i'm out!

well, i leave for europe tomorrow. we're heading out around 11am to drive to boston for a 5pm flight. i think we'll have enough time, but you never know what's fallen apart with the big dig. so, we're not taking any chances. i still haven't packed and i have to do my hair, this is going to be short.

i'm so excited everything around me feels surreal. i think that's why i love photography. even if something doesn't feel real at the time or there's too much going on to focus and commit each moment to memory, i can capture that moment on film. this time tomorrow we'll be in paris. crazy.

sound advice

"don't internalize his fucked up mentality. believing his view of you is like looking at yourself through the eyes of a crazy person."

i was on the phone tonight with a friend of mine and she was asking my advice on meeting this guy --i'm so much better at dishing out advice than taking it. her last boyfriend was such a mindfuck for her. he was this pseudo-pious christian guy who would sleep with her, but then feel guilty about it later. naturally, she was concerned about repeating history with this new guy who is active in his church and i was trying to convince her to go for it. seriously, all it takes is for one supremely fucked up guy to ruin it for the rest of them. i mean, what is she supposed to do with that? here's your boyfriend who is forever feeling the need to repent for being with you. sort of starts to make you feel a little dirty and undesirable. i tried to tell her to not compare this new guy with her last, but, of course, that's impossible. she'll do it. she has to. it's natural. she's internalized his shame, which may have been at himself for being weak to the flesh, but it only looks like being ashamed of her.

i'm rather familiar with that feeling, unfortunately. my last boyfriend may have been the worst relationship i've ever had. not that the actual relationship was bad, but it was that he was not a very good person to me. that's what i get for dating a "nice" guy. fuck that. give me my assholes any day of the week. i generally only date assholes. not that i like the abuse, but at least they're honest. this guy was so Dudley Do-Right that he denied his own feelings for some mythical greater good. not that he had some great love for me --he didn't-- but had he been honest with himself and other people he would have made out better in the end, and i wouldn't have walked away from the situation scraping off the pond scum that oozed from his mouth.

he also had a Hero Complex, which is my favorite. it's that obnoxious need to be everyone's hero and never bearing to be the bad guy. the fact is that we are all bad guys to somebody, some more than others. so, there he is on the one hand making me feel increasingly filthy and unloved, while simultaneously --not being able to stand to see me in such pain-- telling me how wonderful i am. you can't have it both ways. that tends to do a number on a girl's heart and ego. which do you believe? that you're easily discarded or that you're incredible?

neither. you block the whole thing out because he's a liar. he's lying about being easily discarded and about being incredible. he rules both of the out simply by being there.

it's taken me the better part of a year to come to grips with the fact that he's crazy. it's not just that it makes me feel better --which it does--but it's true... and i'm not in the habit of listening to crazy talk.

it's a shame, too, because until him i never felt unworthy. guys come and go for various reasons and you learn to live with it and take each situation for what it is. after him, because i let my guard so far down and honestly believed that he wouldn't intentionally hurt me, i set myself up for the greatest fall. i understand that his lies were spinning out of control and he was trying to save himself, but to hear someone actively deny ever being with you is tough to take. it makes you feel...well, worthless. to look at a guy and to automatically assume that there's no way he'd like you is rough. but it wasn't just that, it was not that someone wouldn't like me, it was the feeling that they would be repulsed by me. that for one moment they'd be too drunk to know better, sleep with you, and spend the rest of the life blocking it out. i mean, i have my flaws, but i'm not a dog. there's no reason --especially considering my past conquests-- that i should think that about myself. that's what he thinks of me and as we have just discovered, he's crazy.

so, i hope my friend can get past her ex and not cut herself off from what could very well be a smart match. she deserves to have someone love her and treat her kindly and with respect.

i hope i can do the same.

Europa!

two weeks and counting. now that the tickets and the car are secured, i'm starting to get psyched about this trip. today i'm booking the hotels and tomorrow i'm getting my digital camera...i hope. ebay's a fickle little thing, you know. the auctions ends tomorrow, so we'll see.

i cut out of work early today to do this. there was not much for me to do and i have sick time, so.... my dad had a some great ideas for places to saty. we're driving, but it's a good idea to have a couple of hotels in place for a couple of stays. i know where i want to go, but didn't put that much input in it. even though this is "our" trip and i am doing all of the leg work, i still don't really feel like i have a whole lot of say. it's crazy, because i do, i just lack confidence. although, i did manage to sway him away from Bonsia and Serbia for the more safe and less ruined Hungary and a castle tour. so, that's cool. he had a couple of cool ideas for stops. well, we're spending the first two nights in Paris. partially to check the place out, but also to relax and plot our course. then we're going to spend Christmas in Rome --which is fucking amazing. what better place?-- and New Years in Vienna.

so, i have to book some hotels. i want to find a place in Rome that's close to Vatican city, so we can just walk there. what do they do for Christmas? just mass? i don't know, but it's going to be dope.

i'm starting to get giddy.