beautiful thing

i went to this club in NYC, yo, this past weekend for my birthday with my girls...well, Erica, since Massandje lost her ID and couldn't get in... and there was this guy there, Ryan. this guy, no lie, was Shawn incarnate. he was built like Shawn, sorta looked like him, was ridiculous like him. it was pretty amazing...aside from his nastiness. basically, when i wasn't slapping his hand away i was having a great time. at one point he asked me if he could give me a birthday kiss and i let him kiss my cheek. next thing i knew he was licking my neck. see? nasty. anyway, toward the end of the night we were dancing and it was...it was like having my baby back for a little while. we danced there with my arms around his neck and his around my waist, my face buried drinking him in.

for that moment, i knew Shawn had found a way to be with me for a little while and in that instant, i didn't miss him so much.

it was a beautiful thing.

feelin' groovy

i've been in an insanely good mood for the last...hell, it's been going on so long, i don't remember the last time i was emotionally wrecked. even Captain Retardo and his idiot moves can break my stride. a lot of things are going right and i'm fucking giddy as shit about it.

i turn 30 in two weeks and am happy as shit to be rid of my 20's. i've crammed a whole lot of life in these past 10 years. i've seen the world and lost more; it's all very bitter sweet. i'm not even sure i'd change anything. all of those moments and choices have led me here to the person i am now. granted, i could do with a degree and out of this town, but short of that, i think i survived them pretty well. all of this loss and sadness, biterness and rage has made me scorn the world, but --simultaneously and contrarily-- open my heart up so wide it makes me cry. it's kind of a beautiful thing. my heart will never be as open as it once was and my eyes will always betray the sadness my smile tries to mask, but that doesn't mean the happiness isn't real.

it's very strange business being me.

admittedly, this has some...oh, why lie...a whole hell of a lot to do with a boy. which, really, i should get over, because these things never turn out well for me. i'm doomed to be single and mingling in fucked up relationships for all eternity. the insufferable life of a cool girl who's never quite cool enough to date. that's just the way this shit rolls. i'd like him to be a blessed break from the norm and --if i were a true optimist-- would dare say he and i would be a sight to behold, but i'm not a true optimist and know this will end in ruin because i am cursed with a perpetually shitty Life Deck doling out trash hands.

strangely, i'm not freaking out over this. a calm has washed over me and steadied my nerves. i feel easy and confident. of course, he unnerves me and makes me stammer, but that just makes this whole thing sweeter. maybe i've just learned to enjoy the ride; "buy the ticket, take the ride." sure, all of the tracks aren't down yet and i'm careening upwards of 110mph on a dark and windy track in a foreign land, but dammit if that air isn't sweet with his scent and the breeze cool on my neck.

if sudden death is inevitable, then let it be this night, on this train, with this man.