bad form

my brother, Atief, is my grounding force. without him, i'd be floating aimlessly in space losing my goddamn mind, humming David Bowie, sucking on the stems of flowers trying to taste God. i love him more than anyone in this world and i trust him above all others. he'll let me know when i'm making sense and when i'm about to buy a one-way ticket on the Chumpville Express.

he called me today and i told him about this guy and his cold response to my invitation. i told him partially to make sure i wasn't over reacting. once i got home today i started having the worse cramps and so i wanted to make sure i wasn't being overly sensitive. he told me no and that the only thing that could excuse his behavior is if he was borderline autistic and couldn't pickup on social clues. he told me, "the next time you talk to him, make up some 8 digit number and ask him if it's prime. if he responds quickly then maybe you can cut him some slack." i told him that i wished...had i not been so stunned...that as soon as the guy blew me off that i just looked at him and said, "bad form, man. bad form." Atief suggested i simply mouth the word "wow" because it "causes instant self-evaluation."

i don't care when your last girlfriend was and what happened in the breakup. when a girl-- who comes to talk to you and who you openly admit to having a good time with-- shows interest in you and invites you to a concert, you don't dismissively reject her and then make a joke about her having fun going to the concert alone.

as Atief so eloquently put it, "it's 4 standard deviations from the norm," and, quite frankly, bad form.

my situation isn't new, but that doesn't stop it from being depressing. the guys i want don't want me and the guys i don't do.

the latest one may be the worse one yet. it isn't so much that he doesn't like me as much as he's indifferent to me. someone being dismissive with genuine emotion is hard on a whole new level.

i finally worked up the nerve to ask him to a concert and he casually said that he'd already seen the band live and that they sucked. not to sound conceited, but it never occurred to me that he'd say no. we've had fun together before and i was pretty certain he liked me...but clearly i was wrong. i just stood there in disbelief after he said no and said, "really?" he looked at me and said, "yea." i was stunned. i was a broken record of disappointment and just kept asking, "really?" i thought he was joking or being difficult but would ultimately come around. i couldn't move. i stood there and it felt like in one fell swoop he'd cracked open my chest, snatched out my heart with his bare hands, and began gnawing it before the first drop of blood hit the floor.

what can you do besides watch the bastard eat your heart?

so, i'm done. i have to be. i'm in very serious danger with him. my sanity and spirit are tacked together with toothpicks and wood glue at best and he could easily break me. i know now that i don't have thick enough skin for him and, in the end, i don't want to have it. i don't want to be more jaded and bitter than i am. i'm already faking a solid 75% of my happiness as it is. i want to learn to be emotionally open and quasi-carefree again, but it has to be with someone who'll take care with me. clearly, he won't.

what's so sad is that he's an interesting and wildly intelligent guy. i love talking with him and hearing what he has to say about everything. plus, his voice is audio velvet sinuously caressing my ears. he's beautiful...a bit scruffy...but such a handsome man with perfect lips.

he just makes it impossible to know him.