balls to the wall

so, i did something today that i'm rather impressed about. it was bold, even for me. i don't know why i did it. i mean, i wanted to, obviously, but i think i mostly did it because every now and then you have to shake your complacency off and do something crazy; something that scares you.

in the last few weeks i've decided to go back to the basic me. strip myself and my layers of armor down and become what i used to be: fiery, bold, and naked. the last few years had me shook. i was scared to do everything. i was always concerned with what could happen and the worst case scenario. not that i don't thoroughly assess a situation, but i was never paralyzed at the thought of a lousy outcome. even if everything got fucked up along the way, the process --who i met, who i loved, where i went-- was always worth it. i lost sight of that for a very long time. now, i do things that are seemingly bold, but it's not bold if you have no fear. i couldn't give two shits about most of the people around me, so to say something or do something that seems ballsy isn't, because i don't have anything at stake.

i've decided to change all of that. i clearly managed that today. i understand the gravity of what i did and the potential horror of an outcome if i've miscalculated certain people. i don't think i have. not this time. even if i did, the fact that it's something that i wanted to do and just fucking did it makes me feel so liberated. of course, if i miscalculated them, there will be blood, but i'm certain that will not be the case. as it stands, i've been spending the better part of the evening sitting back, laughing, and marveling at myself.



siri: why?! (laughs)
me: what do you want from me?
siri: i don't know, but i want some of that shameless ass attitude.

why did i do it? because i wanted to. in the words of Siri, "when did that stop being enough?"