my boyfriend's on tv

Steve Lin is my boyfriend. you can ask him. he'll tell you. he'll shout my name from the rooftops. you bet your ass he loves me. ok, well, actually, Steve is a friend from Hampshire. i don't know how it started (it must've been me, because it's retarded) but whenever i'd see him, i'd shamelessly yell out-- clear across fields and shit-- "BOYFRIEND!!" to which he'd respond by yelling back, "GIRLFRIEND!!!" i don't even remember the last time we called each other by our actual names.

anyway, about a week ago, i got a message from him on Friendster. he's been living in Taiwan for the past two years studying, getting back to his roots, and apparently becoming a tv star. here are a few of his commercials:

McDonald's : his on the back right from the guy with the rice burger

Mortgages : he's the broker

cell phone : he's the groom... that cheating bastard!

house

Kelti group

i'd keep going, but i'm late for work and still in my towel, but you get the idea. how cute is he? very. wanna know why? because he's my BOYFRIEND!

drive

i was driving back from Sarah's new place and she lives out in the middle of fucking nowhere. it's like she's a member of a covert international agency and must keep her location not only mobile, but inaccessible at all times.

i left around 10:45pm and started driving off into the night. first of all, when i went out to walk to my car it was the darkest i've ever seen the night. i know that sounds stupid because it's...well, night, but the only illumination was from her house. everywhere else was perfectly, pitch black. i started on my 30min. drive home and felt like i was driving in short term memory. what i saw of the road was there and then it was gone. there were no lines on the road or lamps on the sides. there were signs posted, reflectors, or any other sort of demarcation that i could use to judge distance. it was the weirdest, most disorientating sensation. every rotation of the tire was almost guess work. the road was fairly narrow and windy, so i didn't even get the luxury of a straight shot. nope. every crest of a hill looked like you were driving off of a cliff and God help you if the road curved at the trough. it was so strange. as soon as i passed a stretch of land it was gone, with no forewarning or evidence of existance.

i never really thought about driving and the relationship between random object along the road and my depth perception. it's the kind of thing that you know how to do, but don't know what to do in the absence of. as i drove a little further, i came upon some houses. it's amazing what a fence or a bike in the yard can do for you sense of security. i could suddenly gauge my movements, distance, and spatial relations, in general, based on these objects laying unassumingly in the yard.

makeout, marriage, and babies.

i had this dream last night that i was marrying Vegas. it was so fucked up. i, apparently, forgot about it amidst the planning of Sarah's wedding and was freaking out, scrambling to get things done. i was seriously unprepared. i hadn't done my hair. i didn't know what song i was walking down the aisle to. my mom didn't know about it and i couldn't find her. people was starting to arrive and i had no idea what i was doing.

i was in a little church back home and everything was going wrong. i managed to find some random mix CD he made with classical music on it, so that was done. i tried to rush and, essentially, organize a wedding (while getting ready) in an hour. yea, not so much. there was someone with me, trying to help, but i don't remember who it was. after the two hour mark, i asked them to go out and check on him and he was sitting in the back pew reading and waiting.

finally, i gave up. i came out and just told people that we were going to have to reschedule the wedding. i just couldn't pull it together.

there are a number of reasons why that was just a dream:

1. i can't have someone like him. i'd like the above title to be true, but i can't pull him. i don't think i've ever met anyone more sufficently out of my league. so, if he did want to marry me, i sure as fuck wouldn't forget about it.

2. i am nothing if not a planning motherfucker. so, the idea that i'd be unprepared and disorganized is impossible.

3. above the other two, if i was getting married, my mother wouldn't let me forget. please, the way that woman rides my back about getting a boyfriend is ridiculous. if i was actually getting married, she'd be white on rice with that shit.

4. i wouldn't get married back at home. fuck a midwest.

