adorable

i've been in a really good mood the last two days. granted, today was my first day off since i got back from Nepal, so i've gotten loads of sleep and rested a lot. i've been in a super good mood since yesterday. it's not even just about being happy, it's about feeling really good about myself. i'm ridiculously self-conscious. i'm seriously riddled with insecurities, but dammit, i'm cute. so, there's that. oh, and i have...other attributes going for me.

anyway, i'm going out next week and i wanted to look really nice for it, so i went shopping. i figure, if he's going to be dropping that much money on me, the least i can do is look nice; give him some eye candy. i'll probably wear something fairly revealing... that should take the sting out of the bill. i found a combination of "jack" and "shit" at the store. everything looked like i was going to an Easter garden party. the one top i found i think may have exceeded the legal limit for cleavage within a 20 block radius. it was just...wow. not that it's necessarily a bad thing, but it was a bit much.

so, i didn't come away with any clothes for the night, but i did get some really cute unmentionables. in fact, i'm walking around my apt. wearing nothing but my new garter and...i don't know what you even call these things. a bustier, maybe. it certainly achieves its name. anyway, it laces up the back and is red and black with lace trim. it's adorable. i feel like such a vixen. oh, man, i just put on some heels, too.

if only i was bold enough to actually wear this...oh, and had someone to wear it for. i see a lot of prancing around my apt. in these in the near future. now all i have to do is get those knee high things that clip into the dangly straps on the garter. would they be the garter belts? i guess so.

well, i guess it's a good thing i decided to be a nicer, gentler me, because now i have to go out and find a boyfriend. this outfit and i am so wasted sitting in front of my computer writing a blog on Friday night. now, the only trick is to find a guy that's worth this.

hot damn this is fly.

balls to the wall

so, i did something today that i'm rather impressed about. it was bold, even for me. i don't know why i did it. i mean, i wanted to, obviously, but i think i mostly did it because every now and then you have to shake your complacency off and do something crazy; something that scares you.

in the last few weeks i've decided to go back to the basic me. strip myself and my layers of armor down and become what i used to be: fiery, bold, and naked. the last few years had me shook. i was scared to do everything. i was always concerned with what could happen and the worst case scenario. not that i don't thoroughly assess a situation, but i was never paralyzed at the thought of a lousy outcome. even if everything got fucked up along the way, the process --who i met, who i loved, where i went-- was always worth it. i lost sight of that for a very long time. now, i do things that are seemingly bold, but it's not bold if you have no fear. i couldn't give two shits about most of the people around me, so to say something or do something that seems ballsy isn't, because i don't have anything at stake.

i've decided to change all of that. i clearly managed that today. i understand the gravity of what i did and the potential horror of an outcome if i've miscalculated certain people. i don't think i have. not this time. even if i did, the fact that it's something that i wanted to do and just fucking did it makes me feel so liberated. of course, if i miscalculated them, there will be blood, but i'm certain that will not be the case. as it stands, i've been spending the better part of the evening sitting back, laughing, and marveling at myself.



siri: why?! (laughs)
me: what do you want from me?
siri: i don't know, but i want some of that shameless ass attitude.

why did i do it? because i wanted to. in the words of Siri, "when did that stop being enough?"

i'm back

i'm back home now. i fly back north this afternoon and got in about an hour ago. i'm about to eat some food and pass the fuck out. i've been damn near narcoleptic. i was on the plane reading an article and the next thing i know, the magazine is on the floor between my knees and i'm passed out with my head against the window. luckily, the flight attendant was really nice, because i woke up parched. you know when you're sick and your mouth feels dehydrated and sort of sticky. that's what it was like. all of the this traveling and the extreme temperature change has given me a head cold. it's not a flu or anything. i'm not achy. my head is just stuffed up. well, three days ago i was in Kathmandu in 80 degree weather. this morning i flew out of STL with snow on the ground to BDL, where it's a whopping 40 degrees. that plus exhaustion, no wonder i'm sick. i know it's only 5:30pm, but i'm getting food and plan to be in bed by 7pm. i have to be at work by 8am. so, i'm gonna need all the sleep i can get.

so, i survived the Maoists, rode an elephant, canoed a river, and went to three countries in a week in a half. i've been a busy little bee. now, it's time for rest.

bangkok

well, i'm in the Bangkok airport trying to get some sleep. a 12 hour layover is not as useful when it's from 6pm to 6am. so, we've basically been airport bound. actually, we've actually been airport bound, but i got a pretty little stamp in my passport. Taipei is next and a better look with 12 hours from 11am-11pm. we're getting home about a day late because of my fuck up, but what are you going to do? now, i'm basically bored and i think this card is about to run out, so i'll be home soon.

this has definitely been an adventure. this leg of it isn't much fun, though. better luck in Taipei.

