heart of darkness
i'd like to believe that i'm a good person. everybody would. life sends you certain obstacles that challenge your beliefs, strength, and resolve. i was presented with such an obstacle and found the true darkness inside of myself. it's not very pretty, but it is what it is.
Amanda is dying from breast cancer. she is the mother of Shawn's kids and facilitator of his death. i found this out a little while ago. i knew she had cancer months ago. my initial reaction to that was that i couldn't think of a better person to have it. yea, i know. that's so fucked up. i wouldn't wish cancer on anyone, but if it has a quota to fill, better her than someone...anyone else. with her, i see it as a tangible manifestation of her corroded soul.
i'm not proud of myself and i feel so bad for the kids. Christ, they're going to be orphans barely into double digits. i found that i feel nothing concerning her. last week, Andrea told me that she was basically on her death bed. i was surprised --and a bit saddened--to find that i had almost no reaction to it. it would be the same as someone telling me that the car that just passed by was blue. a minor point of interest, but more of just a random fact.
i was saddened by this, because i thought i'd have more sympathy, if not for her than at least, for the human condition. nope. i've got nothing. i've never really felt this way before. academically, it makes sense, but emotionally, i'm sort of disappointed in myself. i guess there's just a point to where someone has wronged you in so many fundamental ways that you actually couldn't care less about them. i literally don't care whether she lives or dies. maybe it comes from my inability to forgive her for what she's done.
she's hurt so many people i deeply love, not to mention caused the death of the father of her own kids. the people that i love the most, who have supported me through some seriously fucked up shit, have been scarred by her and her selfish choices. it took her until last year --a solid 5 years after the fact--to tell his own mother what happened to him the night he died and her part in it. how could i feel bad for her? and that's just the shit she did to the people i love. that doesn't even count what she's done to me. our sordid history aside, she caused the death of the single most important person i've allowed in my life. he wasn't just a boyfriend. he wasn't just about to be my fiance. he was my entire world; my best friend, my lover, my cheering squad, my sounding board, my critic. he was the rock that i returned to after a stint in the clouds...always. he was home. at the age of 22, with one selfish decision on her part, she blew my life apart. it's taken me almost 6 years to finally pick up the pieces and i find it hard to muster sympathy for her and her situation.
i'd like to think i'm a better person, but i'm not. it'd be different if she was just there when it happened, but to know that she put him out of the car, forcing him to walk along the highway and ultimately get hit, makes it difficult to care.
when he first died and i moved back home, people wondered if i'd do anything to her. God knows i was nothing if not a big ball of rage, but i knew that a) all fingers would point to me and, more importantly, b) there's nothing that i could do to her that would be worse than answering to God. i took solace in knowing that there could be nothing worse than knowing you helped kill your own children's father, seeing him in their faces every day and, eventually, having to answer to them about what happened. that would be hell on Earth. i'm a big believer in Karma and life is all about balance. her actions set the world off kilter and it would remedy itself in time. is the remedy cancer? is it death? i don't know.
having a good friend of mine lose his own mother to breast cancer makes me particularly sensitive to it. seeing him, knowing him, and fighting through the series of reinforced walls he's built up around his heart has made me keenly aware of how fucked up all of this sounds. i would never want to see the pain i see in him in anyone else i love. so, for that, i am sorry. for the kids, who are about to lose their other parent, and for her parents who are about to lose their daughter, i am sorry. for her and the pain she is going through, i'm not.
maybe all of this has forced her to confront herself and the life she has lived and the people she has hurt. God know she has a lot to answer for. maybe i will, too, for feeling this way. maybe i'll feel differently when she actually dies. i don't know. the fucked up thing is that, in Jr. High, we used to be close friends. this is what time and choices have led us to.
i've never experienced my heart being so cold towards someone. even in my most angered or aching moments, i've always been able to find compassion and understanding. i may not have liked it or wanted to, but it was always there. i've never felt so apathetic about someone and their impending death. it's sad.
it's sad to know that i'm broken that way.
