too much

there comes a point when someone just asks too much from you. i have reached this point with him. there is only so much you can take and recind before you break. i'm a mutiple fractured person right now. my ex has put me in quandry which forces me to chose between protecting myself and protecting him. i've given all that i can to him, but i care about him and don't want anything bad to happen to him. what i had intended to do to resolve the situation was certainly bold. i know that he's not a very confrontational person, so it was to be expected that he wouldn't like it. however unpleasant, people need to held accountable for their actions.

the bottom line is that i don't trust him. i don't trust him to take care of me. i don't trust him to have the fucking balls to do what needs to be done to end all of this, even if it means hurting peoples' feelings. i don't think that he has the nerve to stand up for me. yet he asks me to not stand up for myself and leave it to him to take care of it. how do you ask that of someone? how do you ask them to trust you when you've done little to inspire it? how do i put myself, and my social integrity, into the hands of a man who has done little to protect me in the past? how do i do that? how do you ask that of me? when someone has so completely- and repeatedly-betrayed you, how do you take a leap of faith for them?

i don't know. my head is spinning and i'm losing sleep. i'm furious. i'm hurt. i'm humiliated.

loving you has been one of the worst thing that's ever happened to me.