my situation isn't new, but that doesn't stop it from being depressing. the guys i want don't want me and the guys i don't do.
the latest one may be the worse one yet. it isn't so much that he doesn't like me as much as he's indifferent to me. someone being dismissive with genuine emotion is hard on a whole new level.
i finally worked up the nerve to ask him to a concert and he casually said that he'd already seen the band live and that they sucked. not to sound conceited, but it never occurred to me that he'd say no. we've had fun together before and i was pretty certain he liked me...but clearly i was wrong. i just stood there in disbelief after he said no and said, "really?" he looked at me and said, "yea." i was stunned. i was a broken record of disappointment and just kept asking, "really?" i thought he was joking or being difficult but would ultimately come around. i couldn't move. i stood there and it felt like in one fell swoop he'd cracked open my chest, snatched out my heart with his bare hands, and began gnawing it before the first drop of blood hit the floor.
what can you do besides watch the bastard eat your heart?
so, i'm done. i have to be. i'm in very serious danger with him. my sanity and spirit are tacked together with toothpicks and wood glue at best and he could easily break me. i know now that i don't have thick enough skin for him and, in the end, i don't want to have it. i don't want to be more jaded and bitter than i am. i'm already faking a solid 75% of my happiness as it is. i want to learn to be emotionally open and quasi-carefree again, but it has to be with someone who'll take care with me. clearly, he won't.
what's so sad is that he's an interesting and wildly intelligent guy. i love talking with him and hearing what he has to say about everything. plus, his voice is audio velvet sinuously caressing my ears. he's beautiful...a bit scruffy...but such a handsome man with perfect lips.
he just makes it impossible to know him.
the latest one may be the worse one yet. it isn't so much that he doesn't like me as much as he's indifferent to me. someone being dismissive with genuine emotion is hard on a whole new level.
i finally worked up the nerve to ask him to a concert and he casually said that he'd already seen the band live and that they sucked. not to sound conceited, but it never occurred to me that he'd say no. we've had fun together before and i was pretty certain he liked me...but clearly i was wrong. i just stood there in disbelief after he said no and said, "really?" he looked at me and said, "yea." i was stunned. i was a broken record of disappointment and just kept asking, "really?" i thought he was joking or being difficult but would ultimately come around. i couldn't move. i stood there and it felt like in one fell swoop he'd cracked open my chest, snatched out my heart with his bare hands, and began gnawing it before the first drop of blood hit the floor.
what can you do besides watch the bastard eat your heart?
so, i'm done. i have to be. i'm in very serious danger with him. my sanity and spirit are tacked together with toothpicks and wood glue at best and he could easily break me. i know now that i don't have thick enough skin for him and, in the end, i don't want to have it. i don't want to be more jaded and bitter than i am. i'm already faking a solid 75% of my happiness as it is. i want to learn to be emotionally open and quasi-carefree again, but it has to be with someone who'll take care with me. clearly, he won't.
what's so sad is that he's an interesting and wildly intelligent guy. i love talking with him and hearing what he has to say about everything. plus, his voice is audio velvet sinuously caressing my ears. he's beautiful...a bit scruffy...but such a handsome man with perfect lips.
he just makes it impossible to know him.
posted by badassed at
4:21 PM
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