new title

my new title for a book on beauty and grooming is:

War Paint For The Battlefield Of Love: Makeup Tips For Today's Single Woman.

some day, when i die, during my eulogy i fully expect someone will recount my many random titles for books i never plan to write. i could, i guess, but i don't want to. i've never really thought i'd make a good writer. i just like coming up with the titles and, if i may say so myself, am pretty damn good at it.

bend to Harry

i'm such a dork...as Andrea likes to call me...because i can't stop reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. when i left to go home, i was halfway through the fifth book. a week, a wedding, a concert, and multiple visits later, i'm on page 515 of the 6th book. it's crazy. i'd wake up in the middle of the night, as i am wont to do, and start reading. it'd be, like, 3am and there i am bundled up in my comforter, crouched under the light, reading.

it's not the reading that's strange, it's the fervor. it's the copious amount of reading in a relatively small amount of time. i've mainly only been reading on my flight to and from and either early in the morning before anyone wakes up or right before bed.

then, to make matters worse, i start referencing Harry like some sort of inside joke. i was on the phone with Andrea last night and she said something to which i wanted to respond with a clever comment about Slughorn or Occlumency or something. i know! i'm such a dork. it'd be more appropriate if i were, i don't know, 15 or something. i'm 28. yea. what am i gonna do. finish reading that bastard during my lunch break, that's what.

on other news: if you listen to no other song today, you have to listen to Death Cab for Cutie's Bend To Squares.

that may very well be my favorite song right now. i don't really know why, either. it just resonates with me.

time to prepare myself for a most hellacious day at work. the next week is not going to be a good look for me; work and sleep, mostly. Harry, of course and eating, if i remember.

good times.

Simon

bit of advice:

Be careful who you're an asshole to in high school...they may turn out to be family.

oh, man, what a dick. well, i suppose bygones.

words of wisdom

Dont Make Excuses:

Your friends don't need them and your enemies won't believe you.

just wrong

Andrea and I are just wrong.

we divvy up men to each other on a regular basis. now, one would imagine, since we've been friends for, what?, ever that we'd only want the best for each other. such is never the case with us. in fact, we delight in the squirming of the others stomach and nerves. so as we're sitting here watching TV we're liberally assigning men to the others harem (heirom, according to Andrea). the men are not hot. they are never attractive and frequently have either learning or physical disablities. apparently, i'm currently dating the old, coke-bottled, decrepit man on PBS asking "when we (America) were going to send our eggs to India." that's what i'm talking about. she's also just informed me that my lu-vah is Hurley.

we're flipping through the channels and she stops and says, "Ohhh, you got Jerry Orbach." i, needlessly, informed her that he was dead, to which she responded, "I know, Jerry in the ground." What i said next i'm neither proud of nor, honestly, thoroughly ashamed by, but, in life, you have to make a choice and you always go for the funny.

I said:"Nobody puts Jerry in a box."

crazy and leaving

i'm fucking out of my mind. i just worked a 12 hour turn-around shift after working 14 hours yesterday. i'm fucking tired and stressed out.

i'm leaving tomorrow to go home for Atief's wedding. so, first of all, that means that i will be M.I.A. for a little more than a week. i'll be at my dad's and he doesn't have internet or anything. so no blogs or email for me. it'll be weird to unplug for awhile. who knows? i'll probably find myself fiening and go to the public library or something wack like that. however, plan on me dropping off for a hot minute.

i'm so stressed out. i haven't packed a thing and i don't really know what to pack. i have all of these little things to do with different people and i want to be prepared for all of it, since i rarely go home anymore. i'm introducing Andrea to a bunch of new music, so i need to make certain i bring all of my CDs and a bunch of movies. i'm planning out my trip to Nepal with my dad, so i need to make sure i bring my passport and paperwork--that i haven't touched in months-- and guides to show him everything that's going on. i have Kenneth's birthday presents and mom's Harry Potter shit. think that's it, but i'm not sure. plus i have to pack.

my brain is swirling. it's such a mind fuck to know that this time tomorrow i'll be camping out with Andrea watching the season premier of Lost. my life is so hectic. i swear i stay on the move. i sometimes worry i don't know how to slow down...or if i should. all i know is that i have a lot of shit to do and almost no time. my flight leaves out tomorrow at 11:40am, but i'm getting up at 7am to be out by 8 to go to breakfast with Sarah. i swear that girl is a godsend.

