adventures in being home

i love coming home. it really is only when you've left that you can really appreciate it.
i stepped off of the plane to 75 degree weather. oh, man.there was a strong, warm wind and the sun was shining. now, that is a welcome home fo' ya.

my favorite thing about coming home is black people. everywhere. i don't think i've ever been happier to see gold fronts in my life. cornrows...yea, now that's what i'm talking about. the same thing happened the last time i lived overseas in '98. i flew from warsaw to chicago and after 6 months in ukraine the first thing i saw when i got off the plane was this black guy with the craziest afro. i think i almost cried. i love black people. such beautiful creatures...yes, even...well, not Lil' Jon, but you know what i mean. ye-yah! what? ok!

there are 12 people living in this house and under normal circumstances i would've gotten a hotel room or something. 4 teenagers, Je-sus Cristos! but tonight it is exactly what i need. i think the best moment was when my younger cousin, who is very quiet and shy, came up behind me and just wrapped his arms around me. i was on the phone with my mom and she was freaking out because i was there. he didn't say a word. he just stood there hugging me until i got off the phone and gave him a proper hug. it's things like that...the unspoken things... that matter the most. when you're comfortable enough with people to where words are pointless, that's what i miss.

i was trying to surprise my mom for her birthday and the trip was right on track. i left MA, after a nice breakfast, with plenty of time to make my plane. we landed ahead of schedule. my friend picked me up from the airport with almost no problems. we went out to eat and had a good time. we drove back to my house and didn't hit a lot of traffic, especially, considering it was 5pm. i made it back to my house and was all set to surprise my mom when...she wasn't home. apparently she had a meeting at the mosque and had just left. my stepdad came home and was shocked. he said, "oh! i didn't know you were coming in." i told him that no one did. anyway, so my mom ended up calling to tell him that she was on her way home when he says, "oh, i think there's someone here you'd like to talk to." thanks benjamin. it was cool, though. my mom started screaming on the phone. she threatened to spank me for not telling her i was coming. she always tries to threaten us with spankings. what makes it so funny is that i'm her youngest at 27 and all four of us are bigger than her. ah, my mother...she's so cute.

slowly the house started to trickle in from their previous destinations and it was so good. my uncle came in...wild as ever. i think my uncle may be one of my favorite simple pleasures. seeing everyone and talking and yelling over people and having a good time was ...well, home. i've often told people that in order to fully understand who i am you have to see me within the context of my family. you think i'm loud? talk to my aunt. you think i'm silly? talk to my mom. you think i'm out of my fucking mind? talk to my uncle. it's nice to be in my element again.

my aunt was just telling my 16 yr. old cousin that she had to get off the phone because it was past her bedtime.i looked at her and said, "you have a bed time? ah-ha!" made a pterodactyl noise, flapped my arms, and left of the room. she just laughed and said, "you're so silly" and went back to reading the comics. 4 teenagers and one phone line. i don't know what they're thinking. i was waiting for my aunt to get off of the phone to call my friend i'm going to see tomorrow and no sooner does she get off then her daughter gets on. finally she gets off, i go to pick up the phone and i hear my other cousin on the phone. goddamn! ah, adventures in being home. how i dig it.

and still

two days shy of five years gone and still i reel. strange how the little things creep up on you and suddenly you're transported to another time and place. where thoughts were coherent and pure. safe. once. two days shy of five years and the sutures are ripped apart by memories and information. but, we'll never really know. there is only one definite and that's forever. and it stays with you. not like an albatros, lumbering and heavy. more like a lisp. it just becomes part of who you are. not exactly bad, but certainly not good. it just is. somedays i forget. those are good days. other days i remember...sometimes too much. it's a fine line to toe and i'm no longer graceful. i've tried to tip-toe through the minefield of my mind and tonight, i've misstepped. pick them up. stack them. wrap them in cellophane. put them somewhere safe.

repression is mans last, and most wonderous, line of defense.

i go home to see you knowing you're not there. but it's tangible. it helps me remember, because i never want to forget. somedays i forget. those are bad days. i work to remember...because it's important. i walk straightforwardly through the minefield of my mind...so be it. dust. sand. blood. shrapnel. makes no difference. it is through there i get to here and here is where you are. so, this is where i want to be.

love is the most profound, and lasting, thing in the world.

happy easter and hip hop

i love my girls! who else is going to call you up and say, " yo, happy easter, nigga." no one. we are all so silly.