5. he was really patient with me.

i figure the reason i dreamed about it is because he was supposed to go with me to Sarah's wedding. so, i connected him to a wedding. well, that and the fact that "makeout, marriage, and babies" is all i want from him. is that too much to ask for? i don't think i've met anyone--after Shawn, of course-- that i wanted...forever.

thems the fucking breaks, though, aren't they?

here to help

in my last post, i made reference to this poem and no one had ever read it. so, instead of feeling ever-so-clever, i felt...sad for my friends deprived of Shel Silverstein as children. so, i'm here to help them out and make them a little less lame.


"The Unicorn"

A long time ago when the earth was green
And there was more kinds of animals than you've ever seen,
And they run around free while the earth was bein' born
And the loveliest of all was the Unicorn.

There was green alligators and long-necked geese.
There was humpy bumpy camels and chimpanzees.
There was catsandratsandelephants, but sure as you're born
The loveliest of all was the Unicorn.

But the Lord seen some sinnin', and it caused him pain.
He says, "Stand back, I'm gonna make it rain."
He says, "Hey brother Noah, I'll tell you watcha do
Go and build me a floatin' zoo.

And you take two alligators, and a couple of geese,
Two humpy bumpy camels and two chimpanzees.
Take twocatsandratsandelephants, but sure as you're born,
Noah, don't you forget my Unicorn."

Now Noah was there and he answered the callin',
And he finished up the ark just as the rain started fallin'.
He marched in the animals two by two,
And he called out as they went through,

"Hey Lord, I got your two alligators and your couple of geese,
Your humpy bumpy camels and your two chimpanzees.
Got your catsandratsandelephants, but Lord I'm so forlorn
Cause I just don't see no Unicorn."

Ol' Noah looked out through the drivin' rain,
But the Unicorns were hidin' playin' silly games.
They were kickin' and splashin' in the misty morn,
Oh them silly Unicorn.

Then the goat started goatin' and the snake started snakin',
The elephant started elephantin' and the boat started shakin'
The mouse started squeekin' and the lion started roarin'',
And everyone's aboard but the Unicorn.
I mean the green alligators and the long-neck geese,
The humpy bumpy camels and the chimpanzees.
Noah cried, "Close the door, 'cause the rain is pourin' -
And we just can't wait for them Unicorn."

Then the Ark started movin', and it drifted with the tide,
And the Unicorns looked up from the rock and cried.
And the water came up and sort of floated them away -
That's why you've never seen a Unicorn to this day.

You'll see a lot of alligators and a whole mess of geese.
You'll see humpy bumpy camels and lots of chimpanzees.
You'll see catsandratsandelephants, but sure as you're born
You're never gonna see no Unicorn.

make way.

it's been raining like a need two humpy-bumpy camels and two chimpanzees. it's just crazy talk. when did i move to fucking Seattle? i didn't. God just hates MA...finally, me and the big guy have something in common. but i digress.

i live about a 3 minute drive from work-- which makes my showing up a solid 20 min late almost impressive-- and to get there i have to drive down, what Cuz is so fond of calling "Doo-Doo Road." there are a series of farms and they really do have the most rancid smell about them. hey, i'm from the country and 18 years in Missouri-- living right down the street from a cow pasture, even in the sweltering, humid downwind of summer-- couldn't have prepared me for this. it's the kind of smell that makes your eyes water and have you exclaim repeatedly, "what is that?" it's shit. nasty, fermented, year old cow shit spread along the Earth like ass butter on ass crack bread.

anyway, so i coming home for lunch and i'm driving down the road. about halfway down, the car in front of me comes to a complete stop. there's nothing there. there's no car, no person, no nothing. then it happens. i'm about to start cussing when i see --and i shit you not-- two ducks crossing the street. not even in a brisk, "oh, shit! where the fuck are we? whoa, cars!" way. nope. just taking their sweet time waddling across the road without a care in the world. i just stared and laughed. yea, ducks. the nearest water source is about 5 miles away at the reservoir. apparently, it's been raining so much that they, essentially, aquatic bar hopped their way to the farms.

