lame

i am so fucking lame. i'm sitting here trying to write this email and it is slow fucking going.

in all honesty, it's way too soon to be trying to contact this person, but i know if too much time lapses, and he falls out of my routine, that it'll be twice as hard to get it back. so, i'm trying. i'm trying to salvage a friendship and i can't get this stupid email right. it just sounds so detached and cold. i'm going for "guarded," but it's sort of abrupt. maybe it's because i'm so used to speaking freely with him, that all of these walls are making it very difficult. it's like a path through the woods on your way home; you know it by heart, every dip, every branch, every turn. now, it's like my home is a war zone and the path leading me there is lined with land mines. i still know the way by heart, but i have to walk gingerly. it's all rather exhausting.

this email is lame. really, it's merely indicative of the entire situation, so, in a way, it's fitting that it sucks. i want to keep a moderate amount of contact, but i don't really want to engage in a conversation just yet. i don't want to give the impression that everything is fine and i don't want to give him false hope that we will be ok, when i'm undecided about whether or not i'll see him again. how do you toe that line?

the embarrassing thing is that the damn thing is only 4 lines long and the only thing i want to say is that i miss him. lame.