last week i asked cuz who originally said the line, "said he liked my necklace, started relaxin'. now that's what the fuck i call a chain reaction." we thought it was old school like Big Daddy Kane or something. we ruled out the way back because heads weren't cussing back then. even Lodi Dodi was clean. Snoop was the one that said, "we're just some niggas that's on the mic." Slick Rick said, "we're just some men that's on the mic." anyway, so we talked about it for awhile and decided that it may be more recent than we thought. we narrowed it down to Biggie or Jay-Z. i figured Biggie, because Jay-Z's...well, not that smooth. Biggie's that smooth...that's a slick rhyme. anyway, so cuz calls me up and breathlessly wants me to remind her which line it was. apparently, in the past week, she's been obsessed with finding out who did it. so she called me up to tell me she "may have a lead on who said it." i had asked her because she's an old school head. i figure this is nagging her because she thinks she should know this off top.

i love my girls. i love that they get as obsessive as i do.

movies on tv

i was flipping through the channels in my endless quest to do anything but my hair and i saw Titanic... but it was a commercial. then i realized it was wasn't a movie channel. i thought, "isn't that movie a bit long to be interrupted by commercials?" the answer is yes. 7-11pm. that's entirely too much time to dedicate to a movie on any given day. then i laughed thinking about the day they put lord of the rings on tnt or something. lord help us. that movie's going to play from 6pm-12am. some things are best left to dvd.

flabbergasted

i'm still in shock. i'm sitting here with my mouth gaping open. i just can't...i mean, i...i'm stunned. ok, so there's this group, The Decemberists. i really dig them. i saw them a last year for the first time in concert and then the lead singer, Colin Meloy, on a solo tour last month. i bought their new album today and have been listening to it non-stop. anyway, i just went to their website http://www.decemberists.com and was reading their "news" section. apparently, someone stole their touring trailer with just about every piece of equipment they had inside. the cops eventually found the trailer and everything was gone except a box of t-shirts and some cds.

i mean, that's horrible! can you imagine being a band and being on tour and having all of your musical instruments stolen? not just that, but anyone who's ever heard the Decemberists music knows, they use a variety of instruments. that's one of things that makes them so amazing. i can't believe it. that's terrible. i love this band. fuckers! the band has a link on their post of a list of the shit stolen...you wouldn't believe how much shit is gone and how much it cost. unbelievable.

well, for those of you who didn't know, forgot, and care, you can either go to the website and donate there :www.decemberists.com/fund.html or you can send a check payable to The Decemberists at:
The Decemberists
PO Box 14772
Portland, OR 97293

so very lame. however, what a way to really show a group that you love what they do and are willing to directly contribute to the continuance of their great music.

excited

i'm pretty excited today. i have a lot of things to do, but i'm going home. it all started because i didn't know what to get my mom for her birthday. so, i decided to go home and surprise her. she still doesn't know. i have a number of coherts in the house and my friend is picking me up from the airport. i'm really excited to see her and my family. i'm also super excited to see flat land. i love the mountains, but i crave the plains. i have to get my apartment in order before i go, though...and there's a lot to do.

it worked out really well. a friend of mine, up here, has two days off of work and they happen to be the days i'm leaving. so she's taking me to the airport and picking me up. i'm just excited to go home. i'm going to go back to my hometown and see my friend who just got out of the hospital. i need to stop by my house and i can't wait to see it. it sucks that my dad's going to be out of town. it would've been really nice to see him. even still, just to be home again, even if it's for a moment, is so good.

it's also going to be nice to take a few days off of work and just relax. i'm hot to get away from here and be around people who know and love me. the people up here appreciate me, but they don't love me and that's a big difference. it'll be a nice change.

what?

"Many of those supporters are making parallels between Ms. Schiavo and Jesus, describing "the passion of Terri" as Easter approaches."

grasping at straws.

i must admend my earlier statement...i like the terri schiavo case for a couple of reasons:

1.it's showing the right "faith-based" community that their politics and influence have limits. i dig that.