utterly ridiculous...yet, bizarrely hilarious.

for the past few days, The Crow has been in my head, "It can't rain all the time." well, Eric, apparently it can.

minor oversight

i also big heart him. it didn't kick in until Batman Begins, which is why i forgot; they other guys have been with me longer. plus, with Christian it's more of a lusty thing going on. i like his acting, and love his slightly vampiric teeth...and the fact that he almost has too many for his mouth...but it's all about that body. plain and simply, i'm a Lusty McLuster with him. you know you've got it bad when he can run down a hallway, covered in blood with a chainsaw, wearing nothing but socks and tennis shoes and you still think he's hot.

really, the clincher was the scene in Batman Begins, when he's sitting in bed, with his yummy back to the camera, and he's drinking a glass of orange juice with his arm perpendicular to his body. i'm a back girl and that may be the best back on a man i've ever seen. plus, he's such a badass in that movie. how could you not love him?

"Swear to me!" ummm, o.k.

two weeks!

Which X-Men character are you most like?

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i big heart them

i totally recognize, and embrace, the fact that i don't have a particular type of guy i like... i mean, looks-wise. i think there are so many people who are beautiful for totally different reasons that i think it's insane to limit yourself...in the non-hoish way that sounded. naturally, i have preferences, but the point is that if i'm feeling a guy with blonde hair and blue eyes, i'm not going to turn him down on G.P.

before i even begin, let's just put it out there: love my white boys. i think people think it has something to do with my dad and the whole "girls look for their father" thing, but i think that may only be part of it. most of it is that i'm sick of niggas. now, if a respectable black man tried to holla, i'd think about it, but niggas --i mean gully, triflin', three baby mama having muthafuckers-- are the worst. so much stress. i don't care how well you dick me down. it's almost never worth the trouble.

i've just found that i tend to like, and have more in common with, white guys. the thing is that i like my white boys with a little something in 'em. i'm not into blonde hair, blue eyed, oakely-dokely dudes. i don't do corny...i did that once, and though he was freak behind closed doors, being around him in public was just hard to watch. anyway, but i like my men with a swagger to them; a style. whatever that style is, he's gotta rock it. i also like dark features. dark eyes are the fucking best. blue eyes sneak in on account of my dad. genetically, if i had kids with a guy with blue eyes, we'd have a 50/50 shot of a kid with them. the only kind of blue eyes i really dig are in a dark hair combo.

that whole bit may have seemed really pointless and uninteresting, since the only people i know who even read this thing are girls, (hi, ladies!) but all of that will explain why i lurve the guys i do and why my number one is who he is. talk about fucking style, man. i know a lot of people who don't like him or thing he's ugly or whatever. fuck that. that man is delicious.

without further adieu here are the top three heroes of my Hollywood heart:

1. Adrian Brody-- maybe i'm a party of one, but this guy is beautiful...not to mention an amazing actor. more than anything, though, the man's got a strut to rival all struts in the known world.

2. Edward Norton-- i admit it. i, like everyone else, fell for him in Fight Club. the scene, after he beats himself up in his boss' office, when he's walking down the aisle --bloody and cut up-- whistling with a cart full of computer shit is...ah, it just is. my only beef: facial hair. i can't get down with the mustache, in particular. some people were just meant to rock the baby face. he is that man.

3. Jeremy Piven-- he, however, can rock the scruff. i lurve Jeremy Piven. i love Entourage. i even loved PCU. he's a little more "frat boy" than i'm usually into-- which is not at all-- but he creeped in under the radar. the best was when he did this documentary about his trip to India on the travel channel. having just come back from Nepal, i dug him just a little more. i watch some of the worst movies to see him. i'm gonna say two words and leave it at that: Chasing Liberty.

note: the scruff is a tricky game to play. somewhere just after 5 o'clock shadow, but right before homeless dude is good with me.

oh the things i learn...