i'm really excited to be going home, though. i never go home. granted, i ran away for a reason and would never move back, but i get to go home, maybe, twice a year. the only reason i've been going so frequently this year is because both of my brother are getting married this year. so, i just want to make the most of this time. i can't wait to see Andrea and just chill out with her and play video games and watch movies. a friend of mine just had surgery and i need to check in on her. i think i'll play some tennis with my dad and have some quality father/daughter time.

not to mention, i'm a bridesmaid/groomswoman in my brother's wedding. i haven't' seen the dress, let alone tried it on, so i need to have a wardrobe plan B. i have a week to do all of this. the bad thing is that that's just the Columbia part. i haven't even gotten to the St. Louis part. so, yea, i'm a little overwhelmed. once i get on the plane, i'll be good, though. i think i'm going to do some stretches, a few deep breaths and dive in. the real plus is that i'm fairly good under pressure. i'll work it out. i just need to relax and get my mind right. so that's what i'm going to do.

wish me luck.

OCD extravaganza

you know, people with OCD don't need medication, they need dirty apartments.

i went to work today while my girls chilled out at my place. i came home for lunch and them niggas cleaned my place. God love OCD. Erica's the worst which meant my kitchen looked the best. She and Nisey cleaned and rearranged everything. it was dope. it made me think of Vegas. he had wanted me, at one point, to unpack his kitchen and just tell him where everything was. i now understand the simple beauty in that. they even cleaned out the fridge. ugh, i didn't even want to clean that bastard out.

they collected my recycling and did my dishes. they cleaned up my livingroom and vacuumed. what a way to come home. the really nice thing is that i needed to do all of that by Tues. i'm going home for a week and was going to have to clean this bastard up. i was starting to worry i wouldn't get everything done. i was starting to stress out. not anymore!

cleaning up and organizing my apartment, that's a damn birthday present. i told Atief and he said, "Aww. where can i find friends like that."

seriously.

all my niggas get down like what

to all my killas and hundred dolla billas

so, Nisey came up and we chilled for the day. we went to see 40 Yr. Old Virgin. that movie was hilarious. if you don't see it for any other reason, you have to see it for the ending. we did some shopping and everything was good. i had protested to her coming, but i was glad for the company on my birthday.

we got home and VA called me. i'm on the phone with her when i came out of my room. there in the doorway were Massandje and Erica with a lit birthday cake. i just started yelling. it was so fucking dope. my girl. representin'. that's what's up. Massandje had to either take the train from NYC to New Haven or Erica had to drive to get her and then drive here. i love my girls, but they are some lazy muthafuckers. so, the fact that they pulled this off, just to come up here for the day, is so amazing. plus, i had to give it up to Nisey for wrangling them.

it was a good look. i don't think i've ever been surprised like this on my birthday since college. that was a dope night, too. i love surprises. it's shit like that that makes you know you're loved.

with very inauspicious beginnings, this turned out to be a damn fine birthday; certainly eventful. too bad Vegas couldn't come. that'd been perfect.

birthday wisdom

it's not as much if you stop when you should

nothing but the truth

the people closest to me always tell me the truth. the nice thing is that once you establish a very open and accepting relationship you don't need to lie, so you don't have very many problems.

Andrea's number one. that girl knows me better than my dad. anyone who knows me knows what the means. she and i tell each other everything. no, that's not true. she and i are very open toward each other. so even if there's something i don't want to talk about, i just tell her and we don't talk about it. she's one of the few who have ever seen me cry. she knows all of my insecurities and all of my hang-ups. she knows my worst secrets. we call each other out all of the time. there are times when i'll call and she's just being so fucking ornery. once i realize that she's surly girl, i'll say, "what's going on with you? feeling a little ornery today." invariably, she'll laugh and say yes.

the only way to self-actualization is to recognize, accept, and work around your limitations. the best friendships function in the same vein.

so, when Denise calls me on my birthday to tell me that she hasn't left the house because she can't stop watching A Walk To Remember, i don't get mad. in fact, i laughed. i know the movie, and it's one of my guilty pleasure movies. more than that, i know Nisey. she loves those sappy movies. i think she may have been crying a little when she called. i'm not sure.

it's just dope when a relationship is cool enough to make that kind of call and you know there will be no static.

truth be told, i was pulling back the covers to my bed when she called.