Amanda is dying from breast cancer. she is the mother of Shawn's kids and facilitator of his death. i found this out a little while ago. i knew she had cancer months ago. my initial reaction to that was that i couldn't think of a better person to have it. yea, i know. that's so fucked up. i wouldn't wish cancer on anyone, but if it has a quota to fill, better her than someone...anyone else. with her, i see it as a tangible manifestation of her corroded soul.
i'm not proud of myself and i feel so bad for the kids. Christ, they're going to be orphans barely into double digits. i found that i feel nothing concerning her. last week, Andrea told me that she was basically on her death bed. i was surprised --and a bit saddened--to find that i had almost no reaction to it. it would be the same as someone telling me that the car that just passed by was blue. a minor point of interest, but more of just a random fact.
i was saddened by this, because i thought i'd have more sympathy, if not for her than at least, for the human condition. nope. i've got nothing. i've never really felt this way before. academically, it makes sense, but emotionally, i'm sort of disappointed in myself. i guess there's just a point to where someone has wronged you in so many fundamental ways that you actually couldn't care less about them. i literally don't care whether she lives or dies. maybe it comes from my inability to forgive her for what she's done.
she's hurt so many people i deeply love, not to mention caused the death of the father of her own kids. the people that i love the most, who have supported me through some seriously fucked up shit, have been scarred by her and her selfish choices. it took her until last year --a solid 5 years after the fact--to tell his own mother what happened to him the night he died and her part in it. how could i feel bad for her? and that's just the shit she did to the people i love. that doesn't even count what she's done to me. our sordid history aside, she caused the death of the single most important person i've allowed in my life. he wasn't just a boyfriend. he wasn't just about to be my fiance. he was my entire world; my best friend, my lover, my cheering squad, my sounding board, my critic. he was the rock that i returned to after a stint in the clouds...always. he was home. at the age of 22, with one selfish decision on her part, she blew my life apart. it's taken me almost 6 years to finally pick up the pieces and i find it hard to muster sympathy for her and her situation.
i'd like to think i'm a better person, but i'm not. it'd be different if she was just there when it happened, but to know that she put him out of the car, forcing him to walk along the highway and ultimately get hit, makes it difficult to care.
when he first died and i moved back home, people wondered if i'd do anything to her. God knows i was nothing if not a big ball of rage, but i knew that a) all fingers would point to me and, more importantly, b) there's nothing that i could do to her that would be worse than answering to God. i took solace in knowing that there could be nothing worse than knowing you helped kill your own children's father, seeing him in their faces every day and, eventually, having to answer to them about what happened. that would be hell on Earth. i'm a big believer in Karma and life is all about balance. her actions set the world off kilter and it would remedy itself in time. is the remedy cancer? is it death? i don't know.
having a good friend of mine lose his own mother to breast cancer makes me particularly sensitive to it. seeing him, knowing him, and fighting through the series of reinforced walls he's built up around his heart has made me keenly aware of how fucked up all of this sounds. i would never want to see the pain i see in him in anyone else i love. so, for that, i am sorry. for the kids, who are about to lose their other parent, and for her parents who are about to lose their daughter, i am sorry. for her and the pain she is going through, i'm not.
maybe all of this has forced her to confront herself and the life she has lived and the people she has hurt. God know she has a lot to answer for. maybe i will, too, for feeling this way. maybe i'll feel differently when she actually dies. i don't know. the fucked up thing is that, in Jr. High, we used to be close friends. this is what time and choices have led us to.
i've never experienced my heart being so cold towards someone. even in my most angered or aching moments, i've always been able to find compassion and understanding. i may not have liked it or wanted to, but it was always there. i've never felt so apathetic about someone and their impending death. it's sad.
it's sad to know that i'm broken that way.
posted by badassed at
12:28 AM
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