what a self-destructive asshole
that about sums it up.
i was talking to a friend of mine. we were discussing the differences between women and men and the role of victim. she was dead on. she said that women openly own their victimhood. in true prima donna form, women complain how the world is against them. all of these horrible things keep happening to them. very openly, almost proudly, accepting their role as a victim.
men are a little different. maybe it's because of their testosterone levels, maybe it's their socialization as being strong and in control, men don't do the role of victim well. this, for once, is where men get way more complicated than women.
i should also, before i begin, factor in the puritanical air up here. that has a lot to do with...everything. there is such an overwhelming sense of punishment, of repentance, of suffering for ones deeds. everyone feels guilt and shame, but it's almost like people up here get off on it. they get off on the weight of the world on their shoulders. they love being the tragic hero. somehow, i guess, feeling the full force of the weight of their guilt or shame is a burden they're proud to carry. it's like the more you bear, the more it matters, and the more you're validated.
now then, back to men. their version of victimhood is not one that they can proudly proclaim like women. it needs to be inflicted. the drive to repent is a powerful force, but rival only to the need to suffer. so, they repent through their suffering, but you're never sure which one is driving the machine because they are also getting off on their suffering. generally, suffering and self-gratification cannot co-exist. somehow, up here, it's morphed into this weird, fucking freaky bastard of a reality.
knowing all of that, we come to this guy. i'm angry with him, no fucking doubt about that. i could easily not talk to him for the rest of my life and cut him off. he's a good person, but he's committed, just about, my limit of infractions i can withstand and still have you in my life. anyway, in the interest in civility, i've started talking to him again. he was on silence for about 2 or 3 weeks...which is no easy feat, let me tell you, when i see him all of the fucking time. anyway, just yesterday, i started cursorily talking to him. today, i asked him a question relating directly to the main infraction he's made and his response was really fucked up. i don't know if he thought he was being funny. perhaps, he thought since i spoke to him again that things were back on track and we could joke about it. i don't know, he seemed like he was just being a dick. he was being intentionally obtuse and rude. he smiled the whole time, but it was slightly twisted. i don't know what the fuck he thought he was doing.
that bothered me...well, it still is..and i was wondering why he would've behaved like that? especially, since he, at least did, fell badly about everything and the pain he's caused me. it seemed counterintuitive to be flip with someone who is finally talking to you and is asking you a question about a still very sore subject. it seemed like a truly stupid move. then, i talked to my friend and she and i were discussing victimhood. he certainly gets off on being the victim. he likes having that sort of moral indignation, since he prides himself on being an upstanding guy. that, though, is the off-off Broadway act to his play. i think what it really is is that he knows he fucked up and feels he should suffer more for it. perhaps me talking to him was, in his eyes, letting him off the hook too early. so, he decided to make an extraordinarily stupid move and push me away.
here is where it gets sad. as much as people know me up here, no one knows me. i can hold a grudge so long it staggers the senses. i think he's confusing my attempt at civility for forgiveness. the two are certainly not one in the same. i will probably never forgive him. i don't forgive easily, which is why i try to give people ample opportunities to correct their mistakes with me. once it's a done deal and i've shut down, there's nothing left to do. time can pass, and i may forget things, but i rarely forgive. i have no time for insincerity and no place in my life for treachery. the few people that are in my life are there because, above all, they are loyal.
perhaps i'm most annoyed at me. i keep giving him chances to do...something other than fuck up and all that keeps happening is that i keep getting hurt. i tried to be understanding. i got hurt. i tried to be his friend again. i got fucking slaughtered. i tried to be civil and he did it a-fucking-gain. i don't want to write him off. i don't want to hate him. i don't want what is coming. i'm fucking shutting down. i don't want to hurt his feelings, but i'm done. i've tried all i can do. it's just sad, because there will come a time when he tries to be friends with me again, and i'm going to have to shut him down... for my own fucking protection.
in all of this, i've tried to hold on to the fact that he's a good person and is just on a dumb-ass-choices rampage. i've been trying to be mindful and aware that he's hurting in all of this too. i try to remember that at one time he genuinely cared for me. i hate to get dorky, but like they said in Batman Begins:
"it's not who you are, but what you do that defines you."
