i had a dream about Shawn last night. i don't remember the last time i had a dream this vivid...well, actually i do. it was a few years ago. these dreams are such a blessing and a curse. the thing that makes them so amazing is that it's not like i have some vague hint of him being there. it's just him. everything about him. everything he was and who he was to me is the same. there's no one else in the dream. it's just the two of us together again for those hours until my alarm pulls him away.

it makes waking up so hard and me hostile to the world for the rest of the day. it's not just the pain of loss, which is occasional, but acute. it's my life. it's where i am and who i am because of it. it's the wondering that gets me. where i would be, who would i be. i never would've met these people or lived in this apartment. as much as like some of them, truth be told, there's not one i wouldn't trade for him. i would be married somewhere with a couple of kids to a man who fiercely loved me. now...it's pathetic. and it sucks because there are few things worse in this world than feeling you got robbed. i abhor should've, could've, and would'ves, but there simply nothing i can do. not even then, there's nothing i could've done differently. it just is and it hurts and i have to suck it up.

i'm so tired of this being my reality.