HELL-O SHOTSY!

i woke up this morning with Duncan Sheik in my head. curious.

i went out last night for my birthday and binge drank like a freshman. aside from the two vodka sours at dinner, i proceeded to take 7 (count them, 7) shots in 15 min. 6 of them were tequila and the last one was vodka. we went back to Travis' and Crystal and I fucked that tequila bottle up. Sarah did lemon drop shots with us. Crystal and I...oh man...the two of us killed 2/3 of a bottle of tequila by ourselves.

this is one of the only times where i've been too drunk to drive home. i'll get lit, but i can still get my faculties about me to drive. this time, however, i didn't even try. i knocked my happy ass out on his couch.

in truth, i was have a really fucking lousy day. it was pouring rain, i was in a basic crap mood, but then i found out someone wasn't going to be able to make it. i sort of figured as much, and at least i knew before hand so i wasn't watching the door, but it turned my mood from bad to fuck it. that's not to say i didn't have a good time, i did. i just didn't give a shit, which may have made the night even better, since i wasn't concerned with restraints.

i briefly saw this person last night, but they were just so...far away. i'm surprisingly haunted by this situation. normally, i just brush this shit off, but this...him...i don't know, it haunts me.

i'll get over it. i don't have a choice, really. so, this gets added to my crippling pile of suck. one more thing that i just have to find a place for and never show i care. it was nice, for a little while, to not have to suit up.

all in all, or drop for drop, i had a great night. Travis and Candace gave me this badassed present. it was this great shot the Travis took and a ticket to the Decemberists in a few weeks. Sarah gave me this hilarious card and i was surrounded by all the people i have fun with in this place, so what's not to love about that?

i am a bit curious, though, as to how my pants came off and who put me to bed. i imagine it was Travis. i think he also took my earrings off. good looking out.

now, Nisey is on her way from the Bean and we're going to hang out for the day. see a movie, grab some dinner, probably- knowing her- shop. just chill with my girl. i think i want to go swimming. it might rain, but that's never stopped me before. in fact, it's ideal. i can't think of anything i want more than to swim today.

well, i can think of one thing.

in other news

in other news, i've decided to write a couple of books. well, that's not true. however, if anyone wants to write a few books, i've got some great titles to sell. these titles are for family and childcare:

"As A Matter Of Fact, My Mother Is A Wolf: Teaching Parents to Behave"

"You Were Not Raised In A Barn"

"From The Belt To Brown: How Corporal Punishment Got My Child To The Ivy Leagues"
(courtesy of Atief)

...now, for the Grand Puba, the title that started it all...

"Laying Down The Smackdown: In Support Of Juvenile Corporal Punishment."

clearly, i'm not advocating child abuse, however a "time out" doesn't seem quite appropriate when little Johnny takes a shit on the stage in the children's section of the local Barnes & Noble.

i'm not kidding, because i'm not that funny.

truth #4

i've decided, in light of my top 3 soothing techniques not totally panning out, to move onto #4. being #4 in no way lessens its effectiveness, it just involves noise, bright lights, and concentration. that, my friend, is Soul Calibur. it's soothing in a different --channeling my aggression--way. tonight, i'm not actively angry, but it's worth a shot. besides, i need to cultivate a couple of new characters and their moves. Voldo was a bit disappointing last time.

foul mood

i'm in a shit mood. i've been having headaches for the past three days, but that's a)nothing new and b)a combination of stresses. in the past four years i've learned what soothes me. during the most disconnected and inconsolable time, i've become very aware of what works and what doesn't; gently pulling on my eyebrows, biting my thumbnail, tonguing my the tip of my thumb while slightly running my teeth on the nail, stretching, massaging my temples, caressing the palm of my hand. tonight i have tried most of them, some in combination, and i'm still tense.

swimming is my #1 soother. there's something amazing about total submersion; no noise, no pressure, no breath, nothing. swimming is the most instant way to shut the world up. underwater it's just me. nothing, literally, is weighing me down. even my hair is free. i feel most at peace underwater.

so, i tried that, but--so said the skinny dipping man-- the beavers were rather aggressive tonight. so, seeing as how they can bite through whole trees and it's dark, i didn't really want to take any chances with my legs.

