final thought before bed
is "just friends" such a super bad thing?
just because he doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean he's not good for me and we wouldn't make great friends. is that such a bad thing? is it possible? am i fooling myself? am i getting comfortable with the idea of just friends simply to be near him?
of course, news of my rejection is rippling throughout my family...which is awesome. i think the single best response i got was from my big head, Uncle Darryl, who said, "where's he live? i'm gonna shoot him. nobody breaks my baby's heart." that was excellent. mostly, i've gotten "he's not good enough" talk. i appreciate people talking shit about him to make me feel better, but the truth is that i'm not mad at him. i don't think he--necessarily--led me on. i think he capitalized on my affection for him, but i don't think it was malicious. so, i'm not angry with him. i'm hurt and embarrassed, but my decision to not see him again isn't about revenge or anger, it's about distance. it's self-preservation. i think his reasons for not dating me are pretty solid. i still think that we could've had something fantastic, even if it blazed fiercely for only a little while.
i can't tell you how many times people have asked me if i think he's going to call or want to "see how long it takes him" to contact me. my response to everyone is why. why would he? the ball is squarely in my court. he knows where i stand. i know where he stands. i know he wants me in his life, so it's my decision whether or not i can live with the terms. why would he contact me? to see if i'm ok? if there's one thing i hate the most, it's a hero complex. luke taught me that shit. you can not be the breaker and the builder of me. you can't be both. you can't hurt and heal me. sometimes you just have to be the bad guy. anything less gets confusing. in any case, he and i are no where near the fiasco point that was luke. so, i expect, at some point, he'll contact me, but this isn't some sort of battle of wills and i'm not staying away from him to punish him, because my decisions now are no longer about him. i've thought of little else but him for two years, now. it's me time.
i can't really see a reason we wouldn't, in the end, be friends. for whatever reason, he's good for me. yes, i love him. yes, i'll always love him. i just need to figure out a way to turn that into the way i love Felipe or David or Rec. i love those men. do i want to be with them, no. so, i just need to figure out a way of steering this guy in that direction. but, i'm not going to break him down in my eyes to make myself feel better. and, i'm not going to belittle our connection to save face. am i being almost surreally reasonable? yes. you must also understand that this is me, academically, assessing the situation. emotionally, i'm all torn up, but stuck. so, we'll see how this plays out.
all i know is that i've wasted a lot of my understanding and affection on some supremely unworthy assholes. so, this sounds like me being a chump for yet another man, but i think he's worth it. i think there are people who you are destined to know. i remember talking with this woman once and she was spouting some new age mumbo jumbo about finding people who "are part of your tribe." i think she has a point. i think there are those kindred spirit people. those people who fit. i think there are simply those people that belong to you and you to them. maybe it's the whole "birds of a feather" thing, but i think there are some people who are just fit and feel like home.
much like andrea. i have no doubt that andrea and i were destined to be friends. lately we've marveled that we didn't meet until high school seeing as how we had so many people in common growing up. it seems so unlikely in town like Columbia and her being friends with my cousins (at that time) and us being at their house all of the time growing up that we didn't meet until i was 16. i think we were always meant to meet, i just think we weren't ready for each other yet. who i was before i met before her, what i was going through when i met her, and who i ended up being are such different people. i think who i was before my high school crisis she would've hated and i would've thought she was just scary. i think the stars had to align just so for us to be as good of friends as we are now. the proof of that was our post graduation fallout. we didn't talk for 3 years, but when we finally came back together, we were still in sync...and i think that's amazing. so, she was someone who was meant to walk through life with me. hell, at this point, i can't shake her.
i said all of that to say this: he makes sense to me. i totally recognize that...well, i'm a fool--and you love me...i still love him tremendously and don't want to let him go. i also know i will if i can't sort this out. however, i will be the sorrier if i hastily cut him out of my life.
i feel like i'm writing our story. i have the title, the first couple of chapters, and i know how we'll end, i just don't know how we'll get there.
