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i've decided that i'm going to have a title. i want to be canonized. i want to be April, Patron Saint of Suck.

i hate losing my optimism. it's such an integral part of who i am, but that shit is fading fast. i realize that it opens the door for me to be hurt and disappointed, but without hope, what do we have? i don't want to be that person, but she coming. i used to be genuinely nice and open. i used to be giving. i used to be brave.

the more things that happen the more i think i'm meant to be alone. i'm getting so fucked up, as time marches on, that i'm going to be no good to anyone. Andrea and i were talking and she was saying how she, a long time ago, realized that she was meant to be alone and she doesn't want any of the trappings of a relationship. so she's fine by herself. i'm not. i want those things. i want love. i want to get married and have kids and grow old with someone. i like the business of a relationship. i like its complexity and the balance. i like its difficulty and inner workings. i'm made to love. i'm made to take care of someone and love them and share a life with them. i'm just built like that.

i was so close...not to marriage or anything, but to having what i wanted for once. so fucking close. i've wanted him since April and was so close. i don't know what to do. i'm furious. i know it wasn't me. for once, i'm sure of that. i know what it was, for the most part. But there's something nagging within me. something is off. there's a distinct possibility that it could've been Travis. that is unacceptable. everything was falling into place...it was just falling on a fucking land mine.

i've been called a "happy hermit,"but i'm not happy. well, that's not totally true. granted, i do enjoy my solitude, but i also like options. at this point, i'm just used to it. the last few days i was with a friend of mine and, although it was nothing romantic, it was really nice to be around someone i genuinely liked and connected with. he certainly drove me crazy, but i didn't mind and i definitely returned in kind. i liked the feeling of waking up and knowing he was in the other room. i liked creeping around as to not wake him up. i liked taking him into consideration. i liked being around him.

that's what i want...but with someone who wants me. i don't think it's in the cards for me. my greatest fear is that i had it and lost it. a tragic twist of fate has doomed me to a life of solitude.

so what does it matter if there's another wall? i don't really know why i foolishly expected something different. why monkey with tradition? besides, it's important to have consistency in ones life.