2.it's showing that the bush family has limits too.

i think i really like it being in florida and the bushes not getting what they want. since 2000, i've been waiting for someone to just tell them no. i think with all of these movements in washington and talks of the state of florida, ie. jeb bush, taking custody of her that it's pissed off the courts. there was a statement today by Judge Greer that summed this up, "the executive branch is not superior in the area of judicial matters."

there's been a trend of the bush family stepping in and throwing weight around when things are not going in their favor. it's high time these insolent kids had a time out.

i surrender

o.k. i give up. i surrender. i've been frontin' really hard that i haven't been reading this guys' blog. i have. i have since he gave it to me...i think the next day i went. i've been frontin' primarily because he hates me. well, that's not entirely accurate. he certainly doesn't like me, but he loves to fuck with me. so, i decided that i'd let him believe that he's really not worth my time or energy to check out his blog. this has been going on for awhile.

however, his last few entries i can't take. they're entirely too funny. here's the thing. his name is michael schiavo. no, not the florida guy. a completely different dude who has dumb fucking luck. anyway, people have been writing him thinking...even still after being told differently...that he's the husband of terri schiavo. seriously, this is some funny shit. dude is in the red with patience.

without further adieu, i give you:http://www.michaelschiavo.blogspot.com/

p.s. his poems aren't half bad either.

terri schiavo...among other things

i must say that i'm pretty sick of hearing about this woman. it's not that i'm hard-hearted or cruel...it's just...enough. in a way, i sort of like how this is playing out. i think america and its government are overdue for a long, hard lesson of minding its own business.

when i was 15 and lived in odessa, ukraine, a number of my friends were from jordan and other middle eastern countries. the number one problem they had with america is that it doesn't mind its own business. my friends would stress that civil wars and other problems going on in other countries were their own problems. i tend to agree....genocide excluded. the reason i agree is primarily because i'm sick of seeing american imperialism, particularly with this admistration, spread in the name of moral superiority. more importantly, though, is that we would never have stood for another nation interfering with our policies and livelihood the way we do the rest of the world. just think of how many military bases we have all over the world and how many nations have bases in this country? i'm really over that. especially, being someone who has, and will continue, to travel the way i do. it pains me to see how close we all really are and how truly universal the human condition is and how we, as a nation, are seperating ourselves.

i guess, this terri schiavo case is good because, fundamentally, it's a private case. it's really none of our business. all of these people writing letters to the family members need to shut the hell up. this preoccupation we have with being right and morally superior has worn very thin on my nerves. the presumption that we know what's best for a pure stranger is ludicrous. the only way that it becomes even remotely our business is if the government gets involved...which it has. that takes the case from being a private, heart-wrenching, family matter to a political platform and that's...at best...reprehensible. i was particularly amused that bush flew up from texas to sign "terri's law." a law that starts out, "S.686: An Act for the relief of the parents of Theresa Marie Schiavo." the president of the united states of america flew back to washington, d.c. to sign one law? for this one family? that's just so telling as to how big of a political monster this has become.

even still, people need not write the family members. that's just sick. berating families for views you don't agree with, especially during such a clearly painful, and now public, ordeal, is...cold.

the thing that i find most interesting about this whole situation is that it is EVERYWHERE. nevermind that a kid at Red Lake Indian Reservation in Minnesota went on a killing spree that the NYT described as "the worst at a school since 15 people were killed at Columbine High School near Littleton, Colo., in 1999..." (find the article here:http://www.nytimes.com/2005/03/22/national/22shoot.html). 1o people were killed. did anyone even know about this? i've seen almost no coverage. did anyone know that a man was just convicted in texas of involvement in a smuggling ring that killed 19 illegal immigrants? there's a virus in angola that has killed 95 people since october. is there life less important? are any of these peoples lives less important?

i just don't understand. i mean, i understand. i understand that votes and political power are at stake. special interest ammunition is at stake. i know that questions of morality, pro-life, and assisted suicides are on the table. i understand that. here's what the coverage of terri schiavo implies...no ONE is important...only issues. no one gives a shit about the school shooting because it was on an indian reservation. it's just not as jarring as white suburbia. no one cares about 19 dead people because they were illegal immigrants. no one cares about angola because it's not america. there's nothing politically to be gained from these cases.

this distinction of importance of life has nagged me with the scott peterson trial, as well. i just don't understand what makes one person worth national coverage. was it because she was pregnant? maybe it was because she was pretty? white? what? maybe wealth. i understand it more when celebrity trials are all over the place. michael...yea, we know why. rich people...sure. it's always interesting when people who seem to have it all lose it. it's envy and the insufferable "crabs in a barrel" part of us that drives that obsession. random other people, though, i don't get. kidnappings and molestations, car accidents and murders, who chooses what cnn covers and why? maybe the peterson trial was all the rage because she was dismembered. if it bleeds it leads...if body parts are missing even better? i don't know. what i do know is that poor people generally aren't covered. ugly people aren't either. fat...forget about it. people of color...not a chance...unless they're the defendant and i'm tired of it.