i was talking to a friend of mine. we were discussing the differences between women and men and the role of victim. she was dead on. she said that women openly own their victimhood. in true prima donna form, women complain how the world is against them. all of these horrible things keep happening to them. very openly, almost proudly, accepting their role as a victim.
men are a little different. maybe it's because of their testosterone levels, maybe it's their socialization as being strong and in control, men don't do the role of victim well. this, for once, is where men get way more complicated than women.
i should also, before i begin, factor in the puritanical air up here. that has a lot to do with...everything. there is such an overwhelming sense of punishment, of repentance, of suffering for ones deeds. everyone feels guilt and shame, but it's almost like people up here get off on it. they get off on the weight of the world on their shoulders. they love being the tragic hero. somehow, i guess, feeling the full force of the weight of their guilt or shame is a burden they're proud to carry. it's like the more you bear, the more it matters, and the more you're validated.
now then, back to men. their version of victimhood is not one that they can proudly proclaim like women. it needs to be inflicted. the drive to repent is a powerful force, but rival only to the need to suffer. so, they repent through their suffering, but you're never sure which one is driving the machine because they are also getting off on their suffering. generally, suffering and self-gratification cannot co-exist. somehow, up here, it's morphed into this weird, fucking freaky bastard of a reality.
knowing all of that, we come to this guy. i'm angry with him, no fucking doubt about that. i could easily not talk to him for the rest of my life and cut him off. he's a good person, but he's committed, just about, my limit of infractions i can withstand and still have you in my life. anyway, in the interest in civility, i've started talking to him again. he was on silence for about 2 or 3 weeks...which is no easy feat, let me tell you, when i see him all of the fucking time. anyway, just yesterday, i started cursorily talking to him. today, i asked him a question relating directly to the main infraction he's made and his response was really fucked up. i don't know if he thought he was being funny. perhaps, he thought since i spoke to him again that things were back on track and we could joke about it. i don't know, he seemed like he was just being a dick. he was being intentionally obtuse and rude. he smiled the whole time, but it was slightly twisted. i don't know what the fuck he thought he was doing.
that bothered me...well, it still is..and i was wondering why he would've behaved like that? especially, since he, at least did, fell badly about everything and the pain he's caused me. it seemed counterintuitive to be flip with someone who is finally talking to you and is asking you a question about a still very sore subject. it seemed like a truly stupid move. then, i talked to my friend and she and i were discussing victimhood. he certainly gets off on being the victim. he likes having that sort of moral indignation, since he prides himself on being an upstanding guy. that, though, is the off-off Broadway act to his play. i think what it really is is that he knows he fucked up and feels he should suffer more for it. perhaps me talking to him was, in his eyes, letting him off the hook too early. so, he decided to make an extraordinarily stupid move and push me away.
here is where it gets sad. as much as people know me up here, no one knows me. i can hold a grudge so long it staggers the senses. i think he's confusing my attempt at civility for forgiveness. the two are certainly not one in the same. i will probably never forgive him. i don't forgive easily, which is why i try to give people ample opportunities to correct their mistakes with me. once it's a done deal and i've shut down, there's nothing left to do. time can pass, and i may forget things, but i rarely forgive. i have no time for insincerity and no place in my life for treachery. the few people that are in my life are there because, above all, they are loyal.
perhaps i'm most annoyed at me. i keep giving him chances to do...something other than fuck up and all that keeps happening is that i keep getting hurt. i tried to be understanding. i got hurt. i tried to be his friend again. i got fucking slaughtered. i tried to be civil and he did it a-fucking-gain. i don't want to write him off. i don't want to hate him. i don't want what is coming. i'm fucking shutting down. i don't want to hurt his feelings, but i'm done. i've tried all i can do. it's just sad, because there will come a time when he tries to be friends with me again, and i'm going to have to shut him down... for my own fucking protection.
in all of this, i've tried to hold on to the fact that he's a good person and is just on a dumb-ass-choices rampage. i've been trying to be mindful and aware that he's hurting in all of this too. i try to remember that at one time he genuinely cared for me. i hate to get dorky, but like they said in Batman Begins:
"it's not who you are, but what you do that defines you."
posted by badassed at
7:43 PM
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