whatever it takes

i felt sort of bad for people who had to suffer through me today. i was in the foulest mood. it was definitely prompted by a few rapid firing things, but i hate subjecting innocents to my moods. i can get quite icy. it was so bad that Sarah had offered to come hang out with me on my lunchbreak and i called her back to tell her not to come. i was in no shape for company and would, undoubtedly, spend the whole time wallowing and complaining. i didn't want to put her through it and i didn't want to hear myself whine. especially since, in both cases, there's nothing i can do and just have to suck it up.

i broke out of it after i wrote this...well, let me explain first. i had just wolfed down a 6" sub and was feeling rather nauseated. truth be told, i was really hungry, but i was mostly angry and wanted to punish something. so i punished the sandwich. clearly, that was a bad move which i came to regret about 5 min. after doing so. i'm not normally that reactionary, but i was in rare form today. so, i'm in the back, trying not to move too much and really detesting my current state--on a number of levels-- and decided to call Andrea. when answered i said:

"I wish I could drink some lighter fluid, or some sort of accelerant, vomit all over this place and burn it down. I would be satisfied with just set it on fire, but I want to be actively involved in it. I want my burning bile to singe their lungs so they can know my rage."

yea, i know. i was having a moment. i'm really quite a jovial person. i was having a bad fucking day. more than anything, i just let my mind run with it. not that i don't want to burn this place sometimes, but the whole "singe their lungs" bit was just watching what fucked up thing my mind came up with next. sort of like when i write at 2am. all of the social mores and personal restraints are gone and it's just me and whatever the hell my brain comes up with...for better or worse. i know. i'm fucked up...

... but it got me out of my mood.