oh michael

oh michael...what happened? the love we shared...the beautiful music you once gave to my soul. where have you gone? how did this all go so horribly wrong? i feel so sad and lost without you. the connection we had is broken forever and i weep inside for you. a loss so profound shakes me to my very foundation. my cries reverberate in my empty soul. so complex and talented, your genius was beyond comprehension. you filled my world with the sound of your magical voice, but you are gone. now, there's a stranger where you once stood. an imposter. it grieves me to see you lost to me...to the world. you were so sweet and so strong.

now? now...you're a noseless, white woman. it pains me.

be easy

i've had a really good day today. perhaps my earlier blog wouldn't lend you to that impression, but i have. i've been really irritated for a long time. actually, i wasn't irritated. i was hurt and i felt discarded. even though i knew it wasn't intentional, it almost didn't matter. it was still painful and, quite frankly, made me feel like nothing. the worse thing in the world is to be irrelevant. yea...it hasn't been a good look for me for a long time. anyway, things are looking up.

the last two days have been emotionally taxing, but not devastating...well, there was one...maybe two crying spells, but that's all. it's been good. i'm starting to get over him and become better with everything. more than anything, i'm getting acclimated with being alone again. by no stretch of the imagination do i like it, but i don't really have any other choice. i'm certainly not going to stay angry and become bitter and vindictive. so, the only other option is acceptance...which is serious elephant balls. i so dig him. it's also balls that i see him damn near every day. that shit is t-rex balls.

i'm better, though. i'm beginning to finally put him and other things into perspective. the toughest challenge is balance. how do you push away the only person you want near you? the answer: sheer will and self-preservation. so, we're friends... ugh, the dreaded friends. i'm just not willing to not have him in my life. it's not an option. it's not because i see him all of the time or some other random thing. trust me, icing someone out of my life is not difficult for me. the only time it is difficult is when they're important to me...as he has become. i don't know. it's more than that we were once together. there's something else...more fundamental about us. we really are kindred spirits. sure, he's a dick, but i'm difficult. there have been many...oh so many...times and reasons to never speak to each other again, but neither of us are willing to let the other one go so easily. it's really quite sweet and profound. i know i certainly haven't been a picnic for him, but he persists and he tries so hard. if nothing else, i'm teaching the man patience.

i guess i'm finally coming to understand...a great many things. most importantly is that we're going to be just fine.

bastards abound

so, i still haven't been able to play this Jet cd. i disabled autoplay, thinking i could work around it and play it manually...no go. at this point it's not even about the music. i could give a fuck what's on the cd. i'm just pissed off that it's being such a shameless bastard. fuck computers! i'm going back to tape decks and carbon copies.

speaking of bastards, i was talking to my brother and he was telling me about how the beastie boys have a new album that has a virus on it to track your movements with their cd. maybe this is old news to people, but i googled it and it's true. it's illegal in the US and the UK, but in other parts of the world it's allowed. i found an article at: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/06/23/beastie_boy_cd_virus/. it's really lame. i have a few things to say:

1. who the fuck's going to buy the beastie boys anyway? they haven't been cool since 1984. the last good song they did was that intergalactic song, which i liked because i could do the robot to it. aside from that song, on that album, who cares? i must confess i've never been a beastie boy fan. they always seemed so corny to me.

2. once i buy something, it's mine. i don't think anyone has any rights to it. it's sort of like buying a puppy for someone, but you keep it at your house. it's just lame. if i buy a cd and i want to make 1000 copies of it and give it away, i can. i'm not going into business off of pirated music. i'm sharing the wealth. maybe my morality is flexible, but i think if i put down the money for the cd, then it's mine to do as i please.

