foul mood
i'm in a shit mood. i've been having headaches for the past three days, but that's a)nothing new and b)a combination of stresses. in the past four years i've learned what soothes me. during the most disconnected and inconsolable time, i've become very aware of what works and what doesn't; gently pulling on my eyebrows, biting my thumbnail, tonguing my the tip of my thumb while slightly running my teeth on the nail, stretching, massaging my temples, caressing the palm of my hand. tonight i have tried most of them, some in combination, and i'm still tense.
swimming is my #1 soother. there's something amazing about total submersion; no noise, no pressure, no breath, nothing. swimming is the most instant way to shut the world up. underwater it's just me. nothing, literally, is weighing me down. even my hair is free. i feel most at peace underwater.
so, i tried that, but--so said the skinny dipping man-- the beavers were rather aggressive tonight. so, seeing as how they can bite through whole trees and it's dark, i didn't really want to take any chances with my legs.
classical music is next. the reason why classical music isn't first is because it requires me to listen. a lot of times when i'm like this, i need silence. classical music does have this Pavlovian effect on me, though. my dad has always used it to calm my brother and me down before bed. i was raised on Beethoven lulling me to sleep. this comes in particularly handy when i'm having wicked bouts of insomnia or just need to decompress.
i'm listening to some music now. currently, it's Bach's Air on G String. this is my absolute favorite piece. to me, it's what a heart breaking sound like.
the #3 main soother for me is driving. i enjoy it less living here. the roads are windier, there are more cops, and there's no open space. back at home, i could get on a road and drive with my eyes closed and be fine. there was nothing but open road for as far as the eye could see. i like the limitlessness of that. i like that freedom. i don't need a plan or directions. i don't have to concentrate that much. i can just drive. roll the windows down and let the wind whip my hair around, turn the radio up (or off), and drive. i miss that. everything up here is so enclosed. there are the farms, but there isn't that sense of freedom. driving at home gave me a sense of running away. i know i couldn't outrun my problems, but just for a little while i didn't have to think about anything...not even turns. hit 70 and drive to Kingdom City. take 63 to Ashville. take Brown Station Road to the middle of nowhere and turn around. you always knew the way home because there was only one road.
i tried driving, but i started to get lost and frustrated and that was counterproductive, so i came home and opted for #2.
i came home and turned out all of the lights. i lit some candles and took a shower. i do feel a bit better.
i've been stressed out about this Fri. i have a very busy couple of weeks ahead of me. that in and of itself is stressful, but tonight is not about that. i've been a bit concerned about this dinner thing. i know i'm being ridiculous, but as a girl it's my genetic right. i have this worry that no one will show up. like i said, i know i'm being ridiculous. i also seriously worry that someone won't show up...but that's something totally different.
in all honesty, that's only part of it. i read this article tonight that seriously pissed me off. it wasn't what it said, necessarily, it's that they didn't know better. i'll get into it more at a later date. i need to ruminate in it a bit more. i need to think it out and figure out why it's effected me like this and what exactly it says about me and about our society.
what i will say for now is that racism is in the nuances of life.
swimming is my #1 soother. there's something amazing about total submersion; no noise, no pressure, no breath, nothing. swimming is the most instant way to shut the world up. underwater it's just me. nothing, literally, is weighing me down. even my hair is free. i feel most at peace underwater.
so, i tried that, but--so said the skinny dipping man-- the beavers were rather aggressive tonight. so, seeing as how they can bite through whole trees and it's dark, i didn't really want to take any chances with my legs.
classical music is next. the reason why classical music isn't first is because it requires me to listen. a lot of times when i'm like this, i need silence. classical music does have this Pavlovian effect on me, though. my dad has always used it to calm my brother and me down before bed. i was raised on Beethoven lulling me to sleep. this comes in particularly handy when i'm having wicked bouts of insomnia or just need to decompress.
i'm listening to some music now. currently, it's Bach's Air on G String. this is my absolute favorite piece. to me, it's what a heart breaking sound like.
the #3 main soother for me is driving. i enjoy it less living here. the roads are windier, there are more cops, and there's no open space. back at home, i could get on a road and drive with my eyes closed and be fine. there was nothing but open road for as far as the eye could see. i like the limitlessness of that. i like that freedom. i don't need a plan or directions. i don't have to concentrate that much. i can just drive. roll the windows down and let the wind whip my hair around, turn the radio up (or off), and drive. i miss that. everything up here is so enclosed. there are the farms, but there isn't that sense of freedom. driving at home gave me a sense of running away. i know i couldn't outrun my problems, but just for a little while i didn't have to think about anything...not even turns. hit 70 and drive to Kingdom City. take 63 to Ashville. take Brown Station Road to the middle of nowhere and turn around. you always knew the way home because there was only one road.
i tried driving, but i started to get lost and frustrated and that was counterproductive, so i came home and opted for #2.
i came home and turned out all of the lights. i lit some candles and took a shower. i do feel a bit better.
i've been stressed out about this Fri. i have a very busy couple of weeks ahead of me. that in and of itself is stressful, but tonight is not about that. i've been a bit concerned about this dinner thing. i know i'm being ridiculous, but as a girl it's my genetic right. i have this worry that no one will show up. like i said, i know i'm being ridiculous. i also seriously worry that someone won't show up...but that's something totally different.
in all honesty, that's only part of it. i read this article tonight that seriously pissed me off. it wasn't what it said, necessarily, it's that they didn't know better. i'll get into it more at a later date. i need to ruminate in it a bit more. i need to think it out and figure out why it's effected me like this and what exactly it says about me and about our society.
what i will say for now is that racism is in the nuances of life.
posted by badassed at
10:38 PM
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