...via my own ignorance.

i'm writing a friend back and was trying to cleverly phrase the fact that he's in love will all things lower intestinal. i was trying to come up with "gastrointestinally." what i wrote and immediately knew was wrong was "gesticularly," which, aside from not being a word, was very close to "gesticulate" which means using gestures for emphasis. i then typed in "gasticulate"-- my tired brain was getting closer-- and that, believe it or not, is not a word, either. so it led me to that "did you mean this" page. that's when i came across "gastrulate," which means,"To form or become a gastrula."

what the hell is a gastrula?

Gastrula: An embryo at the stage following the blastula, consisting of a hollow, two-layered sac of ectoderm and endoderm surrounding an archenteron that communicates with the exterior through the blastopore.

i don't know what that sentence meant, but i think i might pass it on to my friend. lord knows, he loves his vocab words.

damn this rain

everytime i look out the window, i hear Henry Higgins haughty accent in my head saying, "Damn. Damn.Damn.Damn.Damn."

damn this rain. i have my friend's bachelorette party today and she wants to bar hop and it's been raining all week. i'm so sick of rain. forget about what it does to my hair, i'm worried that traipsing around all night, drunk and wet, will make her sick for her wedding next week. it also isn't as much fun for girls to run around acting a fool in heels through puddles. ugh. i know it'll be fine. it's just that i've put a lot of planning and a whole lot of money into this for it to be rained out.

plus, i have to clean my car this morning and i'm going to be drenched at the car wash. fuck all.

lol. Funny every time.

(this is a conversation i had with my brother earlier today that made him laugh so hard he had to write it down. so, i asked him to send it to me)

Me: My lips are hurting; I think I'm having an allergic reaction to these nuts that I'm eating.

April: Oh, you mean deez nuts?

Me: What? That doesn't even make any sense in the context of this conversation.

April: That should never stop you.

cuz quote

Michael Rappaport:

"you know, the white boy in all those black movies."

drowned alive

the mark of a truly bored society is a heavily promoted, highly anticipated broadcast event of a man holding his breath for 9 min.

andrea made a good point: why do they need two hours for him to hold his breath for 9 min?

that's a fair question.

back to basics

i came home from work today and i feel like the living dead. it's amazing what your body can do. i managed to pull a full shift off of two hours of sleep and a hour and a half drive. there were a few times where i actually started to teeter like i was going to pass out. anyway, i made it and managed to maintain a fairly coherent conversation with my mom.

i've been going out of town a lot, so i haven't been cooking much, which means, i don't have much in the way of groceries. i just ran out of my beloved milk this morning. i get home from work and my ribs are touching. i'm used to making up a meal and i forgot about oldie, but goody dinners.

never underestimated the deliciousness of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. yum, with some pineapple orange juice. sometimes i forget that things like tuna sandwiches and ramen exist.

silly girl.

these things are good, too, because i've been on the fucking move, as of late. this morning i bounced out of The Bean at 8am. i only slept for 2 hours, but my girl was getting her snoring activity on and there was no reason for me to just lay there and be mad. so, i got my ass up and headed out. i was talking to Nisey and she said, when she woke up, she was tiptoeing around about to make me breakfast until she saw my note. she said, "you woke up and hit the ground running." i've been like that for the last month or so. i'm looking forward to the day i can go visit her and leisurely wake up and chill the fuck out for the day. however, until the wedding, i'm just hemmed.

i said that to say this: those dishes are good to remember when i'm too tired to saute and dice up garlic.

now, it's time to take my deliriously tired ass to bed.

in due time

don't worry, all will be explained about last night. i have to run to work and, probably pass the fuck out as soon as i get home. so, maybe tomorrow.

trust me, it's worth the wait.