classical music is next. the reason why classical music isn't first is because it requires me to listen. a lot of times when i'm like this, i need silence. classical music does have this Pavlovian effect on me, though. my dad has always used it to calm my brother and me down before bed. i was raised on Beethoven lulling me to sleep. this comes in particularly handy when i'm having wicked bouts of insomnia or just need to decompress.

i'm listening to some music now. currently, it's Bach's Air on G String. this is my absolute favorite piece. to me, it's what a heart breaking sound like.

the #3 main soother for me is driving. i enjoy it less living here. the roads are windier, there are more cops, and there's no open space. back at home, i could get on a road and drive with my eyes closed and be fine. there was nothing but open road for as far as the eye could see. i like the limitlessness of that. i like that freedom. i don't need a plan or directions. i don't have to concentrate that much. i can just drive. roll the windows down and let the wind whip my hair around, turn the radio up (or off), and drive. i miss that. everything up here is so enclosed. there are the farms, but there isn't that sense of freedom. driving at home gave me a sense of running away. i know i couldn't outrun my problems, but just for a little while i didn't have to think about anything...not even turns. hit 70 and drive to Kingdom City. take 63 to Ashville. take Brown Station Road to the middle of nowhere and turn around. you always knew the way home because there was only one road.

i tried driving, but i started to get lost and frustrated and that was counterproductive, so i came home and opted for #2.

i came home and turned out all of the lights. i lit some candles and took a shower. i do feel a bit better.

i've been stressed out about this Fri. i have a very busy couple of weeks ahead of me. that in and of itself is stressful, but tonight is not about that. i've been a bit concerned about this dinner thing. i know i'm being ridiculous, but as a girl it's my genetic right. i have this worry that no one will show up. like i said, i know i'm being ridiculous. i also seriously worry that someone won't show up...but that's something totally different.

in all honesty, that's only part of it. i read this article tonight that seriously pissed me off. it wasn't what it said, necessarily, it's that they didn't know better. i'll get into it more at a later date. i need to ruminate in it a bit more. i need to think it out and figure out why it's effected me like this and what exactly it says about me and about our society.

what i will say for now is that racism is in the nuances of life.

no harm no foul

i'm listening to NPR, as is my morning routine, and the state of MA is considering changing the state constitution to explicitly ban gay marriages, but allow civil unions. some of the previous proponents of the initiative are backing out because they've simply changed their minds, but most are holding out for a proposal to ban both gay marriages and civil unions.

that's ridiculous.

i'm not sure if it's my private nature or my largely Libertarian ideology governing me, but who care? more importantly, it's no one's business. i think the thing that drives me the craziest about the debate on gay marriage is what makes heterosexual marriages so good? nothing. it's still two people establishing a legal, cohabitational relationship. you can't really push the procreation angle, seeing as how some hetero couples either can't or don't want kids. they're still considered married. my aunt has two cats, a garden, and fruit trees. she and my uncle have been married since the early 80's. she can have kids, she just never wanted them. no one begrudges them that. no one gives them static.

i have to run. more on this later.

lawn

every tuesday people come to mow the lawn of my apartment building. every tuesday. even when it hasn't rained and they're mostly mowing dust. i can appreciate a certain amount of upkeep. i mean, as much as rent is it'd better look nice. the thing is that i live on the ground floor. the way that the land is that, if i go out of the front door of my building, it's on the first level. if i go out the back door, it's a basement apartment. i place is nestled in a hill, sort of.

so, when the guy drives by, repeatedly, it's right in my window. i don't really know why he finds it necessary to go by my window 6 or more times. i'm not kidding, it's annoying. the really annoying thing is that i don't have to be at work until 11am. so, here i am, at 8:37am and up. concurrently, i go to bed very late and am not a particularly good sleeper. so, i was up until 2am or so and desperately needed the extra hour or two of sleep. balls.

on the plus side, it'll all be over soon. with snow comes silence. maybe that's why i like winter so much, the stillness.

