youth and disappointment
i think the worst the about getting older is seeing the loss of dreams in your friends. that tone that they get when they realize that this is their life and they don't like it. in a way, losing Shawn when i was only 22 had an upside: i learned early that the best laid plans of mice and men.... so now, i don't really make long term plans. it's 90% fear of failure and 10% laziness. it's not that i don't like responsibility or anything, it's just that i want to make sure when i do something and commit to it that it has a pretty good success rate.
i was talking to Cathy last night and it was so sad. she made a lot of bad decisions very early and now she has to come to terms with the weight of her choices. her #1 bad choice, easily, is Kasey. she just couldn't leave him alone. i don't know whether it was a self-esteem thing, a sex thing, a Captain Save-a-Ho thing or what, but she when it came perfectly clear to everyone that he was not what she needed --even at 15-- she dug in her heels. now, three kids and a 15 years later she's stuck. the sad thing is that she and i dated Kasey and his best friend at the time, Danny, at the same time. Danny was a piece of shit and didn't hide it. Kasey was the same way, but she...i don't know...she didn't see it or fell victim to the "deep down inside" syndrome. i can't imagine what my life would be like if i stayed with Danny. what a bastard.
three kids...she's stuck with him forever. especially since the youngest twins are only 2. she called me last night and you could just hear in her voice the loss of hope. it's very sad. i had similar conversation with my boy, Tariq, and he's going through the same thing. his situation is not as dire as Cathy's, but there's the recurring theme of how you thought your life would turn out. i think it's sad for me because i've already been through it and know how disheartened you feel and now i'm watching people i love go through it. if my life had worked out the way i wanted, i'd be 5yrs deep married to Shawn--who fiercely loved me-- living in Chicago with a degree, two step kids and one of my own. now, i'm nowhere near that.
although, i must say, i think now Cathy's understanding why i proceeded the way i did. a couple of months before Shawn died he asked me to have a baby with him. i told him no, not until i graduated college. after he died, Cathy asked me if i ever regretted it. i told her no. she said --which i think spoke volumes about how she views kids and her relationship with Kasey-- "but then you'd have a piece of him." i responded, "but they wouldn't have a father." i thought it bizarre to think that my desire to hold onto Shawn would trump my kid's emotional well being. since then, Cathy has made comments every now and then about me getting older and still not having kids. i just refuse...not to have kids, but to have one without a husband. she ridiculed me for that for years, and now i think it's finally dawning on her the value of it. still, it's sad to see her have to come to that realization entirely too late.
that's not to say i have it all together. i'm currently learning the value of patience. i'm a few months deep in my crush of this guy who is just awesome...a bit jaded and worse for the relationship wear...but pretty spectacular. lately, i've found myself getting very discouraged by the whole thing. he seems very wounded and i know that i have to proceed with care, but dammit, it's so much work! i'm not use to being this tempered. i know if we ever got together that we'd be amazing, but this process is really rather annoying. a lot of my worry is that this is going to turn out to be Vegas: Part Deux, but i have to just get past it. Vegas was a whole other beast and i shouldn't compare the two. i think there's a chance for something very real here and i know he's worth it. it just fucking sucks.
when i have kids, i'm going to encourage them to stay young and free for a long as possible. this grown-up shit is for the birds.
i was talking to Cathy last night and it was so sad. she made a lot of bad decisions very early and now she has to come to terms with the weight of her choices. her #1 bad choice, easily, is Kasey. she just couldn't leave him alone. i don't know whether it was a self-esteem thing, a sex thing, a Captain Save-a-Ho thing or what, but she when it came perfectly clear to everyone that he was not what she needed --even at 15-- she dug in her heels. now, three kids and a 15 years later she's stuck. the sad thing is that she and i dated Kasey and his best friend at the time, Danny, at the same time. Danny was a piece of shit and didn't hide it. Kasey was the same way, but she...i don't know...she didn't see it or fell victim to the "deep down inside" syndrome. i can't imagine what my life would be like if i stayed with Danny. what a bastard.
three kids...she's stuck with him forever. especially since the youngest twins are only 2. she called me last night and you could just hear in her voice the loss of hope. it's very sad. i had similar conversation with my boy, Tariq, and he's going through the same thing. his situation is not as dire as Cathy's, but there's the recurring theme of how you thought your life would turn out. i think it's sad for me because i've already been through it and know how disheartened you feel and now i'm watching people i love go through it. if my life had worked out the way i wanted, i'd be 5yrs deep married to Shawn--who fiercely loved me-- living in Chicago with a degree, two step kids and one of my own. now, i'm nowhere near that.
although, i must say, i think now Cathy's understanding why i proceeded the way i did. a couple of months before Shawn died he asked me to have a baby with him. i told him no, not until i graduated college. after he died, Cathy asked me if i ever regretted it. i told her no. she said --which i think spoke volumes about how she views kids and her relationship with Kasey-- "but then you'd have a piece of him." i responded, "but they wouldn't have a father." i thought it bizarre to think that my desire to hold onto Shawn would trump my kid's emotional well being. since then, Cathy has made comments every now and then about me getting older and still not having kids. i just refuse...not to have kids, but to have one without a husband. she ridiculed me for that for years, and now i think it's finally dawning on her the value of it. still, it's sad to see her have to come to that realization entirely too late.
that's not to say i have it all together. i'm currently learning the value of patience. i'm a few months deep in my crush of this guy who is just awesome...a bit jaded and worse for the relationship wear...but pretty spectacular. lately, i've found myself getting very discouraged by the whole thing. he seems very wounded and i know that i have to proceed with care, but dammit, it's so much work! i'm not use to being this tempered. i know if we ever got together that we'd be amazing, but this process is really rather annoying. a lot of my worry is that this is going to turn out to be Vegas: Part Deux, but i have to just get past it. Vegas was a whole other beast and i shouldn't compare the two. i think there's a chance for something very real here and i know he's worth it. it just fucking sucks.
when i have kids, i'm going to encourage them to stay young and free for a long as possible. this grown-up shit is for the birds.
posted by badassed at
1:53 PM
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