What Hotmail should've sent

Hello everybody!

Hotmail is finally working! I tried to send some lame ass message through Yahoo. An account that I almost had forgotten about and had almost no one's number in.

--Seriously, this guy sitting next to me is clearing my sinuses with his cologne. For those who know, it's sort of like snuggling with Gary. For those who didn't get that last bit, consider yourself nasally lucky.--

Anyway, so it works out well, the email is just in the lobby of our hotel. Yea me! Everything is really fun. This place is rather overwhelming. Today was a holiday, so it wasn't so bad, but yesterday, was ridiculous. The streets are always so crowded with vendors, beggars, harassers, and armed police. We're stay about a 3 min walk from the royal palace, so this place is well guarded. Although, this region doesn't seem to be very dangerous...outside of normal city dangers and the lack of rules and lanes on the road. The good news is that the Maoists need tourists to rob, so they don't want to do anything too bad to us. Plus, the Maoists seem to be in the far west of Nepal and in remote areas in the mountains. Neither place we're going. So, for all that were worried, rest your pretty little heads.

Today was Holi day. It's a holiday of colors to celebrate spring. Kids run around with water balloons and different colored powders to throw on people. They go after tourists the most and dad and I were no different. Actually, it was really fun. We taunted the kids that missed and let little kids rub colored stuff all over our face. We went down to Durbar Square to see lots of temples. That was the worst of it. The roads were so narrow and the buildings so hgh, most of the time you couldn't even see where the balloons were coming from. Dad said that I looked like an undercover Navy Seal or something. My face was so covered you couldn't tell my natural skin tone. Dad was in pretty bad shape, too. If I was a Navy Seal, then his code name is "Red Panda."

We got back to the hotel and I took a long shower. It all hasn't come off, yet. I look like an infant with a heat rash splashed on my face. As we were leaving Durbar Square, this troupe of tourists was walking and I pointed up at some kids and told them to be careful. One lady wasn't paying attention and looked up to me standing right in front of her. Her eyes got really big and she let out a little yelp. I started laughing and she apologized. Then I saw myself in a mirror and totally sympathized with her. It was actually really funny. The best part is that there is all of this playing in the streets and since it's a holiday, most of the shops are closed and the streets aren't nearly as congested as they usually are. When I got out of my shower, I cleaned my ears and the end of the Q-Tip was purples. Classy. Hey Boys! Oh, yea, dyed nails and splotchy face? I'm is gonna get me a man!

Tomorrow we head out to Chitwan Royal National Park. We'll be gone until Fri night, so I won't be able to write until then. There was something else. What was it? Oh, we saw an adorned elephant on the streets. That was cool. There's a little calf that hangs out on the street below us. Oh, I remember what it was. I'm glad I didn't drop my $900 on a digital camera. The place you catch the mountain flights is out of Pokhara. It's about 200 mi. from Kathmandu. There's just no logistical way to work it out. We just don't have the time. I'm sort of disappoined by that. No, that's a lie, I was pretty bumbed it...until I caught myself beiing a brat and recognized that I was in Kathamandu about to go on a jungle safari. I think if there was ever a time to keep shit in perspective, it's now. I would've liked to have gotten some aerial shots, but se va. This trip already has been more than enough.

Alright, I'm off to relax and maybe catch some lunch. I'll wrte when I can. All of this walking and dodging of miscreants has gotten me all tuckered out.

Hey guys, I saw an elephant walking the streets today. That's so cool!

love,me

P.S. Sorry if my spelling sucks or I leave out words. The screen is pretty blurry and hard to read...and my spelling sucks.

P.P.S. If I hear another thing about Ukraine, I might scream.

