i've been feeling really good lately. i'm a bit on edge for various reasons, but that's fine. i think i've almost completely rid my life of my ex...thank the Heavens and all of the saints. he's reached mosquito status. you generally don't remember he's around until he flies in your ear and then you just swat him away. he sort of got on my nerves the other day with his general lack of maturity, respect, and class combined. then i realized, much like a child, that even bad attention is still attention and i'm not interested in him or his silly games. he has no place in my life...not even as an annoyance. so, that's that.

everything has been good. i'm really nervous about a number of things. lots of it is in anticipation of things to come. i don't know how any of them will work out, if any at all, but i'm really hopeful. it's been a dangerously long time since i've looked forward to something...anything. for years, i've been playing it safe...well, my version of safe. i was talking with Andrea and she pointed out that what i'm afraid of the most is to take that leap. she's totally right. my leaps have fallen terribly short of my target. for a long time, i just stopped getting up.

i feel different. changed. hopeful.

[hey! i just found my stupid birth control pills. i lost these fuckers two days ago. i had spares, but they were running out and i had no idea where i put them. it doesn't really matter since i'm not sleeping with anyone, but still.]

i have all of these plans and i'm really excited about them. there's one major obstacle that needs to be overcome to get the rest of the plans on their way, but i'm optimistic. i'm really looking forward to moving. i've been wanting to get out of here for such a long time, but i've never known where i wanted to go. now that i've got a relatively permanent place in mind, i'm ready to do what needs to be done to accomplish what i want to accomplish. it's going to be rigorous. it's going to be complicated and hard. luckily, i thrive in those kinds of situations. i'm going to have to focus. i have almost no room for error. the stakes are really high, but if it all pans out in the end, it's going to be so worth it.

i guess, in a way, my ex did me a huge favor. because he was such a fucked up individual, i have almost no inclination to date. certainly not in this area. fuck all that. i feel too insecure and vulnerable to subject myself onto someone. i'm really no good. if there was a chance of something, i would want to come to it with more to offer than what i have. i'd want to come to it a better person. once i move to New Haven i will certainly be more inclined to date. the fact of the matter is that it doesn't really matter who comes along, right now, my ex fucked my head up so much that i'd only not trust in the relationship and find a way to sabotage it. it would be such a shame to waste such a perfect opportunity because of the baggage i have yet to shed. on the bright side, i'll be so focused on everything else that i wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship. so, i guess that's the plus.

i'm just really nervous. definitely a good nervous...but i kind of want to throw up.