MySpace and more

i was replying to this message this guy sent me on MySpace and the bastard kept crashing. luckily, i've learned from past traumas to cut and paste my messages on a notepad in case it crashes. guess what. you got it. so, now i have the reply for this guy that i can't fucking send. well done you, MySpace.

in other news, i've been listening to this same playlist for about a solid week and a half. i'm kind of getting sick of the songs, but i then it comes on and i can't imagine deleting it. i'm crazy and...let's face it...a bit lazy. i can't wait to get my 200 gig hard drive so i can upload all of my music on my computer. i have 13 gigs and have just scratched the surface.

soon, my pets, i will have a playlist for every possible girl mood known to, well, woman. the sad thing is that i'll still be playing Andy Gibbs' "I Just Want To Be Your Everything," because i do.

birthday

i am so in the dark about my birthday. my friends are supposedly putting things together, but, let's just say, organizing is not their forte. my girls are the very definition of "herding cats." Denise can do it, but i don't think she's running things, so god only knows what will happen. i'm going to Vegas' reading the day of my birthday and somehow it got morphed in the wires as me ditching them for a guy.

yea, a few things:
1: it's at 2 in the afternoon. them bitches aren't even up, let alone motivated.
2: it's at 2 in the afternoon! that doesn't interfere with...anything in the club realm. maybe if it was at 7pm in Astoria and we were trying to make it to A street, but had to make a stop in Brooklyn to get ready, there'd be an issue.
3:(more importantly) Vegas and i aren't even dating.

i suggested the reading and a chill evening, because i assumed that they all were as broke as i was and i didn't want anybody strapping themselves on my account. especially since it's just a day. it's not like it can't be celebrate when money isn't being so funny.

not to mention, i'd be a whole other breed of wack if i played my girls out for some dude i'm not even with. they know better than that. besides, it's my girls and my brother out partying in NYC on my birthday. you'd be hard pressed to find any man who could pull me away from that. he'd be more than welcome to come, but give that up? Nah.

the only thing the reading effects is Vegas coming out with us. it sucks, but NYC isn't going anywhere and neither are we.

My Lost Love

my soul weeps for the loss of my love. Oh, Dave...where have you gone? anyone who knows me knows that i LOVED Dave Matthews. However, these days...ugh. I think my feelings are epitomized in this article.

i was running my errands today and was sitting at a light and thought i'd heard Dave on the radio. it was a song i'd never heard and figured it was off of his newest, and wackest, album to date- Everyday included- and to my great horror it was John Mayer. now, i like John Mayer. i don't expect great things from him, but for what he has to offer i think he's good. clearly, John has been influenced by Dave and so that's where some of the confusion came in.

the point is that i have lowered my expectations of Dave to the point to where his music is interchangeable with John Mayer. that's not a good look.

Andrea and i were talking about the bands we love fading away. she's a huge Korn fan, but hasn't heard anything really recent by then. i think when they did the cover of...oh, what was it?...Word Up by Cameo that her attention started to wane.

each of our bands were important to us. i discovered Dave when i was living in the Ukraine, for the second time, and was completely alone for 6 months. i lived in a house that spoke almost no English and anyone i met was either enamored by the fact i was American and wanted an American "friend" or wanted to practice their English. he was my saving grace in the spring of 2000 and was with me until, basically, last year.

now? Je-sus! he's barely tolerable. i personally think he over uses the saxophone.

--just to drive the point home. i was looking for the free copy of his last CD, which i haven't even listened to, to find out the name of his saxophonist and i can't even find the cd.--

i think his name is Leroi. i can appreciate the sax in a lot of the jam sessions. i mean, let's face it, they've managed to have a fiddle, flute, and violin in the band. the flute is rarely used and Boyd plays the hell out of the fiddle and violin. dude is fucking diesel. few things say light rock and dentist office like smooth jazz...and, yup, the saxophone.

let's say that Dave is on the St. Louis, MO. side of the mighty Mississippi and elevator music lives across the rushing, muddy waters in Brooklyn, IL. Leroi and his saxophone are the bridge. at this point, Dave has reinforced his bridge with titanium rods, built a bike route, supplied guard rails and mile markers to Wackville.

more kitchen adventures

i've been gone for the better part of two weeks. i helped a friend of mine move and we were either moving or out of town from last tuesday until last sunday. needless to say, i haven't been home much and certainly haven't been in, let alone, cleaned my fridge. i was on the phone the other night with Andrea and noticed a bowl in the fridge that was multicolored. i couldn't imagine what i had made that had that spectrum of colors.

until i realized it was an egg salad i made eons ago. that shit looked nasty. it had the expected green mold, but parts of it was red and it had white fuzzy lumps, too. fucking nasty. it's so nasty it's still in there. there's no way i'm taking that fucker out without a quick and effective mode of disposing of it. i'm tempted to throw the bowl out as well. if it was tupperware, i would, but it's one of my few small bowls.