3. you can't gear a society to become dependant upon computers and then make things inaccessible to their computers. it's like making highways, building gas stations, and creating speed limits, but making driving illegal. it makes no sense. so, here we are, forced to become computer savvy and everything...essentially groomed to have our lives revolve around our computers... and i can't download my cd on my computer to pick and choose what i listen to and make playlists at my leisure. balls.

maybe i'm just being the mad rapper, but really, beastie boys, "who the fuck is you?"

i wonder if the beastie boys think they're still cool. just because VH1 asks you to do a panel show on hip-hop during Feb doesn't mean you're cool. they had young MC on their too. and? and what?

summer music

the thing i love most about the coming of summer is summer music. for some reason i don't like winter hip-hop/rap. maybe because niggas are crusty in the wintertime and the music reflects it. i was talking to one of my girls last night and we were talking about this song "slow down" by bobby valentino. it's a really good song. well, it has a dope beat. we were decided what makes that song so hot is that you can do any dance to it. you get your two step on. you can be fly and sexy to it. you can be leaning on the bar nodding your head with a drink in hand. it's a very versitile beat. not demanding at all on the listener. there are so many summer songs that i love to dance to. maybe i'll make a comprehensive list later. right now, here are my top 5 summer jams:

1. Lean back- Terror Squad...that song is so fucking hot. you have to sweat the line, "said he liked my necklace, started relaxing. now that's what the fuck i call a chain reaction."

2. Beautiful- Snoop Dogg and Pharell. I challenge anyone stay crusty to this song.

3. Slow Down- Bobby Valentino...see above.

4. Lose My Breath- Destiny's Child. The song is fairly generic, but that beat is off the hook.

5. Girls Dem Sugar - Beenie Man. Man! talk about a song that requires loose hips and rhythm. in the club, in the car, in the shower, in brooklyn with my girls, there's no place i won't dance to this song. this song is strictly for the grown and sexy.

Runner Up: Never Leave- Lumidee...this shit is strictly nostaglic. me and massandje blazing down the Bruckner with the windows rolled down clapping and singing at the top of our lungs.

confession: i'm a sucker for songs with lots of clapping and complicated beats. it sort of reminds me of hand jiving when i was a kid. Lumidee and Jo-jo's "Baby It's You" fall square into this category.

p.s. if you don't know these songs...get familiar.

technology

what ever happened to just putting a cd in your computer and playing it? a friend of mine sent me the Jet cd. i think what is annoying me so much is that i think i only like a couple of songs on their damn album. so i put the cd in the drive and it gives me the option for autoplay...except it never plays anything. so, not being completely clueless with computers, i try to right click to open the files in winamp...except i don't have that option. i then go to open the folder to highlight and right click the tracks...except they don't have a track listing. well, what the fuck am i supposed to do? it won't automatically play the cd and i can't manually play it. what the fuck good is it? i thought computers and technology were supposed to make our lives easier, more efficient. i know that necessity is the mother of invention, but i think, at this point, it's just boredom.

rrrraaaarrrrr!!!!!

rrrraaaaarrrrrr!!!!!

ah, that feels better. i'm so full of crazy energy. actually, my head feels like it's going to explode...in a good way. maybe it's because the day was fairly warm. with all of this snow, those rays immediately warm my soul. really, it makes me think about this summer and how often i'm going to go swimming and the number of books i'm going to read while sunbathing. i'm not really a fan of summer. i love autumn most of all. however, all of this snow and below zero windchills have given me a newfound appreciating for it. plus, i can't wait to take midnight swims in the ice cold lake and those hot, summer nights.

so, it's St. Patrick's Day...am i a loser for not really caring? a bunch of people i know are getting rip shit drunk, which, let's be honest, i don't need a holiday to do. all i need is my girls, nyc, and good music. i didn't wear green, either. honestly, i forgot. a friend of mine pinched me and mused that she had some green fingernail polish in her car if i wanted to put some on to avoid future pinchings. i told her that i might...i'd paint both my middle finger nails. she laughed. i never got around to it, though. last year, i went to a parade and took pictures and bought weird green things and a cool green boa. the year before that i went to nyc to see the parade there. the problem with that time, though, was that i was staying with my girl in brooklyn and we both love to sleep. so the parade started at 11am and we didn't get on the train until about 1. so, by the time we got there, we were just watching jersey high school bands and shit. it was still fun.

hopefully next year i'll be all into it again.

in the meantime... to all of you out there getting pissy drunk and having a good old irish time, i salute you!

midwest girl in a new england town

i've decided that this place is not good for me. i think i'm going to stay here until i graduate...which won't be for a little while...but after that, i'm outta here. i'm not sure if i'm going to stay in new england or what. i doubt i'll move back to the midwest. my brother wants to move out to california and i think that a little sand and whole lot of sun may be just what i need. i don't know. like i said, it'll be awhile. maybe it depends on where i got to grad school. i just need something else.