Isaac

what a good look.

last night may have been one of the most ridiculous nights of my entire life...and there are a whole hell of a lot to choose from. well, i guess it was more surreal than anything. it was so bad all we could do was laugh and wait for the Punk'd cameras to roll out. they, however, never showed, but what did show was fucking aces.

i'd met Isaac the night before, so i'd known him, cumulatively, for about 3 hours. he'd never met Cuz or Sandje and he really didn't have to be as patient and gracious as he was. what a good look. i swear, Terry and his boy should be up for sainthood with last night alone. Nisey told me he was cool, and truer words have never been said. unfortunately, i'll probably never see him again after everything. Terry would be like,"Hey man, you want to go to the club tonight? Yea, Nisey's girl is comin' through." To which he'd respond, "Yea...I, wait, what? April? ooooh, yo, I gotta wash my hair and clean up my lines. You know how hard it is to get your beard this even, at this exact angle? Nah, see, that's gonna take me--when's she leavin'?--yea, at least until Sunday."

a lesser man would've wild out by 4:30am. it's a special gift to be able to maintain composure hemmed up in a fucking clown car of girls, as the sun rises, after a retarded night with perfect strangers.

yea, he's a good look.

so necessary

in honor of learning how to load images onto my blog, i feel the need to post one that always makes me laugh until my stomach cramps. i'm not kidding. when i first saw it, i laughed so hard i was crying and my stomach started to hurt...yet, i can't turn away.

i think it gets an official: "OOOOOOHHHHHH SCH-NAP!"

this shit nevers gets old for me.

level up

i was talking with Atief about Stephen Colbert and his amazingly ballsy display at the White House Correspondents Dinner and he said, during the whole speech all he heard in his head was "bullll-lullll-up!" Then he said, "If this was a Super Nintendo game, everytime he hit a punch line he'd fucking level up."

excellent.

hi-fucking-larious

the definition of balls.

it's the best i could do. scroll down to "The Video" and watch all three.

good lookin' out, 'Niefy

The Raconteurs

i'm going to Lollapalooza this year in Chicago. i was looking up one of the many bands i want to see in concert this year, and found that a few of them had it listed as one of their dates; so i looked it up. the line-up is insane. except for a couple of bands, it covers just about everyone i wanted to see, plus a few bands i've just recently gotten into-- The Raconteurs being one of them. here's an idea what $130 is gonna get me:

we'll start with the ones i looked up: Stars, Wilco, Death Cab For Cutie, The Shins, Built To Spill, eels, She Wants Revenge, Nada Surf, and The Flaming Lips.

bands i like, but never thought of: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Queens of the Stone Age, Blues Traveler, and Feist.

the bands i'm starting to get into (verdict up in the air on a few): The Raconteurs, Panic! At the Disco, Anathallo, Wolfmother (peaked my interest because one of the dudes has my brother's hair), Matisyahu, Gnarls Barkley, Camerin McGill and What Army, Thievery Corporation, and Boy Kill Boy.

people i've seen, but could see again: Kanye West & Common (of course, the black people)

random bands i'd like to see for the fuck of it: Manu Chao, Broken Social Scene, Iron & Wine, The New Pornographers, Cursive, Blackalicious, and The Redwalls.

here's the full list.

how insane is that fucking line-up? badassed. my brother and i are psyched. plus, i get to chill out with him and see his new digs in Chi-town. this is going to a fucking dope weekend.

it's like Super Musical Wal-Mart. i couldn't believe it...eels? nada surf? that's fresh. yea, i took it back, way back, back into time. all that's missing is The Darkness, The Strokes, and A-Ha and i'm good.

that's why no one respects black people

i read an interview in Rolling Stone magazine with Mary J Blige today and got to a sentence that made me hang my head, and shake it in shame:

"For the first time in my life, I'm proud of myself," Blige says quietly. "I'm not an ignorant idiot jerk that don't want to learn no more." She lets that sentence hang in the air, [for a second I had hope, but then..] gathering the weight of all the bad decisions she ever made, and then she laughs. "But I must admit-I still have my ignorant moments."

like that last sentence, Mary? Je-sus Christ.