for a brief moment, i thought i didn't hurt as much as i expected. on the surface, i've been taking this well. i've been crying, sure, but it isn't the constant flow i expected. i can hold it together in public pretty well...except for my tangible sadness. i still cry when i wake up and a little when i have moments alone. all things considered, it isn't all that much. so, i was thinking that maybe i blew it all out of proportion and really didn't love him as much as i thought.

silly, silly girl.

i'm doing what i haven't done in a very long time. i'm clenching my teeth. i never clench my teeth. well, one other time. i haven't been eating, my insomnia's back, and i have constant headaches. i only just now realized what's going on. i clench my teeth only when my stress level is peaked. that's what's making my jaws tired and head ache. the loss i feel is so much bigger than a few sobs and corny poems. it's so big it's only coming out in pieces. if my body has learned anything in the past few years, it knows what the brink of my sanity looks like and how much i can take. think of it as scattered showers: they last longer than thunderstorms, but don't destroy property. if my tears were to fall like rain, it'd be a monsoon and there'd be nothing left when it was all over.

so, i clench.

this sucks so fucking much. man, i was so sure. not that i thought he'd show up at my doorstep bearing flowers and absolute devotion. i thought we'd have to work out timing and logistics, but not this. we just seemed so right for each other.