love

my brother just flew in from Spain for Thanxgiving tonight. i called him at my mom's. before he picked up the phone, i could already hear him say hello. there's this sort of breathiness in his voice when he talks on the phone. the one thing that i love most about him that few others get away with is his nicknames. being the oldest brother gives him special privileges when it comes to me. it's the kind of thing where everytime he calls me...uh, a nickname, it's sort of code for "i'll always look out for you." i love it. i like feeling protected like that. i think there are so many times in so many days that i feel completely exposed.

all of my siblings have my back, i know. i think 'Tief most actively and constantly has my back, but with Sim, it reminds me of a couple of times where i was too young, too hurt, and too girl to know what was going on and he looked out for me. i remember one time, right after my boyfriend died, i had no bearings on life itself and a friend of his who had always liked me thought that that was the perfect opportunity...seeing as how i was single and all...to make his move. anyway, the guy and i were in my room and Sim would knock on the door when --i shit you not--it "got too quiet" in there for his liking.

anyway, i called him tonight and he kept falling asleep on the phone. he'd been traveling for 15 hours, but wanted to humor me. so, he kept trying to stay awake, but then i'd hear these long pauses and i'd say, "Aasim. Aasim. Aasim." then he'd respond and try to recap the conversation to show he was listening. it was cute. eventually, i had him give the phone to mom. you gotta let people off the hook, ya know. i'm definitely taken care of by the men in my life --Shawn included, which is why i loved him so much...which is also why i have trouble finding a boyfriend. high standards. i don't need to be coddled, but i need a security blanket. the thing with knowing you have people there for you means you don't have to be so cautious. not that you should constantly fuck up because you know there are people who'll clean up your mess, but it makes life a little freer. knowing you have the safety net is everything.

i have a lot of friends who are only children and they're fine. i know that being an only child is their reality so it's not that big of a deal. i just couldn't imagine my life without my brothers and sister. there's something comforting about knowing that there is, at least, one place on earth where people get your jokes and love you anyway.

for instance:
i was talking with Atief tonight about Ghostbusters. the conversation went a-little sumthin' like this:

me: i'm watching Ghostbusters and everytime i see these special effects all i hear is "beep-beep-beep-beep," because they're off the hook.

Atief: (laughs)wow. wait. man that was wack, but it was funny.

me: oh, good. yea, i was hoping that it'd do a little turn around.

Atief: did you just make that up?

me: yea, i just thought of it and decided to try it out on you.

Atief: nice.

see, with siblings, you're never in danger of losing cool points...you never had those bitches to begin with.