so, now i have to go buys some trashbags and clean out the fridge. the fucked up thing is that i knew i was going to be gone for a long time and thought i'd gotten everything out. clearly, i was wrong.

i have a question. how long do hot dogs last? they're so processed they barely classify as food. i suppose i should toss it on G.P. hot dogs are suspect to begin with. i probably shouldn't monkeying around with that. fuck around and end up in the medical books as the only known case of acute Phagohotdogalitis.

blog spam

that's some weird shit. i keep getting these comments like,"Hey great blog. Keep up the good work. Now you can whiten your teeth for $7 a year," or some shit. i have to keep deleting all of them. wack.

shook

"Steve Brener, a rep for the event, did not yet know what songs West is planning to perform during his "medley," aside from a version of "Heard 'Em Say," but it's a safe bet the Time magazine cover subject will not be performing the new track "Crack Music," in which he raps, "Who gave Saddam anthrax?/George Bush got the answers."

In any case, West's performance will be taped 20 minutes before the show comes on live, then will be edited into the telecast. "

Get 'em shook, Kanye. Fuck the fame. Fuck the Bullshit.

one last thing

i just watched the clip of Kanye West clip saying that "George Bush doesn't care about black people."

you can tell he was really nervous and he rambled a little bit, but it was necessary. you know it's serious when someone who freestyles for a living gets tongue tied. it's a good look when people who have the clout and stature to get on TV use it to say something important and relevant.

fuck the teleprompter. fuck fame. fuck the fallout. fuck scare tactics. fuck Bush.

God love him for it.

Andrea

God love good friends.

no one else would listen to my screams and rants with a supported, yet objective ear. it's been a really rough and emotionally taxing night and i needed something. i didn't know what i needed. apparently, i needed to lay on the couch and watch Class on Encore 80's weekend, while on the phone with her. sometimes the only way to talk someone down from an emotional ledge is with innocuous movies and overall silliness.

the best thing is that she knows me better than anybody and knows what i need...occasionally better than i do, myself. i didn't really want to talk, but didn't want to be alone. so, we sat there laughing, heckling, and just watching this movie together separated by 1200 mi.

i swear i'd move back home if i didn't know i'd slit my own wrists within 5 years.

title

i've decided that i'm going to have a title. i want to be canonized. i want to be April, Patron Saint of Suck.

i hate losing my optimism. it's such an integral part of who i am, but that shit is fading fast. i realize that it opens the door for me to be hurt and disappointed, but without hope, what do we have? i don't want to be that person, but she coming. i used to be genuinely nice and open. i used to be giving. i used to be brave.

the more things that happen the more i think i'm meant to be alone. i'm getting so fucked up, as time marches on, that i'm going to be no good to anyone. Andrea and i were talking and she was saying how she, a long time ago, realized that she was meant to be alone and she doesn't want any of the trappings of a relationship. so she's fine by herself. i'm not. i want those things. i want love. i want to get married and have kids and grow old with someone. i like the business of a relationship. i like its complexity and the balance. i like its difficulty and inner workings. i'm made to love. i'm made to take care of someone and love them and share a life with them. i'm just built like that.

i was so close...not to marriage or anything, but to having what i wanted for once. so fucking close. i've wanted him since April and was so close. i don't know what to do. i'm furious. i know it wasn't me. for once, i'm sure of that. i know what it was, for the most part. But there's something nagging within me. something is off. there's a distinct possibility that it could've been Travis. that is unacceptable. everything was falling into place...it was just falling on a fucking land mine.

i've been called a "happy hermit,"but i'm not happy. well, that's not totally true. granted, i do enjoy my solitude, but i also like options. at this point, i'm just used to it. the last few days i was with a friend of mine and, although it was nothing romantic, it was really nice to be around someone i genuinely liked and connected with. he certainly drove me crazy, but i didn't mind and i definitely returned in kind. i liked the feeling of waking up and knowing he was in the other room. i liked creeping around as to not wake him up. i liked taking him into consideration. i liked being around him.

that's what i want...but with someone who wants me. i don't think it's in the cards for me. my greatest fear is that i had it and lost it. a tragic twist of fate has doomed me to a life of solitude.

so what does it matter if there's another wall? i don't really know why i foolishly expected something different. why monkey with tradition? besides, it's important to have consistency in ones life.