i've noticed that i've become extremely moody up here. i'm really not a moody person. obviously, things annoy me and shit, but i wouldn't really call myself moody. my sister...moody. me? i try to keep an even tone. such is not the case lately.

i've realized that up here everyone wants to talk about their feelings. there's a tone that you should really feel whatever's going on inside and blah, blah, blah. i'm entirely capable of expressing myself, but i also come from the land of repression and i'm ok with that. i really, really, don't like to talk about a lot of things. i still deal with them, i'm just not that open. to a select few, i'm completely open...to the rest of the world...no fucking go. i pride myself on my composure and self control. by no stretch of the imagination am i a raw nerve. i don't know. i'm just a very private person and i've found that a lot of people don't respect that. they want to dig and prod and extract things i'm not willing to part with. in all honesty, nothing has prompted this blog. no one irritated me or pissed me off. i was just in a bad mood and relize that that's been going on a lot lately and it's time to investigate this. i was talking to my brother and he said that he feels the same way. i said we should come with a warning label that says "Caution: Heermance inside." i don't want to be an open book. i like having my secrets.

i think the funny thing about all of this is that for a place that claims to be so in touch with themselves, which they seem to think will lead to self-discovery and eventual inner peace, there are a lot of very unhappy people here. i don't know if apathy's the new thing, but i'm not into it. i'm really quite an insufferable optimist. i like being happy. i like looking forward to things...even silly things. it's the silly small things that make this all worthwhile. it's that moment when you've been inside all day and the first warm rays hit your face and you just smile. moments like that are what should be celebrated. here, ridicule and indifference are celebrated. biting wit and one-upsmanship is par for the course. i can do these things...and rather well, but the point is that i don't want to.i mean, not to sound like a hippie, but...you know what, fuck that, i do mean to sound like a hippie. sure they sort of stink, and i'm really not a fan of patchouli, but there's nothing wrong with just appreciating each other and loving ourselves. where's the crime in hope? what's wrong with self esteem? i don't mean cockiness. i mean knowing your worth. i don't see why these things aren't embraced. of course, there's the possibility of failing. of course things may not always work out in the end, but fuck it. failed action is better than inaction. all we have is trying. you never know what great things can come if you never try it. trust me, i've certainly had my share of heartbreak and embarrassment, but it's all worth it in the end. i could never be as strong as i am if i didn't put myself out there to fall.

i guess i'm in a really comtemplative mood and these are the things that have been running through my mind.

i'm really strange

i've accepted that i'm a strange girl. i've been strange forever. i think part of me feels like it weeds the chumps out. if you can't deal with my weirdness then we can't be friends. i'd like to think it's part of my charm. i'm pretty fucking random and my mind can go on the trippiest tangents...but this is who i am. what can i say? i'm quite peculiar...and i wouldn't want me any other way.

all of that being said, i have the most bizarre visions. not visions in a John Edwards sort of way, but when your imagination gets away from you. i'll imagine something and think, "man! that'd be really fucked up if that really happened." in the past two days, i've had some ants in my apt. i think b/c it was warm for awhile and then it got bitterly cold, so they needed a place to go. i don't know. it doesn't matter. what matters is that i bought some of those ants things where they take the posion back to the colony and it wipes them out. honestly, i felt sort of bad about doing it, but i also don't like ants. so, i came home from work today and saw all of these little ant corpses on my floor and really sort of felt sorry for them. i went to my cabinet and opened it to get a glass and i imagined this giant mother ant lying in wait for me; intent on revenge for her fallen children. i stopped for a second and thought, "man. that'd be fucked up. i watch entirely too many horror movies."

it also reminds me of this time in high school. i got into this car accident b/c i hit a slick spot under the bridge where I-70 and 63 meet. i hit the guardrail and ricochet off into this grassy area next to the onramp. in the process my airbag popped out (not before i hit my head on the windshield, however). now, i've never smelled a deployed airbag before and it smelled like burning. so...because i love action films and have seen a fucking lot of them...naturally i thought my car was going to explode. so, at 1am i'm in 10 degree weather with no shirt (i let my brother borrow it) and only a jacket on, i jump out of my moving car into the snow and cover my head and wait for the inevitable... except that it doesn't happen. my car's just sitting there with the drivers' door wide open in the grass, running with the lights on.

it's things like that that makes me...an original. for better or worse, you're certainly never going to find another me.

