be easy

i've had a really good day today. perhaps my earlier blog wouldn't lend you to that impression, but i have. i've been really irritated for a long time. actually, i wasn't irritated. i was hurt and i felt discarded. even though i knew it wasn't intentional, it almost didn't matter. it was still painful and, quite frankly, made me feel like nothing. the worse thing in the world is to be irrelevant. yea...it hasn't been a good look for me for a long time. anyway, things are looking up.

the last two days have been emotionally taxing, but not devastating...well, there was one...maybe two crying spells, but that's all. it's been good. i'm starting to get over him and become better with everything. more than anything, i'm getting acclimated with being alone again. by no stretch of the imagination do i like it, but i don't really have any other choice. i'm certainly not going to stay angry and become bitter and vindictive. so, the only other option is acceptance...which is serious elephant balls. i so dig him. it's also balls that i see him damn near every day. that shit is t-rex balls.

i'm better, though. i'm beginning to finally put him and other things into perspective. the toughest challenge is balance. how do you push away the only person you want near you? the answer: sheer will and self-preservation. so, we're friends... ugh, the dreaded friends. i'm just not willing to not have him in my life. it's not an option. it's not because i see him all of the time or some other random thing. trust me, icing someone out of my life is not difficult for me. the only time it is difficult is when they're important to me...as he has become. i don't know. it's more than that we were once together. there's something else...more fundamental about us. we really are kindred spirits. sure, he's a dick, but i'm difficult. there have been many...oh so many...times and reasons to never speak to each other again, but neither of us are willing to let the other one go so easily. it's really quite sweet and profound. i know i certainly haven't been a picnic for him, but he persists and he tries so hard. if nothing else, i'm teaching the man patience.

i guess i'm finally coming to understand...a great many things. most importantly is that we're going to be just fine.