keys and business of breaking up
today i had to ask for my key back from my ex. truth be told, i forgot he had it. i don't know what made me think of it. i didn't like asking it. i don't know why i feel bad about the situatuion. i certainly don't feel too bad for him...since he caused it...but it still sucks that it happened and we're still dealing with the fallout. i just hate this.
i'm generally not one to hand out keys to men i date. fuck that shit. i'm entirely too private and, quite frankly, guarded to give any man that much access to me. i gave it to him because i trusted him. i was also new in town, far from home, and alone. i first gave it to him when i had a cat and was out of town a lot. so, i'd have him check on the cat and water my plants. since then, i've given the cat away to my mom...he needed lots of attention and i didn't like him waking me up by licking my face at 4am...and all of my plants have died. i've never taken care of a plant in a place that has freezing temperatures more than half the year. i also live in a basement apt. i dig it, but it's a little lacking in the light department and sunlight is sort of important to the health of a plant. so, that's primarily why i gave him the key. also, so if i ever lost mine or locked them in my car, i could call him and let me in to get my spare. for all of his shortcomings with my heart and in the context of a relationship, he certainly is the guy to call when you need someone dependable who functions.
the key was the last link. we have nothing let between us...well, there's that uncomfortable, kill-me-now silence, but that's to be expected. it was sort of weird calling him, though. the conversation was about, literally, 4 seconds and it was conducted entirely in an emotionless, flat tone. it really sucked. i hate being like that to people. certainly i can have a chill to me that would make the arctic jealous, but i hate doing it. when i was talking to him, i didn't feel anything. so, it's official, i'm shut down when it comes to him. even times when i want to be hurt or something, i end up just walking away. my pain has morphed into anger, but even that's subsiding. now it's just a lack of interest. i don't want anyone in my life who could ever treat me the callous way he did. so.
it's sad to not only watch, but to feel genuine caring and love turn into numbness. it's sad to objectively see what we've become. it's sad to know that i will never let him back in and that he is out of my life. it's sad to know that as soon as i move from here, i will probably never see him again. it's just sad that someone who was so important to me, and who i trusted so much, is now so distant. it's necessary, for my own protection, and i don't want him or want to be with him, but it still makes me sad that this is the end to our story.
i'm generally not one to hand out keys to men i date. fuck that shit. i'm entirely too private and, quite frankly, guarded to give any man that much access to me. i gave it to him because i trusted him. i was also new in town, far from home, and alone. i first gave it to him when i had a cat and was out of town a lot. so, i'd have him check on the cat and water my plants. since then, i've given the cat away to my mom...he needed lots of attention and i didn't like him waking me up by licking my face at 4am...and all of my plants have died. i've never taken care of a plant in a place that has freezing temperatures more than half the year. i also live in a basement apt. i dig it, but it's a little lacking in the light department and sunlight is sort of important to the health of a plant. so, that's primarily why i gave him the key. also, so if i ever lost mine or locked them in my car, i could call him and let me in to get my spare. for all of his shortcomings with my heart and in the context of a relationship, he certainly is the guy to call when you need someone dependable who functions.
the key was the last link. we have nothing let between us...well, there's that uncomfortable, kill-me-now silence, but that's to be expected. it was sort of weird calling him, though. the conversation was about, literally, 4 seconds and it was conducted entirely in an emotionless, flat tone. it really sucked. i hate being like that to people. certainly i can have a chill to me that would make the arctic jealous, but i hate doing it. when i was talking to him, i didn't feel anything. so, it's official, i'm shut down when it comes to him. even times when i want to be hurt or something, i end up just walking away. my pain has morphed into anger, but even that's subsiding. now it's just a lack of interest. i don't want anyone in my life who could ever treat me the callous way he did. so.
it's sad to not only watch, but to feel genuine caring and love turn into numbness. it's sad to objectively see what we've become. it's sad to know that i will never let him back in and that he is out of my life. it's sad to know that as soon as i move from here, i will probably never see him again. it's just sad that someone who was so important to me, and who i trusted so much, is now so distant. it's necessary, for my own protection, and i don't want him or want to be with him, but it still makes me sad that this is the end to our story.
posted by badassed at
5:17 PM
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