Rock On!

so, i went grocery shopping last week. actually, it was the same day as this huge snow storm we had. anyway, i went shopping...because i'm retarded...and bought a whole bunch of mixers. one of my bags broke, but i didn't notice until i was inside and saw that one of my mixers was missing. i figured it fell in the snow and was either buried or someone ganked it. either way it was only $2 so, i certainly wasn't going back out into the storm for $2. so i let it go.

i just got home a few minutes ago and, as i was walking up to the outside door of my apt. building, i saw the mixer peeking out of the snow. it was so covered it took two days of sun to melt the snow enough to expose it. i know i've walked on it a few times b/c that's the way i go in and out of my place. hi-larious! so, i have all of my mixers now. how seredipitous is that? i'm telling you, i'm having the best week ever. i'm all about this.

just to see your face

i recently got back in touch a man very dear to me and i've found that it really is the simple pleasures in life that make it all worthwhile. just to go to my myspace account and see his picture under my "friends" list is so...soothing, actually. just to know that he's not floating out there in the ether somewhere, but back in my life is pretty fucking cool.

japanese films are fucked up

wow! i just got back from my friends' house where we watch Battle Royale. It's this Japanese foreign film that was so profoundly fucked up...funny, but fucked. the premise is, essentially, that every year there is a class chosen from a random high school to be drugged, tagged, and set loose on a deserted island. there can be only one winner. every student is given a rucksack that contains food, water and a weapon. it can be an uzi or it can be the top of a pot. so that's fucked up enough. what makes it even worse it that they all have these collars on that monitor their positions and pulse rate. so, when the head guy announces danger zones and shit, he also calls out, in order, the people who have died since the last announcement. so very messed up.

the movie was actually really funny. funny in that "damn! that was fucked up" way. i think the best moments in the movie are when the kids lose sight of what's really going on and get into fights about stupid things, like crushes, and start killing each other. the absolute best ones are the kids that get sucked into high school politics and start killing kids who wouldn't let them in their cliques or who stole someones' boyfriend. yea, it was so messed up...yet, highly identifiable. it sort of reminded me of buffy. the themes in the show were universal, but the metaphors were true in sunnydale. so, like, in one episode there was this clique of boys and something happened and they turned into wolves and hunted in packs...as we have all seen high school boys do down the hall looking for girls/ trouble/ whatever. most people think that high school was hell, and in sunnydale it was actually over the hellmouth. so that's the stuff that makes it funny in the end. battle royale functioned the same way.

japanese foreign films are fucked up. i love foreign films and have seen a great number of them. i don't think i've ever seen so many messed up movies come from one country. the obvious ones are Ju-On/ the Grudge and Ringu/ the Ring. a friend of mine wanted me to watch The Audition. man! that movie is just fucking sick. i don't know what it is, maybe the whole island has mass cabin fever and is going crazy, i don't know. all i know is that i haven't seen a japanese movie yet that isn't crazy. i've seen fucked up movies, but these are on a whole other level. to be honest, it's kinds of cool that they're so sick. you know, exploring all aspects of human nature and shit, but some of these movies just make me think, "who the fuck thought this shit up?" maybe it's my preconcieved hollywood dictated notion of what a movie should be or...but it's not that. trust me, with movies, i certainly can think outside of the box. these movies are...an experience.

so maybe, if there's someone out there who knows of some not-so-fucked-up japanese movies, you can let me know. there have to be some comedies or something out there. obviously there are action/ samauri/ fighting movies and stuff, but other than those genres, i'd like someone to let me know. i'm just getting into japanese films and, so far, they're not too promising. don't get me wrong, i've liked the movies i've seen. they are just seriously demented.

all of that being said, i highly recommend people rent Battle Royale...so twisted.

the shit i get away with

i just set up this blog page and the URL is badassed.blogspot.com. how are you going to let me get away with that? i'm essentially a 3 year old child just pushing limits. it's great! badassed...that's funny. i'm thinking about posting old MySpace blogs on here. i'm thinking about it. i might be really tedious, so maybe i'll do it when i get home from the store. how exactly is it that it's March mid-march and there's like 3 feet of snow? good thing i like winter. whee!