love

my brother just flew in from Spain for Thanxgiving tonight. i called him at my mom's. before he picked up the phone, i could already hear him say hello. there's this sort of breathiness in his voice when he talks on the phone. the one thing that i love most about him that few others get away with is his nicknames. being the oldest brother gives him special privileges when it comes to me. it's the kind of thing where everytime he calls me...uh, a nickname, it's sort of code for "i'll always look out for you." i love it. i like feeling protected like that. i think there are so many times in so many days that i feel completely exposed.

all of my siblings have my back, i know. i think 'Tief most actively and constantly has my back, but with Sim, it reminds me of a couple of times where i was too young, too hurt, and too girl to know what was going on and he looked out for me. i remember one time, right after my boyfriend died, i had no bearings on life itself and a friend of his who had always liked me thought that that was the perfect opportunity...seeing as how i was single and all...to make his move. anyway, the guy and i were in my room and Sim would knock on the door when --i shit you not--it "got too quiet" in there for his liking.

anyway, i called him tonight and he kept falling asleep on the phone. he'd been traveling for 15 hours, but wanted to humor me. so, he kept trying to stay awake, but then i'd hear these long pauses and i'd say, "Aasim. Aasim. Aasim." then he'd respond and try to recap the conversation to show he was listening. it was cute. eventually, i had him give the phone to mom. you gotta let people off the hook, ya know. i'm definitely taken care of by the men in my life --Shawn included, which is why i loved him so much...which is also why i have trouble finding a boyfriend. high standards. i don't need to be coddled, but i need a security blanket. the thing with knowing you have people there for you means you don't have to be so cautious. not that you should constantly fuck up because you know there are people who'll clean up your mess, but it makes life a little freer. knowing you have the safety net is everything.

i have a lot of friends who are only children and they're fine. i know that being an only child is their reality so it's not that big of a deal. i just couldn't imagine my life without my brothers and sister. there's something comforting about knowing that there is, at least, one place on earth where people get your jokes and love you anyway.

for instance:
i was talking with Atief tonight about Ghostbusters. the conversation went a-little sumthin' like this:

me: i'm watching Ghostbusters and everytime i see these special effects all i hear is "beep-beep-beep-beep," because they're off the hook.

Atief: (laughs)wow. wait. man that was wack, but it was funny.

me: oh, good. yea, i was hoping that it'd do a little turn around.

Atief: did you just make that up?

me: yea, i just thought of it and decided to try it out on you.

Atief: nice.

see, with siblings, you're never in danger of losing cool points...you never had those bitches to begin with.

on Fred Durst

andrea: who said he could act?
me: his creditors.

dreams

the past two nights i've had the most realistic and involved dreams.

two nights ago i dreamed about Josh Primm. oh, Josh, how i love thee. that man will forever embody "beautiful man" to me...as i'm certain he does with a whole wealth of women. though, i love his so, i don't dream about him very often. i, honestly, don't think about him very often unless the topic of beautiful men comes up --or i'm with Sarah-phim--so it was a little odd to have an entire dream wrapped around him...and with no sex. what's that about? we were all "in love" in a "relationship." what a waste of a dream. that's great. i spend an entire night feeling emotionally connected to a man i haven't seen in a solid decade. damn. man, look, that's what the realm of dreams is for. if i can't have hot, kinky, NC-17 sex with him there --since i have no idea where he is in waking life-- where can i?

the dream last night was way less hot...seeing as how it starred my brother. Atief and i are in an auditorium and we're taking a test. the fucked up thing is that test was, apparently, important to me-- since i was stressing the fuck out-- but the question was to name 14 Ja Rule songs and i only came up with 2. what sucked is that everyone around me was getting up and leaving and milling about, and i still couldn't get past "Put It On Me." so, 'Tief's there and he's getting in some fight with a bunch of people and this girl. so, the girl calls to me to back my brother off. i get up there and get right in her face. i'm all up in her grill asking her what she thought was going to happen. did she think i wasn't going to have his back? she and her crew leave and i'm left trying to come up with some damn Ja Rule/ Ashanti duet. what makes that dream so strange is that neither Atief nor i are fighters. i may be more willing to fight than he is, and i'm certain we've both had a couple, but we're not the all-up-in-your-face type. and a test about Ja Rule songs? man, i should've been embarrassed if i could come up with 14. i would've passed that test, but i would've failed the cool test.

boundries

where is the line between ignorance and IM-speak?

for instance, is this anyway to approach a girl online?

"Was Looking by and found ur Beautiful and awesome Profile and decided to Holla U to see maybe we have nice things to talk about.I'll Like to herabackfrom U."

i don't know. maybe it is. it's a combination of the inappropriate use of capitals and the writing out of "awesome," but the use of the "U."

the other one i got was this guy and, aside from Laffy Taffy being the song on his profile which turned out to be the least of his problems, he spelled "many" "meany." i checked to see if he was from a different country, and he wasn't. maybe i'm being too critical. maybe i'm just a bitch.

or maybe, i'm appropriately selective. yea, i like that better.