tied up in knots
i'm a hot mess. my head is about to explode. either that or my heart is going to violently extract itself from my body through my throat. i sent this guy, my heart's desire, a letter from overseas about three weeks ago confessing my undying devotion and love. yes, it was a bit of a bitch move to do it while i was away and thus suffer no immediate heartache, but clearly after a year and a half of not saying anything close to what i really meant, i wasn't going to do it whilst in the US. so, i took the opportunity of that wonderful combination of clarity and distance to say what i'd been petrified and dying to say. now, i have the distinctly unenviable job of waiting.
the problem is that i'm a girl and the worst thing you can do is leave a girl alone with her mind.
i haven't heard anything. the problem with that is that, at this point, it's not uncommon. he's in a self-imposed exile and handling his B.I. and thus our regular communication has been interrupted. i'm respecting his gangsta, so i haven't clicked on him for it, though i miss him so. the problem is that since i haven't been in regular contact lately, his silence could mean everything or nothing at all. and i, in one of my more stunningly brilliant moments, was so proud of myself for having written and mailed the letter that i forgot to ask how long mail takes to get to the US from Slovenia. so, i have no idea of its ETA or if he even got it. it's not exactly uncommon for international mail to get lost.
so, as you can imagine, i'm freaking out while trying not to lose my cool. that is a tight rope to walk, my friend.
i don't regret doing it. never that. i would've eventually ruined our friendship if i hadn't. of course, i may have merely accelerated the dissolution process by doing this, but better it be honest, quick, and deliberate than passive-aggressive, interminable, and excruciating. ideally, he would profess his eternal love for me and coyly ask what took me so long, but he's a complicated man and unpredictable, at best. so, there's just no way to know until i *know.* honestly, i've been avoiding my mailbox in case there's a "sorry fo' ya" letter inside.
all i know is that i'm quietly going crazy...ier. whatever happens next means we'll either be making out or i'll never see him again. that may seem a little harsh and abrupt, but that's how i roll. i'll never be able to get over him if he's in my life...though, honestly, the idea of never seeing him again made my soul sink, so i may rethink that... it's not just that i want to make out with him. it's not just that it think he's beautiful and has an amazing heart. it's that i can't even think about wanting anyone else. he's all that occupies my mind. other guys, if they enter my mind at all, are mere distractions from him. so, if i can't have him, then i can't have him around, because all i want is him. it's the unfortunate side effect of loving too much.
now, i'm on pins and needles because i either get the one thing i want most or lost the one person whom i care for the most.
no wonder i've recently lost my appetite and have trouble sleeping...and i kinda want to vomit.
the problem is that i'm a girl and the worst thing you can do is leave a girl alone with her mind.
i haven't heard anything. the problem with that is that, at this point, it's not uncommon. he's in a self-imposed exile and handling his B.I. and thus our regular communication has been interrupted. i'm respecting his gangsta, so i haven't clicked on him for it, though i miss him so. the problem is that since i haven't been in regular contact lately, his silence could mean everything or nothing at all. and i, in one of my more stunningly brilliant moments, was so proud of myself for having written and mailed the letter that i forgot to ask how long mail takes to get to the US from Slovenia. so, i have no idea of its ETA or if he even got it. it's not exactly uncommon for international mail to get lost.
so, as you can imagine, i'm freaking out while trying not to lose my cool. that is a tight rope to walk, my friend.
i don't regret doing it. never that. i would've eventually ruined our friendship if i hadn't. of course, i may have merely accelerated the dissolution process by doing this, but better it be honest, quick, and deliberate than passive-aggressive, interminable, and excruciating. ideally, he would profess his eternal love for me and coyly ask what took me so long, but he's a complicated man and unpredictable, at best. so, there's just no way to know until i *know.* honestly, i've been avoiding my mailbox in case there's a "sorry fo' ya" letter inside.
all i know is that i'm quietly going crazy...ier. whatever happens next means we'll either be making out or i'll never see him again. that may seem a little harsh and abrupt, but that's how i roll. i'll never be able to get over him if he's in my life...though, honestly, the idea of never seeing him again made my soul sink, so i may rethink that... it's not just that i want to make out with him. it's not just that it think he's beautiful and has an amazing heart. it's that i can't even think about wanting anyone else. he's all that occupies my mind. other guys, if they enter my mind at all, are mere distractions from him. so, if i can't have him, then i can't have him around, because all i want is him. it's the unfortunate side effect of loving too much.
now, i'm on pins and needles because i either get the one thing i want most or lost the one person whom i care for the most.
no wonder i've recently lost my appetite and have trouble sleeping...and i kinda want to vomit.
posted by badassed at
1:05 AM
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