a place for everything...
and everything in its place.
there are certain things that aren't sad or irritating or anything other than a shame. that's what this guy is to me...a shame. he's perfect. he's beautiful and brilliant. he's wonderfully difficult and sarcastic, coupled with moments of genuine sincerity and kindness. he's essentially everything that i look and want in a man and i'm completely crazy about him. of course, as Fate would have it, he doesn't like me back. so, here's a man who's perfect for me, but i'm not perfect for him. balls.
i'm not all weepy about it, though it's sad. i'm not pissed off, though it's disappointing. we get on famously and i can't remember a time when i've been more simultaneously petrified and excited to be with someone. i doubt he feels a fraction for me as i feel for him, but i know that he cares for me. so, now, i have to figure out what to do. on the one hand, i have enough male friends and i want him to be with me. on the other, he's had such an impact on me, how could i think of letting him go? it's an impossibility. so, i have to find a place to put him.
homeboy status is the obvious answer. i sort of figured he didn't like me, but there were things that he'd say or do that would throw me. plus, once a woman puts a man in homeboy status, it's like climbing up an iceberg in vaseline-coated ballet shoes to get out of it. naturally, being a girl and hoping against hope and reason that he might have some affection for me, i hesitated. now, it's time to grow up and face reality.
it's not all bad. i mean, we definitely have a connection. we fight like an old married couple, but that's actually a good thing. he's not afraid to hurt my feelings and i not afraid to tell him that he's being a jerk. yet, i tell him things that even my girls might not know. to achieve that brand of honesty and respect with anyone is so rare...and especially so relatively quickly. he and i have a whole lot of incredibly profound things in common that sort of put us in the same mental space and makes it easy to relate.
i just haven't felt...well, anything like this in a long time. it's nice. even now, knowing and realizing what i do, it's still really nice to be so excited to see someone i want to Stan-eskly vomit, yet once in his company feel at ease. then again, some of the edginess might come from the sheer amount of arguing we do. it's like a crap shoot. sometimes you roll the dice and we're having the best time, laughing and joking around. next roll: irritated silence and frustration. i have a great appreciation for that kinds of moodiness (his and mine). it's so unapologetically honest.
maybe two complicated people can't be together. i mean, aside from personal aspects of me he probably finds grating to the nerves, maybe there has to be a balance. i don't know. i sort of hope not. i just dig him. he's wonderfully complicated...even when he's pissing me off...and i think he's a simply magnificent creature. i guess the trick is to find someone who finds me the same. i'm fucked up and i've had some crazy and complete bullshit things happen to me, but i try not to be defined by them. obviously, they've affected me and changed me, it hasn't all been bad and i'm working on the rest. more than that, all of the events in my life and choices i've made have made knowing him possible. how could i regret that? i wouldn't give up one second with him for anything in the world. i need someone who not only thinks i'm beautiful, but can appreciate my silliness and feistiness in equal measure. i want someone who thinks the world of me and can give in or silence my tantrums with the same delicate heart.
i want him...but he's not an option. so, to homeboy status he goes. such a shame.
wow. after all of that, i'm glad he doesn't have this site address. i suppose if he did, he'd just sigh a breath of relief.
there are certain things that aren't sad or irritating or anything other than a shame. that's what this guy is to me...a shame. he's perfect. he's beautiful and brilliant. he's wonderfully difficult and sarcastic, coupled with moments of genuine sincerity and kindness. he's essentially everything that i look and want in a man and i'm completely crazy about him. of course, as Fate would have it, he doesn't like me back. so, here's a man who's perfect for me, but i'm not perfect for him. balls.
i'm not all weepy about it, though it's sad. i'm not pissed off, though it's disappointing. we get on famously and i can't remember a time when i've been more simultaneously petrified and excited to be with someone. i doubt he feels a fraction for me as i feel for him, but i know that he cares for me. so, now, i have to figure out what to do. on the one hand, i have enough male friends and i want him to be with me. on the other, he's had such an impact on me, how could i think of letting him go? it's an impossibility. so, i have to find a place to put him.
homeboy status is the obvious answer. i sort of figured he didn't like me, but there were things that he'd say or do that would throw me. plus, once a woman puts a man in homeboy status, it's like climbing up an iceberg in vaseline-coated ballet shoes to get out of it. naturally, being a girl and hoping against hope and reason that he might have some affection for me, i hesitated. now, it's time to grow up and face reality.
it's not all bad. i mean, we definitely have a connection. we fight like an old married couple, but that's actually a good thing. he's not afraid to hurt my feelings and i not afraid to tell him that he's being a jerk. yet, i tell him things that even my girls might not know. to achieve that brand of honesty and respect with anyone is so rare...and especially so relatively quickly. he and i have a whole lot of incredibly profound things in common that sort of put us in the same mental space and makes it easy to relate.
i just haven't felt...well, anything like this in a long time. it's nice. even now, knowing and realizing what i do, it's still really nice to be so excited to see someone i want to Stan-eskly vomit, yet once in his company feel at ease. then again, some of the edginess might come from the sheer amount of arguing we do. it's like a crap shoot. sometimes you roll the dice and we're having the best time, laughing and joking around. next roll: irritated silence and frustration. i have a great appreciation for that kinds of moodiness (his and mine). it's so unapologetically honest.
maybe two complicated people can't be together. i mean, aside from personal aspects of me he probably finds grating to the nerves, maybe there has to be a balance. i don't know. i sort of hope not. i just dig him. he's wonderfully complicated...even when he's pissing me off...and i think he's a simply magnificent creature. i guess the trick is to find someone who finds me the same. i'm fucked up and i've had some crazy and complete bullshit things happen to me, but i try not to be defined by them. obviously, they've affected me and changed me, it hasn't all been bad and i'm working on the rest. more than that, all of the events in my life and choices i've made have made knowing him possible. how could i regret that? i wouldn't give up one second with him for anything in the world. i need someone who not only thinks i'm beautiful, but can appreciate my silliness and feistiness in equal measure. i want someone who thinks the world of me and can give in or silence my tantrums with the same delicate heart.
i want him...but he's not an option. so, to homeboy status he goes. such a shame.
wow. after all of that, i'm glad he doesn't have this site address. i suppose if he did, he'd just sigh a breath of relief.
posted by badassed at
12:45 PM
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