for a brief moment, i thought i didn't hurt as much as i expected. on the surface, i've been taking this well. i've been crying, sure, but it isn't the constant flow i expected. i can hold it together in public pretty well...except for my tangible sadness. i still cry when i wake up and a little when i have moments alone. all things considered, it isn't all that much. so, i was thinking that maybe i blew it all out of proportion and really didn't love him as much as i thought.
silly, silly girl.
i'm doing what i haven't done in a very long time. i'm clenching my teeth. i never clench my teeth. well, one other time. i haven't been eating, my insomnia's back, and i have constant headaches. i only just now realized what's going on. i clench my teeth only when my stress level is peaked. that's what's making my jaws tired and head ache. the loss i feel is so much bigger than a few sobs and corny poems. it's so big it's only coming out in pieces. if my body has learned anything in the past few years, it knows what the brink of my sanity looks like and how much i can take. think of it as scattered showers: they last longer than thunderstorms, but don't destroy property. if my tears were to fall like rain, it'd be a monsoon and there'd be nothing left when it was all over.
so, i clench.
this sucks so fucking much. man, i was so sure. not that i thought he'd show up at my doorstep bearing flowers and absolute devotion. i thought we'd have to work out timing and logistics, but not this. we just seemed so right for each other.
it's hard to lament the tragedy of my broken heart when my girls represent proper. i drunk-typed deep in the throws of sorrow and liquor last night and broke the news. i don't do honest confessions...ever, but i went for it and it fucking failed like Bush on Foreign Policy. so, naturally, i'm devastate. my heart's desire. the only man i want. the only man i think about responded with a big, fat, Issa-esk, "NAAAAWWWWW!"
since then, ALL of my girls --every single one of them-- has contacted me in some way. that's love.
it's hard to be crushed by one man with some many beautiful women at my back.
most think i drink to dull the pain, but that's not true. i drink to quiet my mind in the the still of the night. unanswerable questions and unrequited love, nothing makes the night more unbearable.
i love black people. i never really had much of an opinion on Rev. Al Sharpton, but this shit made me laugh. sort of the political equivalent of "don't make me come back there."
i rarely watch SNL anymore, but after that "Dick in a Box" short i figured maybe they took a turn for the funny again. so glad i did. this skit had me rollin'.
that's fucked up. it doesn't help that the kid sort of looks retarded. but really, how hard can a man in a padded costume hit? how funny would it be if the guy who was in the Tigger costume slipped out of town in the middle of the night and only left a note that read:
"It's like eating something prepared by someone you love. You'll eat the meal, but you may have to endure at times."
when i first heard her, i laughed. then her song "Bridges and Balloons" got stuck in my head, but my head sang it in a better voice. i like her songs, i just wish someone else sung them. then there are times when her voice is genuinely sweet, but she'll hit a note that makes me wince. i have no overall problem with her voice...i mean, it's kinds of annoying and wouldn't date someone with it [which would be weird for a guy to have that voice in the first place]... but it's different and i can respect that. it's just those few notes that sort of ruin the experience. maybe the quality of song will trump the quality of voice.
people keep insisting it's not, but i'm not too sure. there's this picture i took in Zagreb, Croatia of this guy ascending the stairs out into the night. i love that shot. it ranks as one of the top 10 pics of the whole trip. the problem is that on the left side, you can see a couple of people. i saw them in the shot when i took it, but i didn't want to compromise the angle and the length of the shot to cut out the people. so, i did the best i could...which was pretty good, considering you're talking about achieving a shot of one man climbing a long staircase in a mall filled with people. so, yea me.
now i see the picture and it's sort of driving me nuts. it's so close to what i want, but those people in the corner are fucking it up. so, i'm strongly considering cropping. i know it shouldn't be such a big deal, but it is. photo manipulation is such a slippery slope. when does it stop being a photograph and become CGI? i'm a purest and it took so much for me to break down and even get a digital camera. two reasons i did: 1) i don't have a flash for my manual, so i can't do night shots and, more importantly 2) i need new glasses and didn't want to risk half of my shots coming back out of focus. so, now that i have the digital, i don't want to go crazy and lose perspective.
now, admittedly, there's manipulation with film, too. i don't know why that's different to me. i guess because there's skill involved with the darkroom that's lost in the comfort of your home. no picture matters more than one that took you 2 hours to develop. you appreciate the work and the art more when you have to toil; it's the old adage of suffering for your art. where's the challenge if, when you decide to magnify the right corner to isolate the subject, it doesn't turn out right and you can just hit the "undo" button? i guess my problem comes from a lack of respect for digital photo. it's such a pussy avenue to photography; a camera that focuses for you and no film develop. it cheapens the art process of film. you appreciate a good shot when you've had to burn and dodge the hell out of it to maximize your grey scale. it's like raising a child and adopting a teenager. sure you love them both, but one you nurtured and cultivated into this person and is the fruit of your labor...unless they're a delinquent and then you blame their father. still, you catch my drift.
there's a connection between you and your photos when you've blindly --in a light sealed room--wound your film onto the spindle and proceed to spend the next hour hovered over a sink testing the temp. of the water, agitating the developer, timing your stop bath, adding the fixer, doing final washes and then hanging your negative to dry. all of that and you haven't even seen any of your images, yet. once you finally walk out of the darkroom with your photo, you've loved this thing to life. that doesn't happen with digital. digital photography is essentially a transfer of files.
