life and respect
i was asked something today that i'd never really been asked before. i was asked what i wanted to do, in life. it wasn't the question. it was the way it was asked. it was asked as though i could do anything i wanted.
i know my gifts and my limitations. i know what i want to do. i've just never, really, thought i could do what i wanted. all i really want to do is take pictures. in a perfect world, i'd work for National Geographic as a photographer. it would marry my two great loves in life: traveling and photography. it's funny, when he asked me, i didn't say that. i said my usual answers: law and teaching at-risk youth. i really don't want to do either, but i feel compelled by my dad to do something that matters, that contributes back to society. photography doesn't really do that. it does, but not in the same way as working with kids does.
when i was younger, my great ambition was to create a school for inner city kids that taught law at the elementary level. i do think it's important that law be taught to kids, especially inner city kids, since they're the ones who have to deal with police most, from such an early age. the main snag i hit in that plan: i don't like cities. sort of a problem. i'm a country girl, through and through. i like my sprawling, grassy land. i like my wide, open skies. most importantly, i like my peace. i like the country. i appreciate what cities have to offer, but i need silence and calm. God knows, i'm bouncing off the walls all day, anyway, so i need to be able to come home and just be still. so, living in a city is probably the worse thing i could do to myself. that's most of the logic behind my move to New Haven. close enough to the city for it not to be a trek, but enough parks and grass to ease my country heart. so, i abandoned the school idea, once i recognized that about myself.
it's been ingrained so deeply in my mind that art isn't practical and that my life should be given to a noble cause. i do believe that. my dad has also stressed using your mind. you should never have a job that revolves around physical labor, because the body gets old and tired. your mind works forever, and if you keep it sharp enough, it can stay sharp for...well, at least, a lot longer than your hands. i know i'm smart. i know i'm, actually, really smart and quick, i just don't use it much. i always thought that i should use my mind to help people. i want to do something great and amazing with my life...even if it's only amazing to me. who knows? maybe photography could teach. maybe it could help people. i've just never been raised to believe that.
i was sort of thrown for a loop when i was talking to him. he made everything i said sound so obvious and possible. it was funny. i've never really experienced that. this guy is so funny. he smells my bullshit before i even know it's coming out of me. it's really...refreshing, actually. when i was talking about working with at-risk kids, instead of the normal "oh, yea, that great. that's good work" response, he looked at me and said, "have you ever worked with at-risk kids?" i know i don't want to spend my life trying to teach some bad-ass kids and deal with their piece of shit parents for the rest of my life...and so does he. i gave that answer because it usually shuts people up. it's so self-sacrificing and honorable that no one really argues it. he did. i respect that.
sometimes that man makes me want to sneak into his window, at night, and stab him in the eyeball with a fork. most of the time, though, i'm so grateful he's in my life. he commands a respect that i've only seen one other time and he challenges me...much of the time it's my patience...but i wouldn't have him any other way (well, maybe coupled with a well placed bruise or three). i could never tell him, though. the man lacks humility and i'd never hear the end of it. i definitely think that he's the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. he has rapidly become one of my simple pleasures in life...even though all we do is harass each other... and i delight in his company.
wow. all of that being said, i guess it's a good thing i never gave him my URL.
i know my gifts and my limitations. i know what i want to do. i've just never, really, thought i could do what i wanted. all i really want to do is take pictures. in a perfect world, i'd work for National Geographic as a photographer. it would marry my two great loves in life: traveling and photography. it's funny, when he asked me, i didn't say that. i said my usual answers: law and teaching at-risk youth. i really don't want to do either, but i feel compelled by my dad to do something that matters, that contributes back to society. photography doesn't really do that. it does, but not in the same way as working with kids does.
when i was younger, my great ambition was to create a school for inner city kids that taught law at the elementary level. i do think it's important that law be taught to kids, especially inner city kids, since they're the ones who have to deal with police most, from such an early age. the main snag i hit in that plan: i don't like cities. sort of a problem. i'm a country girl, through and through. i like my sprawling, grassy land. i like my wide, open skies. most importantly, i like my peace. i like the country. i appreciate what cities have to offer, but i need silence and calm. God knows, i'm bouncing off the walls all day, anyway, so i need to be able to come home and just be still. so, living in a city is probably the worse thing i could do to myself. that's most of the logic behind my move to New Haven. close enough to the city for it not to be a trek, but enough parks and grass to ease my country heart. so, i abandoned the school idea, once i recognized that about myself.
it's been ingrained so deeply in my mind that art isn't practical and that my life should be given to a noble cause. i do believe that. my dad has also stressed using your mind. you should never have a job that revolves around physical labor, because the body gets old and tired. your mind works forever, and if you keep it sharp enough, it can stay sharp for...well, at least, a lot longer than your hands. i know i'm smart. i know i'm, actually, really smart and quick, i just don't use it much. i always thought that i should use my mind to help people. i want to do something great and amazing with my life...even if it's only amazing to me. who knows? maybe photography could teach. maybe it could help people. i've just never been raised to believe that.
i was sort of thrown for a loop when i was talking to him. he made everything i said sound so obvious and possible. it was funny. i've never really experienced that. this guy is so funny. he smells my bullshit before i even know it's coming out of me. it's really...refreshing, actually. when i was talking about working with at-risk kids, instead of the normal "oh, yea, that great. that's good work" response, he looked at me and said, "have you ever worked with at-risk kids?" i know i don't want to spend my life trying to teach some bad-ass kids and deal with their piece of shit parents for the rest of my life...and so does he. i gave that answer because it usually shuts people up. it's so self-sacrificing and honorable that no one really argues it. he did. i respect that.
sometimes that man makes me want to sneak into his window, at night, and stab him in the eyeball with a fork. most of the time, though, i'm so grateful he's in my life. he commands a respect that i've only seen one other time and he challenges me...much of the time it's my patience...but i wouldn't have him any other way (well, maybe coupled with a well placed bruise or three). i could never tell him, though. the man lacks humility and i'd never hear the end of it. i definitely think that he's the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. he has rapidly become one of my simple pleasures in life...even though all we do is harass each other... and i delight in his company.
wow. all of that being said, i guess it's a good thing i never gave him my URL.
posted by badassed at
9:11 PM
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