out of sheer laziness. i go through these phases and am too lazy to redownload stuff, so i just keep it. i think if it was on the radio in the 80's, i have it.

i have shit i don't even like. i have everything from bluegrass to classical. plus, just in the last few years, living up here, i've gotten into a lot of indie bands. the thing about indie music is that everyone has a fucking band. that's all well and good for the little man to get a shot, but shit it takes up space. it also takes me a minute to get into certain groups. for instance, i've had Built to Spill for about a year. it wasn't until a couple of months ago that i really got into them. when i first heard them, i wasn't digging it. now? now, i have 4 albums and counting. i'm ravenous with it. which brings up another suck part of indie groups, since they've been around and underground forever, they have a shit load of albums. my god. Death Cab alone has about 6. so, i not only have to have the current music, but there's a backlog to delve into.

so, 3.9 Gb and 900 songs later, i still haven't put on my 80's shit or most of hip-hop or classical. 900 songs is just the beginning. how cool is the fall going to be laying on a blanket, sun worshipping with a cool breeze washing over me, and listening to every album A-Ha ever made?

i'm never going to have to pack another CD again!

all of this and we haven't even begun the dvd route.

nice.

29

2006-09-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

it turns out that turning 29 has been very uneventful.

well, that's not fair, my family fucking represented! my dad called, of course. my aunt emailed. both my mom and uncle sang extended version of "happy birthday" to me. Darryl did a more tradional one, while my mom work out a scat remix. Zaina called. Aasim left a message on MySpace, as did my nephews. Atief, oh Atief, Niefy bought me a fucking iPod. 30 fucking gigs of whatever my heart desires. this shit's gonna come in real handy in Europe, because --lawd-a mercy--my father can talk. excellent. i just got it today. that's what's up. so, the fam was solid.

my friends, however, were a little less than forthcoming with the birthday wishes. i still haven't talked to Massandje. i didn't end up going to NYC or doing much of anything, really, because no one could make plans because she never called me back. i know she's working a lot and everything, but damn. so, my plans were thwarted on account of that. Denise didn't call. i did talk to her a few days before...and truth be told, i'm not to hurt. after my little trip home, i'm still a bit burnt out on her. i think the biggest disappointment was another friend of mine. i realize he's intentionally M.I.A., but it just really sucked. i miss him and, understandable, don't talk to him as much as i used to and i was hoping he'd peek his head for just a second for me. such was not the case. i can't say that i'm surprised, but i am sad.

enough about the blughs, though. i did have a number of friendly good looks. Cathy called and left the cutest message with her gang of kids saying hi. it was kinda long, because the 2 yr olds needed a little coaxing. Sarah-phim emailed. Siri called. Marco, of course, came through and is even working out a party for me next week. hell, even Ryan called, and he got my birthday from MySpace. the one person that made it all the more fun: Cuz. that's why Erica's my cuz. she convinced me to come down to the Elm and hang out with her. i did. it was a good look. it was really nice to have some concentrated time with her, too. i went down Sat. night and we went to this cute little place called Chow and had dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and listened to live music. then, we walked around for awhile and clucked on people at the "i'm so drunk" bars. sometime around 11pm, we made a fat-girl run to Walgreens for some ice cream and hung out watching movies and acting a fool. the next morning we went to brunch and shopped a bit.

it was really nice. i haven't hung out with Cuz like that in forever. so, it wasn't that my birthday was a bust. aside from not being true, it would be disprespectful to the love Cuz showed me. it just wasn't my crew and the drunken clubbing in NYC i've grown acustomed to. then again, a little change of pace never hurt nobody.

i am, however, cashing in for next year. when i turn 30, the whole world better represent.

2006-09-21T17:04:00.000-07:00

i was reading this aritcle and the best part was, aside from the constipated look on his face, was the "Filed Under" part. excellent.

blugh. as though hip-hop doesn't have enough problems.

K-Fed to Die in 2032

Posted Sep 18th 2006 7:23PM by TMZ Staff
Filed under: Train Wrecks, Music, Britney and Kevin

destination spotlight

2006-09-18T07:44:00.000-07:00

Hartford
The unattractive modern capital of Connecticut, HARTFORD , on the Connecticut River, is also the insurance center of the United States. Its central gold-domed state capitol , sitting on a hill in Bushnell Park, houses a small museum of ….

what a strange way to promote a city. not that it's not true, it's just curious.

sleepy baby

2006-09-12T04:00:00.000-07:00

i came home from work around 5pm and was really tired. i was up until 3am and was up by 7am, so i wasn't working off of a lot of sleep. so, i get home and decided to take a nap. that was around 6pm. i figured i'd sleep for a couple of hours and then get up and make dinner and do laundry.

right. my ass woke up at 1:30am. ain't that some shit? i was smooth knocked the fuck out for 7.5 hours. i didn't take a nap. i took my ass to bed. the bad thing is that it's a quarter to 4 and i'm yawning and about to get back in bed. actually, as i was sitting down to write this blog, i looked longingly over at my bed. it's not just that it's an amazingly comfortable bed. although i must confess, my friend has the most comfortable bed i've ever slept on. mine is pretty damn close, though. the way it looks right now is beckoning me to return. my pillows are at just the right position and the covers are thrown back in a way that one motion will perfectly coat my body in fluffy warmth.

the beautiful thing is that i don't have to be at work until 11am. so, i can sleep another 6 hours. man, i had no idea i was so tired. isn't that funny? how do you not know? i knew i could "go for a nap," but i had no clue i'd pass out like that. it reminds me of Vegas. i tend to fight sleep like a toddler. i don't know why, i just do. whenever i get like this and i'm thinking, "i'm not really tired," i hear his voice saying, "yes. you are." at the time, i would protest. then, of course, as soon as the lights were off, i'd pass the fuck out. tonight, however is not that kind of night. i openly admit that i could easily sleep another 10 hours. i'm just beat. on that note, i bid you goodnight...or morning, as it were.

twilight zone

2006-09-06T00:17:00.000-07:00

me: do you know which rapper i turn off as soon as i hear his voice?

atief: who? no, wait, let me guess. ah, there are just so many who fit that profile. nelly. paul wall. lil' wayne.

me: he's well established. i mean, well established.

atief: ll cool j?

me: nah. he's more r&b now. he used to be rap, but he killed that shit.

atief: um....

me: i'll throw you two life lines. you can either pick a coast or a movie.

atief: a coast.

me: west.

atief: [laughing] oooh, yea.

me: the movie was Soul Plane.

atief: [laughing]

me: everytime i hear him, i'm like, "he ain't talking about nothing."

atief: i know! and he's so corny. he's a corny pimp.

me: he fucking "crackerized" pimpin'.

atief: i mean, does he ever leave the players ball? it's like a twilight zone episode.

me: [laugh] he walks out the door and into another party. you have now entered...the Negro Zone.

atief:" s-n-double o- p can't leave."

me: [raucous laughter]

atief: "i'm trappedizzle in this spizzle."

2006-09-05T00:14:00.000-07:00

Hilton has a new slogan: "Travel should take you places."

what a stupid line. of course travel takes me places or else i'd be at fucking home. besides, it's not like Hilton has anything to do with my mobility. they just need to be wherever i go. that's like Burger King coming out with, "Eating makes you full." that's not advertising. that's a statement of fact.

for your viewing pleasure

2006-09-04T01:51:00.000-07:00

enjoy.