maybe i need to find a way to respect digital photography and just accept it as a different beast. i mean, is Rachel Ray less of a chef than Julia Child because she uses the microwave? some may say so. i don't know...i'm still learning my damn self.
all i know is that i like truth in art and there're too many ways to lie with digital.
i'm a hot mess. my head is about to explode. either that or my heart is going to violently extract itself from my body through my throat.i sent this guy, my heart's desire, a letter from overseas about three weeks ago confessing my undying devotion and love. yes, it was a bit of a bitch move to do it while i was away and thus suffer no immediate heartache, but clearly after a year and a half of not saying anything close to what i really meant, i wasn't going to do it whilst in the US. so, i took the opportunity of that wonderful combination of clarity and distance to say what i'd been petrified and dying to say. now, i have the distinctly unenviable job of waiting.
the problem is that i'm a girl and the worst thing you can do is leave a girl alone with her mind.
i haven't heard anything. the problem with that is that, at this point, it's not uncommon. he's in a self-imposed exile and handling his B.I. and thus our regular communication has been interrupted. i'm respecting his gangsta, so i haven't clicked on him for it, though i miss him so. the problem is that since i haven't been in regular contact lately, his silence could mean everything or nothing at all. and i, in one of my more stunningly brilliant moments, was so proud of myself for having written and mailed the letter that i forgot to ask how long mail takes to get to the US from Slovenia. so, i have no idea of its ETA or if he even got it. it's not exactly uncommon for international mail to get lost.
so, as you can imagine, i'm freaking out while trying not to lose my cool. that is a tight rope to walk, my friend.
i don't regret doing it. never that. i would've eventually ruined our friendship if i hadn't. of course, i may have merely accelerated the dissolution process by doing this, but better it be honest, quick, and deliberate than passive-aggressive, interminable, and excruciating. ideally, he would profess his eternal love for me and coyly ask what took me so long, but he's a complicated man and unpredictable, at best. so, there's just no way to know until i *know.* honestly, i've been avoiding my mailbox in case there's a "sorry fo' ya" letter inside.
all i know is that i'm quietly going crazy...ier. whatever happens next means we'll either be making out or i'll never see him again. that may seem a little harsh and abrupt, but that's how i roll. i'll never be able to get over him if he's in my life...though, honestly, the idea of never seeing him again made my soul sink, so i may rethink that... it's not just that i want to make out with him. it's not just that it think he's beautiful and has an amazing heart. it's that i can't even think about wanting anyone else. he's all that occupies my mind. other guys, if they enter my mind at all, are mere distractions from him. so, if i can't have him, then i can't have him around, because all i want is him. it's the unfortunate side effect of loving too much.
now, i'm on pins and needles because i either get the one thing i want most or lost the one person whom i care for the most.
no wonder i've recently lost my appetite and have trouble sleeping...and i kinda want to vomit.
i was checking out prices for Prince tickets and that man must've lost his goddamn mind. he's playing in Vegas for the next two months and has 13 shows between Jan. 19-Feb. 24. you will never guess the price per ticket...$1500. what?! that nigga done lost his muthfucking mind.
all i know is that for $1500 halfway through the show that man better serenade me with Adore, come down off stage, fuck me sideways, and make me come three times all without missing a single note.
$1500...apparently that's the price for a glass of his own Kool-Aid.
"Date safer, date smarter. We screen for marrieds and felons. Find love now." wow. that's good of them.
it reminds me of this project i'm working on. for the cover i've been collecting the "xtreme" dating section of the Valley Advocate and-- let me tell you-- there are some fucked up people out there. my favorite are the bondage ads. hey, i'm not knocking the hustle, i can get down with a little handcuff action myself and dig a nice slap on the ass. what i find scary is actively seeking strangers to tie you and be tied by you in unfamiliar locations. if, in the course of your relationship, you discover that you both are into the tie-me-up-tie-me-down bit, i'm all for it. however, answering anonymous ads that call for you to go to someone's house with the expressed purpose of resigning control of your freedom and mobility sort of worries me. that's how carpet wrapped bodies found in the local dump happen.
but what do i know? maybe seeing if you make it out alive is part of the thrill.
"every government degenerates when trusted to the rulers of the people alone."--Thomas Jefferson
on Bush's new Iraq plan:
"A tragic mistake." Delaware Sen. Joe Biden
A "fool's paradise." Connecticut Sen. Chris Dodd
"The most dangerous foreign policy blunder in this country since Vietnam." Nebraska Sen. Chuck Hagel
"This is the craziest, dumbest plan I've ever seen or heard of in my life," Hawaii Rep. Neil Abercrombie
i have a question: when the president has acted (and continues to act) in direct opposition to the will of the American people --whom he serves-- who have explicitly and politically told him what they want, at what point do the impeachment proceedings begin?
"...impeachment must be both at the ready and readily employed--not for the simple settling of scores, not for political gain, but for the defense of freedoms that are ever in the balance." -- John Nichols "The Genius of Impeachment: The Founders' Cure for Royalism"
