heh-row mojo
well, sleep won last night. i was knocked the fuck out by 11pm. i woke up this morning around 7, when Cuz woke up. i don't normally sleep with people, so i'm really sensitive when there's movement next to me. although, it was funny, i woke up in the middle of the night to Cuz hemming me up. yea, i haven't let someone stay over in a long time. the truth is the guys i've been with, especially my last boyfriend...just, no. i'm very particular about my bed. actually, most guys don't even make it to my room. aren't i fucked up? i won't let guys even lay on my bed. aside from my girls, only my brother and Vegas have ever been on my bed. there's something intimate and personal about my bed...as it should be.
when i first moved here, i hooked up with a friend of mine. well, he was the crew ho, and i guess it was my turn. the cool thing about him is that you could bang him and then chill out with him later that day. the first time we were together he tried to stay over. yea, i woke his ass up and took him home at, like 5 in the morning. that was a couple of years ago, when i had some serious intimacy issues. i was in a really fucked up head space then. maybe it was then i decided to not let guys in my bed. oh, we can have a field day in the living room, kitchen, you name it. bedroom? well, that's a different story. granted, i've given up my hoeish ways. so, the days of indiscriminant fucking are over, but there's a certain sanctity of the bed.
i was talking to Cuz about this man i lurve, and she was making fun of me for being shook. she looked at me and said, "Cuz, have you lost your mojo?" i laughed and exclaimed, "I know, right!" i used to have a serious harem of men. i would put dudes on pause and get back to them when i wanted to. i always had back up. now, not so much. i think a few things changed in me. first of all, i grew up and realized you can't have a healthy relationship with anyone with one foot out the door. secondly, i live on the Hellmouth. you'd think with all of those colleges and the sheer number of men around that there'd be options galore. the dudes i've met have been jokes...or into white girls. i'm a bit of a challenge. i'm not a causal fuck. most guys, i've found, aren't into clocking in the hours, so fuck that. i yield one hell of a return, but you have to put in the work. thirdly, many of the men i've met are severely lacking in character. not just personality, i'm taking about strength of character and conviction. they're a bunch of craven pussies. there can only be one pussy in my relationships. finally, i just refilled my emotional reservoir; i'm not going to deplete it slowly on fools. we'll call the last 5 years...emotionally anarchic. i finally feel centered. i finally feel efficacious. there's no way i'm going to blow that on random fools who, in the end, aren't worth...me. besides, i want to be with someone who will actually replenish it as they draw from it.
i want to enter into a relationship with all of the exuberance and fervor of a teenager. that kind of relationship that you pour yourself into without hesitation. i want to love like i've never been hurt before. i know i'll never be able to achieve exactly that, but my wounds don't have to be so oppressive and prominent.
for all of that, i'm willing to wait.
when i first moved here, i hooked up with a friend of mine. well, he was the crew ho, and i guess it was my turn. the cool thing about him is that you could bang him and then chill out with him later that day. the first time we were together he tried to stay over. yea, i woke his ass up and took him home at, like 5 in the morning. that was a couple of years ago, when i had some serious intimacy issues. i was in a really fucked up head space then. maybe it was then i decided to not let guys in my bed. oh, we can have a field day in the living room, kitchen, you name it. bedroom? well, that's a different story. granted, i've given up my hoeish ways. so, the days of indiscriminant fucking are over, but there's a certain sanctity of the bed.
i was talking to Cuz about this man i lurve, and she was making fun of me for being shook. she looked at me and said, "Cuz, have you lost your mojo?" i laughed and exclaimed, "I know, right!" i used to have a serious harem of men. i would put dudes on pause and get back to them when i wanted to. i always had back up. now, not so much. i think a few things changed in me. first of all, i grew up and realized you can't have a healthy relationship with anyone with one foot out the door. secondly, i live on the Hellmouth. you'd think with all of those colleges and the sheer number of men around that there'd be options galore. the dudes i've met have been jokes...or into white girls. i'm a bit of a challenge. i'm not a causal fuck. most guys, i've found, aren't into clocking in the hours, so fuck that. i yield one hell of a return, but you have to put in the work. thirdly, many of the men i've met are severely lacking in character. not just personality, i'm taking about strength of character and conviction. they're a bunch of craven pussies. there can only be one pussy in my relationships. finally, i just refilled my emotional reservoir; i'm not going to deplete it slowly on fools. we'll call the last 5 years...emotionally anarchic. i finally feel centered. i finally feel efficacious. there's no way i'm going to blow that on random fools who, in the end, aren't worth...me. besides, i want to be with someone who will actually replenish it as they draw from it.
i want to enter into a relationship with all of the exuberance and fervor of a teenager. that kind of relationship that you pour yourself into without hesitation. i want to love like i've never been hurt before. i know i'll never be able to achieve exactly that, but my wounds don't have to be so oppressive and prominent.
for all of that, i'm willing to wait.
posted by badassed at
8:46 AM
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