control

people are fucking strange up here. i'd like to think that i command a certain amount of respect with my personality, but i'm not crazy. i don't think i strike fear in anyone...or, more to the point, i shouldn't. i'm definitely a loose cannon...well, certainly my mouth is a loose cannon, but i'm relatively harmless. i'm a loose cannon in the way of stopping along the side of the road during a long roadtrip on a hot summer day and taking a swim in the nearest river. i'm a free spirit. sure, my cold shoulder rivals the fierce February Arctic wind, but so what?

it's amazing how much influence i have over quite a number of people up here. some people i understand. there are a couple of well formed and cultivated friendships and one strike of lightning. i get that. i matter to them because they matter to me. outside of those few, i shouldn't have any influence at all. why should they care what i think about them? who am i? why are they working so hard for my approval? i guess there's the standard overestimation of their importance and that's fair, i guess. they don't that they don't matter to me....some intentionally stick their fingers in their ears, screaming the theme song to Daria to drown out my words of contempt. other people know i don't give a shit about them, but still they're concerned. i don't know. years from now, when i'm long gone to New Haven or Ulaanbaatar or wherever the wind takes me, i won't even remember their names.

all i know is that you should never give random people that much control over you.