Viva Nepal!

it's monday and i'm in nepal. it was a seriously grueling trip. when we got into the hotel room around 2pm, i passedthe fuck out. i was knocked out for 5hours. i was so tired. anyway, i'm in the hotel lobby, which is really nice, trying to log onto my hotmail account to no avail. so, if anyone who reads this knows any of my friends or family, please let them know that i'm totally fine. i will try to update as often as possible, but hotmail is really sucking balls right now. maybe i'll try...i don't know what i'll try. but i'm good, dad's good. he's sort of driving me crazy at times, but that is the nature of the 36hr beast. now that i'm rested, we're starting our adventure into the city. trust me, with the way these people drive, it's most definitely an adventure. people thought i should worry about the Maoists. fuck that, it's the drivers that are going to get me. i rode most of the way from the airport with my eyes closed; mostly from the dust and exhaust fumes, but also general fear.

alright, i'm off. i'll check in when i can and hopefully hotmail will be working at some point.

whee!!

digital camera

so, i've decided to skip the digital camera for now. i have way too much going on to be worried about megapixels and the difference between digital and optical zoom. i'm just going to get a telephoto lens for my manual and copious amounts of film. fuck it. my dad has a little digital camera anyway. who can make decisions about all of that and remember to buy a converter? it's impossible. i love manual photography anyway, so, it'll be fine. plus, i'll be in Nepal. it doesn't really matter what i come back with, it's all going to be amazing. sweating the technique, that's not what's up.

there's just no way i could make a $800+ investment on a camera and not have explored all of my options. i'm whimsical to a fault, but i'm not crazy. well, i'm going to Nepal, so i am crazy, but that's the fun kind.

talking

me: Benjamin, are you talking to yourself?
Benjamin: are you listeing to my private conversation... with myself?

hair-oshima

it looks like an atomic bomb exploded on top of my head. i have this huge, crazy, curly mess going on. i tried to keep it out of my face with a red bandana, but it's barely hanging on. the funny thing is that, where i live, there aren't that many black people, let alone mixed girls. so, they're unaccustomed to hair like mine that they didn't pay $65 at the hair salon for. good news for me. they have no idea that what i'm rocking now is not cute. it's just a mess of fuzzy, wild naps. i haven't combed my hair in three days.

when Siri picked me up from the airport, she looked at me and just started laughing. the best part was when this white woman passed me in the parking lot and said, "nice hair!" i smiled appreciatively and said thanks; Siri could barely contain the laughter.

later on, she marveled at my hair again, tried to dig and find my scalp, and said, "Girl, are you sure there's nothing living in there?"

that, my friend, is a fair question.

stylin' and profilin'

Jheri curls are the black man's mullet.

as Cuz so aptly put it, "both hair styles would a woman would say, 'Oh, God, please don't let him show up with a Jheri curl or mullet, both are instant termination.'"

"drip, drip, follow the drip" or "business in the front, party in the back," both styles show a pesron is completely out of touch and they didn't get the memo.

they're still writing 1984 on their checks.

situation

this glasses situation is just maddening at this point. here i am, less than a week before i embark on one of most ambitious and incredible journeys of my life and i would be able to fucking see it. luckily, my eyesight isn't so bad that everything will be a blur, but it makes my head hurt a bit and tired from straining so much. i'm on this annoying cusp of vision. i don't need glasses enough to wear them all the time--and therefore make it necessary to keep track at them at all time-- but i need the at key moments-- night driving and seeing really long distances-- so when i need them, i sorely miss them.

i've exhausted all of the places in my apt. i thought they could be. now, i have to fucking get new glasses before i leave... as though i have the time. you can bet your sweet ass i'm going to make it, though.

balls.

kids and dogs

always pay attention to them. they see and smell things that we can't or don't want to. truths are never clearer than in the eyes of kids and dogs.

favorite advise

many, many, many people have given me advise on my upcoming trip to Nepal. most people's advise is: don't go. fuck that. nothing worth having comes easy. sure it may be dangerous, but--assuming i live through it--it's going to be the most amazing thing i've ever done. besides, i tend to do what scares me. i refuse to be one of the shook ones. if i always played it safe, i wouldn't have done have of the amazing things and lived in some of the places i have. granted, my heart wouldn't be as tattered as is it, but i never would've known the two most exceptional men to ever bless my life and know how liberating it feels to love as unabashedly as i do. you have to push your limits to know where they are, which is why i'm taking a hot air balloon ride along the Himalayans even though i'm petrified of heights. actually, that's not totally true. i am petrified of heights, but i'm going to get some amazing shots.

anyway, my favorite piece of advice i've gotten so far arrived today: "And don't do anything I would do. Unless it looks like fun." now, that's advice i'll take.