lame

i invited my ex over to talk. he walks around all dejected, with his mopey look on his face that's bordering on emotional blackmail. i'd noticed him staring at me, so i figured he had something to say, but didn't know how to approach me. granted, i can be difficult to engage and, considering his egregious behaviour, i can see how it would be particularly difficult for him. i also had a few things to say to him. not in that, "you son of a bitch" way, but in that "i want you to understand why" way.

i thought it would be good, for educational purposes, to have him fully understand why i'm not talking to him. i think i would be remiss should i not try to prevent this in the future. it's not a good look. anyway, it's not because we broke up. i don't care...well, that's not true. i did care. i mostly cared how he treated me. it's one thing to leave. that's fine. everyone has a right to leave a relationship and we had established a long time ago that we were entirely too different to really stay together. so, that was fine. it's the way he conducted himself. he was not only horribly disrespectful to me, but he was recreant to our friendship.

i thought it was important for him to know that and to distinguish the difference. i wasn't a scorned woman. i was a wounded friend. anyway, so i talked to him last Thurs. and we agreed that he'd call me when he got up on Tues. so, yesterday, i wake up and think, "there's no way he's going to fuck this up. i haven't talked to him in about a month and i see him, at least, three times a week." yea, he fucked up. he never called me.

today, he waits until we're alone and then comes to apologize to me. he said that he "woke up late" and "didn't have my phone number" because he'd gotten a new cell phone. right. i may be a lot of things, stupid is certainly not one of them. you're telling me that you've known me for a year and a half and was sleeping with me for, at least, half that time and you don't remember my phone number? i doubt it. just for arguments sake, let's assume you did forget my phone number, not only am i listed, but you could've stopped by. it's true that i abhor people stopping by. it may very well be the single most intrusive thing anyone can do to me. i hate it with the burning, white fires of hell. however, he had always been the only person i'd never minded- in fact encouraged- to pop in...that's why he had my key. granted, he currently is not my favorite person, but given the situation, it would've been allowed. even if he ran the risk of taking me aback, at least he tried. so, he was apologizing and i told him, "it doesn't matter...but you'll never get that chance again."

later on, i went to him and said, "i realize it seems like i'm being really unforgiving and i am. you have to understand, it may very well have been an honest mistake, but i haven't talked to you in weeks and yesterday i was willing, and you never called. as far as i knew, you were blowing me off. there are ways of getting my number or you could've stopped by. i have been, rightfully, mad at you and i don't have to forgive you. i've got nothing left. so...suck." and left.

i'm so tired of him. i think the whole thing is finally done. even torturing him is too much effort. it's too much effort for me to actively hate him. i guess i'm a little surprised that he didn't capitalize on the opportunity. then again, he has been on a very solid fucking up streak, so why change? it's important to establish continuity and remain consistent.