just because he doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean he's not good for me and we wouldn't make great friends. is that such a bad thing? is it possible? am i fooling myself? am i getting comfortable with the idea of just friends simply to be near him?
of course, news of my rejection is rippling throughout my family...which is awesome. i think the single best response i got was from my big head, Uncle Darryl, who said, "where's he live? i'm gonna shoot him. nobody breaks my baby's heart." that was excellent. mostly, i've gotten "he's not good enough" talk. i appreciate people talking shit about him to make me feel better, but the truth is that i'm not mad at him. i don't think he--necessarily--led me on. i think he capitalized on my affection for him, but i don't think it was malicious. so, i'm not angry with him. i'm hurt and embarrassed, but my decision to not see him again isn't about revenge or anger, it's about distance. it's self-preservation. i think his reasons for not dating me are pretty solid. i still think that we could've had something fantastic, even if it blazed fiercely for only a little while.
i can't tell you how many times people have asked me if i think he's going to call or want to "see how long it takes him" to contact me. my response to everyone is why. why would he? the ball is squarely in my court. he knows where i stand. i know where he stands. i know he wants me in his life, so it's my decision whether or not i can live with the terms. why would he contact me? to see if i'm ok? if there's one thing i hate the most, it's a hero complex. luke taught me that shit. you can not be the breaker and the builder of me. you can't be both. you can't hurt and heal me. sometimes you just have to be the bad guy. anything less gets confusing. in any case, he and i are no where near the fiasco point that was luke. so, i expect, at some point, he'll contact me, but this isn't some sort of battle of wills and i'm not staying away from him to punish him, because my decisions now are no longer about him. i've thought of little else but him for two years, now. it's me time.
i can't really see a reason we wouldn't, in the end, be friends. for whatever reason, he's good for me. yes, i love him. yes, i'll always love him. i just need to figure out a way to turn that into the way i love Felipe or David or Rec. i love those men. do i want to be with them, no. so, i just need to figure out a way of steering this guy in that direction. but, i'm not going to break him down in my eyes to make myself feel better. and, i'm not going to belittle our connection to save face. am i being almost surreally reasonable? yes. you must also understand that this is me, academically, assessing the situation. emotionally, i'm all torn up, but stuck. so, we'll see how this plays out.
all i know is that i've wasted a lot of my understanding and affection on some supremely unworthy assholes. so, this sounds like me being a chump for yet another man, but i think he's worth it. i think there are people who you are destined to know. i remember talking with this woman once and she was spouting some new age mumbo jumbo about finding people who "are part of your tribe." i think she has a point. i think there are those kindred spirit people. those people who fit. i think there are simply those people that belong to you and you to them. maybe it's the whole "birds of a feather" thing, but i think there are some people who are just fit and feel like home.
much like andrea. i have no doubt that andrea and i were destined to be friends. lately we've marveled that we didn't meet until high school seeing as how we had so many people in common growing up. it seems so unlikely in town like Columbia and her being friends with my cousins (at that time) and us being at their house all of the time growing up that we didn't meet until i was 16. i think we were always meant to meet, i just think we weren't ready for each other yet. who i was before i met before her, what i was going through when i met her, and who i ended up being are such different people. i think who i was before my high school crisis she would've hated and i would've thought she was just scary. i think the stars had to align just so for us to be as good of friends as we are now. the proof of that was our post graduation fallout. we didn't talk for 3 years, but when we finally came back together, we were still in sync...and i think that's amazing. so, she was someone who was meant to walk through life with me. hell, at this point, i can't shake her.
i said all of that to say this: he makes sense to me. i totally recognize that...well, i'm a fool--and you love me...i still love him tremendously and don't want to let him go. i also know i will if i can't sort this out. however, i will be the sorrier if i hastily cut him out of my life.
i feel like i'm writing our story. i have the title, the first couple of chapters, and i know how we'll end, i just don't know how we'll get there.
posted by badassed at
2:42 AM
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