midwest girl in a new england town

i've decided that this place is not good for me. i think i'm going to stay here until i graduate...which won't be for a little while...but after that, i'm outta here. i'm not sure if i'm going to stay in new england or what. i doubt i'll move back to the midwest. my brother wants to move out to california and i think that a little sand and whole lot of sun may be just what i need. i don't know. like i said, it'll be awhile. maybe it depends on where i got to grad school. i just need something else.

i've noticed that i've become extremely moody up here. i'm really not a moody person. obviously, things annoy me and shit, but i wouldn't really call myself moody. my sister...moody. me? i try to keep an even tone. such is not the case lately.

i've realized that up here everyone wants to talk about their feelings. there's a tone that you should really feel whatever's going on inside and blah, blah, blah. i'm entirely capable of expressing myself, but i also come from the land of repression and i'm ok with that. i really, really, don't like to talk about a lot of things. i still deal with them, i'm just not that open. to a select few, i'm completely open...to the rest of the world...no fucking go. i pride myself on my composure and self control. by no stretch of the imagination am i a raw nerve. i don't know. i'm just a very private person and i've found that a lot of people don't respect that. they want to dig and prod and extract things i'm not willing to part with. in all honesty, nothing has prompted this blog. no one irritated me or pissed me off. i was just in a bad mood and relize that that's been going on a lot lately and it's time to investigate this. i was talking to my brother and he said that he feels the same way. i said we should come with a warning label that says "Caution: Heermance inside." i don't want to be an open book. i like having my secrets.

i think the funny thing about all of this is that for a place that claims to be so in touch with themselves, which they seem to think will lead to self-discovery and eventual inner peace, there are a lot of very unhappy people here. i don't know if apathy's the new thing, but i'm not into it. i'm really quite an insufferable optimist. i like being happy. i like looking forward to things...even silly things. it's the silly small things that make this all worthwhile. it's that moment when you've been inside all day and the first warm rays hit your face and you just smile. moments like that are what should be celebrated. here, ridicule and indifference are celebrated. biting wit and one-upsmanship is par for the course. i can do these things...and rather well, but the point is that i don't want to.i mean, not to sound like a hippie, but...you know what, fuck that, i do mean to sound like a hippie. sure they sort of stink, and i'm really not a fan of patchouli, but there's nothing wrong with just appreciating each other and loving ourselves. where's the crime in hope? what's wrong with self esteem? i don't mean cockiness. i mean knowing your worth. i don't see why these things aren't embraced. of course, there's the possibility of failing. of course things may not always work out in the end, but fuck it. failed action is better than inaction. all we have is trying. you never know what great things can come if you never try it. trust me, i've certainly had my share of heartbreak and embarrassment, but it's all worth it in the end. i could never be as strong as i am if i didn't put myself out there to fall.

i guess i'm in a really comtemplative mood and these are the things that have been running through my mind.